Monday, December 8, 2008
Each idea is connected to another definition of reality.
It is the opportunity for me here to embrace myself as I am here. There is an idea that I might not be noticed if I were to just be myself, without doing something out of the ordinary in order to be noticed. It has been my modus operandi; to step out of my 'ordinary placement' within this world. I have never embraced this situation, because I have longed for others to stand in awe of me. I wanted something more than myself here, and from this desire, became the manifested expression of non-acceptance of myself here.
If I am unnoticed...then I am unnoticed. To desire something else breeds only dissatisfaction and non-acceptance of who I am here. This is true of all desire. It is plain to see that one can never be satisfied by becoming dissatisfied with what is here. It is ridiculously obvious, yet it is rarely ever seen or understood.
If it is understood that, I am that I am, then to allow myself to exist within and as desire or dissatisfaction is truly the epitome of self-abuse.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I see that within any situation, that it is all for me to face myself. This being said; I also see a trap that I have fallen into in similar situations in which I have taken for granted that I am a "greater" being now, so to relax and give myself a "break" from remaining here is something I can "treat" myself to. It is utterly ridiculous to believe in such a thing.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Perhaps continuous contact with her would facilitate myself to remain self-dishonest, which is unacceptable. I see that anything and everything supports me to stand as the self-honest expression of myself here. What she chooses is of no relevance to who I am here. How I had come to place an agreement in front of her was but myself expressing myself here as all that I exist as here. Whether or not she is willing to assist herself as the self-honest expression of herself as all as one as equal is largely an unknown, and yet another opportunity to prove to myself that I am able to trust in self here unconditionally.
I have been gone for so long, and I welcome myself to remain here. Thoughts of future outcomes are not welcome here. I am here. It is nice to be here within acceptance of all that I am here.
This is a major point to realise. It is the origin of who I have become and is key to remaining within acceptance of who I am here. I have pursued "perfection" in every aspect of my life so that the world would apparently have no choice but to accept me as I am; and the world has accepted me as who I am, which has been as the manifested expression of non-acceptance. All because I have begun the search in the first place, which only implies that that in which I have searched out does not exist here.
This desire to be "special" has held my attention, maybe more than any other one thing within this lifetime. From within this starting point I have built my personality as it exists today. This personality is dependent upon others' acceptance of me. I have not realised that, I have searched and searched outside myself for acceptance that does not exist, because it has not existed within. Acceptance is not something that is gained, as I had believed. Acceptance IS.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Reading Osho's words, I have realised that beautiful words are used to conceal the true nature of self. I have used the same strategy in being "nice". It is nothing but a mask of my true nature, in the same way that people display themselves to be "mean" to disguise the nature of themselves and present a tough exterior so that nobody goes past the exterior. This is all done out of fear of revealing who one really is.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
As realisations are made, to allow these realisations to pass without hanging onto them in an attempt at turning the realisation into knowledge can be a real challenge. It is a fresh moment here that is real. Who one is within this moment is the only matter. Self trust is never called upon by hanging onto knowledge. It is fear of the future that causes us to listen to the mind's logic and go back to a past realisation of ourselves and bring that knowledge to the present. This strips us of any realisation of ourselves here. Because in bringing forth a memory to deal with this new moment, we choose "security" of the past, which is based upon fear of the future and lack of self trust here.
It is remaining here that exercises our self trust, and the only way that self trust can ever be realised as that in which we are. All other practices keep us enslaved to our minds. What we have defined as "security" is the post to which we have kept ourselves tethered; because we have believed that something other than self is required to remain here. Enslavement has become our security because we have no self trust that without being tethered to some belief, that we would have no basis and would lose ourselves.
The resistance that exists to simply remaining here within awareness of breath is lack of self trust. Because we want reassurance that we are living "correctly." This summons the mind to step in and take control. It is the belief that if we could first consult the reasoning mind to gauge ourselves to be absolutely sure that we can just breathe without any unseen consequences, then it would finally be okay to do so. Of course, this is practice in self suppression, since self is not the starting point of this situation, but self-distrust instead is called upon to be the director.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I am not an idea. I am here as the physical manifestation and expression that I have become. To be aware of myself here transcends definition. I am the physically manifested statement that I have allowed myself to become. It is within the parameters of my own beliefs that I have become so extremely limited by the beliefs onto which I hold.
It is within remaining here without defining myself or the experience within the experience. I am merely here. That includes everything and I become awareness of what is here.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
The world today exists as it does, because we have made it so, through our own interpretation of reality. It is the experience of myself here that is the origin of creation. If I believe something to be true, then I have already made it so through my own belief. It is the limitation that I have placed upon myself. To discard my beliefs is to discard limitation.
It is to remain here without conclusions or interpretations of what is here. The experience itself is already absolute, with no need for understanding. Understanding takes place during the experience of oneself experiencing self here without explanation.
From a baby, we knew no limitation. But to connect with the human beings in this world, we were forced to comply with the views and beliefs that had been chosen by those that had gone before us. They had chosen to live within a set of beliefs and parameters, and have called it reality. We were taught to believe as they do, and to limit our experience to that in which they have believed to be absolute, but as it turns out, it is accepted self-inflicted limitation.
If I am to feel anxious then that is my own acceptance of myself to exist as such. I am why. I am the cause of my experience. Interpretting what is seen only limits what is seen to exist as an explanation of what is seen. I feel anxious because I allow myself to feel anxious. To look for reasons as to why I feel anxious is to disregard myself here, and seeks out comfort in reason.
The physical is absolute. It exists here. Who I exist as physically here is absolute and cannot be questioned. It is the I am. Within awareness of I am, illusion does not exist. It is an absolute statement of hereness with no room for interpretation, judgments or opinions.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Within choosing self dishonesty, we manifest ourselves as the suffering of the world, so that we may see for ourselves that our desires are manifested as self abuse. Until we have abused ourselves and have suffered extensively enough from the self abuse that we have chosen to create as ourselves, do we finally see. It is when we have had enough self abuse that we will finally say no more do I accept myself as self abuse, and a stand for and as oneness and equality becomes inevitable.
It is our own choice here that decides which path will be taken. Do we choose oneness and equality here, or do we choose to manifest self abuse until we finally see?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
It is common sense to see that when we believe in something, it places us within a condition that the mind has set up for us to live within and as. As an example I will use the example of the belief of being in a hole:
I am in a hole and need to find a way out: this is the belief system that has been set up.
There are various ideas on how to get out of this hole, and it has been said by many people before us that we must find a way to get out. There are stories of many people getting close. And even I, myself have felt very close to the rim, only to end up falling just I had reached what I had believed was the highest I had ever gotten.
But all of this attainment is nothing but an idea of elevation gain. By what others have told us and our experience of, when we get close to the rim, an overall sense of well being, which as it turns out is also just an idea of what we believe well being is.
All the while we have not realised that our idea that there is a way out is just an illusion and a belief that has been passed down from generation to generation.
The reality is that it appears as if there is a way out, but we have never considered that there is no way out and that it is not even a hole to begin with, but rather a cone that stretches into infinity, with one possible outcome. Which is, of course, that there is no way out, and what we have believed and based our enitre existence upon is an idea of freedom from that in which there is no possibility for escape, and we are stuck here.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
So I declare here that yes, I have had enough. We have suffered enough because of my self promoting agenda. No, I am not sorry. I do not accept myself as being sorry. I do not accept myself as self preservation. I do not accept myself as a raping, plundering back stabbing manifestion within this world. I stand here for oneness and equality. I am not happy. I am not sad. I do not accept myself as happy or sad because neither stand as oneness and equality. I do not accept myself as anything that cannot stand as oneness and equality. I do not accept others to accept me, other than from the starting point of oneness and equality.
Tall words, and absolutely meaningless without application. I do not accept myself as hoping that I can live up to the words I speak because hoping is not of oneness and equality and from a starting point of saving face and cowardice. Yes, tall words I speak indeed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up when I have been able to stand as oneness and equality all along.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as believing that it is too fucking hard to stand for oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as not dedicating myself to myself as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait to stand until conditions were just right for me to stand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and not take responsibility for the suffering of the world that I myself have allowed and accepted as just the way it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as needing others to stand as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as making any excuse available to delay standing for and as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong.
Strong is not of oneness and equality, but a manifestation of polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as being "serious" about standing up this time.
Serious is a definition of myself and is of polarity.
I stand here as myself as oneness and equality for oneness and equality.
I am no greater or less than anything or anyone in existence. I am existence as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe I need advice as how I can stand for oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek being ahead or on top of process.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that process means the process of all beings and not about the process of an individual.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to look down upon individuals that do not understand process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to individuals as being "ahead" in process.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself as an individual being and have believed myself to be separate from anything.
There is one, and that one is me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be concerned with talking shit, so have kept quiet so I that I could remain a "man of my word."
I forgive myself that I have carefully chosen the words I speak so that I could appear as a "man of my word."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an image of reality.Ii forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being corrected by another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as allowing another as something other than oneness and equality, so as not to disturb their happy little illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that bliss is of oneness and equality.
If we are one, how can bliss exist in this attrocity we have created?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can exist outside the suffering of the world.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am the suffering of the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to look for a way out of this suffering so that I may live oblivious to the suffering of the world.
I am the world and the world is me and we suffer together as long as any suffer.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I've realised these things about myself, especially the alone part. It is as if I've been set up to remain on the fringe of society. A position that I have never come to embrace. It suited me well in my teenage years as a saboteur of social functions, but even then I sought notoriety.
So from this position of "just under the radar", how may I assist from this point as oneness and equality?
I've found that no matter what it is that I do, that I will never gain anybody's acceptance from something I do or don't do because it is the being within that is of the only importance. In my case the being within has been of trying to gain acceptance through a doing of something. To attempt to define myself by an activity, and have completely disregarded the being within. So in this I have not been here to even have any chance at acceptance, because the being has been non-existent.
Nonetheless, it is who I am here that counts in every moment of every breath. It has taken me quite a journey to realise that it is not possible to go in and out of self honesty and somehow become the living, breathing, physically manifested expression of self honesty. But an unwavering dedication to myself to live self honesty in every moment of every breath into eternity. Then comes a point of no return in which all that one is is self, in which self dishonesty is no longer an option, because it longer exists within.
Still it is who I am here; this moment that determines the nature of my unfoldment. It is who I am here that is the microcosym of myself eternally.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Maybe that sounds confusing....uh....For instance, if there is a desire within for sex, it is there because I have allowed that program to be installed by my participation in that program.
Periodically that program will flash on the screen in a pop up window and say:
"desire for sex? please click the option you'd like to be carried out."
Then there will be a list of options like :
"Masturbate-call girlfriend-go to bar-fantasize-remind me later."
So no matter what line of action is taken from this desire, it will still be from the starting point of this program directing me.
We've become the programs in which we have participated.
Run program "breathe".
Run program "self-forgiveness"
Run program "self honesty"
Sunday, November 9, 2008
There's a desire within to express oneness and equality, which stems from my own need to be accepted as something valuable by others. For the words I speak to be insightful to those who hear so that I may have some evidence of my own self worth to the world. This goes back to me as a child, when my desire was to please my parents, to be seen and accepted as a "good son" and to hear the words "I'm proud of you son." I have done all that I have known how to do to be accepted by the world, and it is all for nothing, because I have not accepted myself here. I have looked to the world to tell me that I am good enough or that I am doing enough, and still I gained no more acceptance. I have gone largely unnoticed by the world, and it has been a great desire of mine to be seen and accepted for anything by anyone. I have constantly cried out to the world "hey, look at me! Am I good enough to be accepted? Am I doing what I need to do to be accepted and noticed?" This all because I have looked for acceptance in the first place. Thus, I've created myself and the world around me to become the expression of lack of acceptance of myself. Can I say goodbye to the world and say hello to myself? It is for me to reveal.
There are ideas of myself that keep me existing as the program of ideas. For example, to judge myself as either nice or mean because of something I do is a program, and it gets me to make a move from the starting point of judgment of what my programming consists. In my case, my programming has moved toward an image of being nice, so that program has been running in order for me to seek out the definition of "nice" and manufacture myself as that image of niceness. This nice image is connected to another program that seeks relationships to reinforce my image of being a nice person. The relationships we seek are nothing but a program that seeks to turn self into the ultimate image that one has believed is the ultimate self. The idea of the ultimate is a changing idea, thus what one seeks is uncertain and always just out of reach.
We are already the ultimate product of our programming, and we have gotten here by the programs that we have existed within and as. So if ideas are programs, and I exist as a program then it is to program ideas out of myself until ideas and concepts no longer exist within. It is not from a starting point of who I think I should or shouldn't be, but from who I am here. Because it is who I am here that is not a concept or program, but an actual manifested being.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I have friends and family to apparently "cure" my loneliness. I have been accepted as the image that I have projected or believed myself to be. If the world suddenly changed and did not accept me as the self dishonest being that I have come to be, then I would have no choice but to live within and as self honesty.
Thoughts of removing myself from society often come up, because from a mind's perspective, it would stand to reason that I would be "alone". I know lots of things from a mind's perspective and yet it does nothing for myself to stand as one and equal with existence. It has been the few times in my life, that I have apparently lost everything that I have been able to live within self forgiveness. It is the mind that tells me that I actually have something to lose.
Janis Joplin in "Bobby McGee" said that "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose", and it is when I have either lost everything or given up everything that I have no choice left.
Which one it will take for me to live as the expression of oneness and equality is a mystery.
Monday, October 27, 2008
What I see is a being that searches and searches out more defintions in an effort to convince myself that I can be defined in some manner. Because there is a fear within that if I cease to define, then surely I will cease to exist. It has not been enough to see, because from a mind's perspective, there must be more to it than what is seen. There is no defintion here, and the mind cannot be satisfied with the simplicity of oneness.
"Am I doing all that I can do?" Again, just a ploy to send me off searching for something that is already here. I've always been here, but the mind is not interested in self, because self is absolute, which would mean that the mind stops, and I remain.
It is simply amazing that I have waged this battle against an image of myself that I have created to act as myself. I have fought this image as if it is greater than me. But it is only I that has breathed it into existence and have come to believe that it has had life other than the life I have given it.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I forgive myself that I have waited for something outside myself to force me to see myself as who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ego to control my every move.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as the ego that I have been so scared of losing as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to use excuses to justify not standing as myself as one and equal with all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see who I am here, through self deception and ego boosting manipulation of myself and the world around me.
I forgive myself that I have believed myself to be a concept of who I think I am in any given moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in my own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted the comforting feeling of believing that I am doing what I can to stand one and equal with all.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that even a little self deception is still complete dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am close to a concept of self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to conclude that I am pretty fucking close to being self honest in every moment when I still choose self deception over self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view self honesty as a concept.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that self honesty is a practice and not an idea.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being self honest some of the time is enough to get me by.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that self honesty here in every moment is self honoring self with self participation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to a comparison of others in their process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paint a wonderful image of myself as something I'd like to believe of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself existing in and as beyond others in their process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as neither here nor there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the definition of non existence of self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as fearing going through process "the hard way".
I forgive myself that I have I accepted myself as fearing myself remaining the manifested self that I have become.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be intimate with myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define self intimacy as a lonely existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace myself, and support myself as who exist as here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to forgive myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as desiring support from others in my own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run as fast as I can toward self realisation out of fear of a painful existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I have attacked self honesty from the starting point of fearing the manifestaion of me as self dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I am deathly scared of being alone, and have done everything in my power to convince myself that I am immune to loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am the manifestaion of loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that hiding loneliness from myself only supresses myself as the loneliness that exists.
I embrace me.
It will all pass, all that I have become through the embracing of myself and the self honesty that remains here as all that I am. All that I am or who I have believed myself to be will pass. For I have become all that I am. Therefore all that I have become shall be undone. It is to embrace me self honestly, and to forgive all that in which I see. For who I am is nothing but a definition of who I believe myself to be. Good, bad, and all polarity that I have defined as myself will pass and I will be left without definition of who I am. Which is exactly what I have feared most. For I exist as a concept of myself and this gives me what I have defined as security. Security that needs constant reasurrance that I exist as who I have believed myself to be. Only when nothing that I have defined myself to be exists, will I truly be here as that in which I exist as indefinitely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear expressing myself for fear of not living the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being held acountable for the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to justify not standing as who I am here, because I have justified to myself that it is normal to half ass it.
I forgive myself that have allowed myself to fear being challenged or shown by another that I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear to be self honest when I know that I am really just half assing this whole process.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to fear criticism because I have feared hearing what may be true of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself to see that I run from the loneliness that is me.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that my preference for being alone is just a defense mechanism that originates from the fear of being abandoned.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is myself that I have abandoned.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am punishing myself for the guilt within that I have denied exists.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as not worthy of life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I hide the pain that exists within me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have judged my pain to be weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace the pain that I have come to exist as.
I forgive myself that have have allowed myself to hang on to the feeling of happiness out of fear of pain and suffering.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that happiness is just the other end of a cycle that I have allowed myself participate.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that fear of myself has been the directive force that I have called god.
I forgive myself that I have allowed fear of myself to direct me.
I forgive myself that I have not taken responsibility for all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I have created all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I have become exactly that in which I have allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that by embracing myself, I accept responsiblity for all that I have become.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is I that have given the directive principle of self away to the manifestations of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is all me.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be anything.
I forgive myself for running from all that I have created myself to be.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I am the conflict that I have created myself to be.
I forgive myself that I haven't realised that I am one with the conflict that I have created.
I forgive myself that I haven't unconditionally accepted self as who I am here.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
In fearing that I may do the "wrong" thing, and ultimately choose to "cover all bases" as the mind, I have already forsaken self trust, to allow the comfort of ideas and concepts to take the place of self trust. Thus, self is never present to face what is here, and self trust will never exist. Until self remains here absolutely, under all circumstances, self trust cannot be proved and remains as a mere concept.
In a sense, at this point, not even self trust exists, because self trust is all that remains. At this point only self remains as one and equal with existence.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Family and friends continue to come up as points that need transcended. Yet I know that I will not be accepted as anything but who they think I am as based upon past images that they have of me. It is understood that we hold onto past events, and relive these moments in our minds in an attempt at defining the world and people of this world. It is to define ourselves as a concept or idea so that we may feel as if we understand something of ourselves. We look at the actions of other beings to define the why of their actions. It is nothing but an effort to explain our own existence here. We believe that knowing why a person does something will help us explain ourselves. Yet when something or someone cannot be defined, our mind jumps to conclusions so that we feel comforted that we still understand something of this existence. It is generally not accepted that everything cannot be explained and defined. Often when beings fail to make sense of something, they will follow an idea of the mind and tell themselves that they understand so that the world in which they have believed in, may still exist as they have believed. Otherwise, the alternative would be to admit that they actually know nothing of this existence. This brings points of fear to the forefront, which is generally avoided at all costs. It is self as self exists here that so many of us have feared seeing. So instead we have listened to the mind's definition of self, not actually seeing self, but choosing deception and illusion so that we may feel in control.
It is only when one is willing to see self here as all that self exists as here that one may see self. In seeing self within and as self honesty, one sees also the existence of all things as they exist here. Not just a mere fabrication of the mind, but seeing as things actually exist here. Each must do this of themselves. It is dedication to self, to no longer base understanding upon past knowledge, but a willingness to see what actually is. It is without judgment, or definitions. Only seeing what is here. There is no need to explain or make sense of it. It is simply accepted as what is here.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The egomaniacal image of self that has existed as me, has fooled me of my own accord. I have allowed this to continue because I have believed that I will somehow become greater than me. It is the logic of greed within that I will somehow have gained something for nothing. Yet the price of this is nothing short of discardment of my entire self in return for a fading existence. To exist as unstability and unsubstantiality. To hide beneath mountains of images and desires until self is longer aware that self even exists, but as smoke and mirrors. It is only to stand as self here in every moment within self honesty and self forgiveness of what one sees. It is to remain here as self that allows uncompromising honor unto self to exist here as one and equal to the self honest expression of existence as self.
Monday, September 1, 2008
The portal has closed today, and I wondered at the difficulty for me ahead. Yet I know it is in remaining here that will see me through whatever should confront me. It is these ideas that I am giving something of worth up for a life of hardship and sacrafice. The sex system in particular lingers within me, just waiting for a moment that I will yield to the power I have allowed to control the movement of myself. The desire to be in a relationship confronted me earlier today. All the things that still exist within, continue to approach me with ideas of something better. To face each and every one of these points within is inevitable for each of us to face until only self remains. To wish that I didn't have to face the things that I have allowed to exist within is an absolute waste of life here. As I know it is within facing these things that I am able to realise myself as self trust. This is the only way. I have allowed it, and now it is time to face all that I have become. To forgive myself for allowing such things to exist within and as myself. Forgiving those that are so lost in their own self deception is also a way in which I may stand as myself as one and equal to existence. There is a self righteousness within that jumps up every so often that I have chosen to exist within and as judgment of the existence that they have chosen to be one and equal to. This is all tied to comparing myself to others. The desire within to be greater than everybody, which is nothing short of the desire to be the owner and master of existence. The desire to be worshipped and praised and loved and desired. These desires have been the design of my enslavement by my own choice in allowing these desires to exist within. By nurturing them until they have become one and equal with myself. So it is through self forgiveness that I may release myself from the desires that I have protected as myself. The very thing I have defended so dearly, has been the enslavement that I have chosen to allow.
Feeling tired and bored of the things that I do only distracts from who is here. It is here that life is. Seeing others continue to protect the images and ideas that they have defined as self has indeed turned me into a frustrated being. Also, another distraction of who I am here. It is here that I live. It is I that lives here. It is I that exist as I choose the being that exists here. The choice is self honesty here or all of the myriads of ways of being that exist in so many faces of self deception. One choice. Self honesty. It is either awareness of the self honesty that exists as I exist here or there is no self awareness, but only deception of self by allowance of something other than self as self honest awareness of self.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
What can remain indefinitely? Unconditionally? It is undefineable. Definitions are of a concept of the mind which consists of thoughts. Thoughts come and go and therefore exist conditionally. Emotions come and go just the same, and have never existed here unconditionally. If it something that must be obtained or sought then it cannot exist unconditionally. What is unconditional is all that exists here always unchanging. To form an idea or opinion or thought is of a temporary nature and is not of the unconditional. The feelings and emotions that come and go are conditional. If it can be turned on then it can be turned off. Engaging in temporal things is to engage in all that is not of the unconditional nature of self. It is in being what one is and always has been. Energy of any sort is conditional. Energy depletes and is finite. Who self exists as here is unconditional, no matter who or what self is.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Was there a conflict within when I decided to buy this thing? In everything we do there is a choice that one makes to either act as and within a conflict to move toward an illusionary resolution to this conflict or to remain as all that one is here. If I continue to buy food from a supermarket, then I act within this manifested existence of money and participate in my dependence upon supermarkets to remain here for me to purchase food. If I live within this society and participate as a part of this society, then I maintain this society's existence as it is. Is it even possible within this manifested reality be completely free of the world that I have helped create? I live in this city and pay my taxes. Doesn't this maintain and support the city as existing as it is? Is there a way out, in an instant? Must I forsake this entire way of life here? If I run into the woods, then I am runing from all that I exist as here, which once again is a means to some illusion of resolution. So I still have no answer. If I study martial arts, is it out of fear that I might get attacked or would I be doing it because that is the self honest expression of who I am here? Why I bought the goddamn thing has no bearing on who I exist as here. It is only the mind that wants to know. So to continue to search for an answer keeps me bound to the past as something that I had done as defining me as who I am here. I feel no different for having this firearm in my possesion. It hasn't changed who I am. I have no added sense of power or feeling of more security. To try and decide if what I did yesterday supports the mind in the past and who I exist as here becomes there and then. Not here.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist as and within frustration that people fear seeing themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I need to show people that they exist entirely within and as self deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and powerless to illustrate peoples' deception of themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is very unlikely for people to stand up as themselves within and as self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in the minority for standing as myself within and as self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my existence here as a struggle to spread truth to the masses.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted myself as who I exist as here in every moment of every breath.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that it is not about what other people do, but only about who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am not already here as all that I can ever possibly be here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence here as either closer or farther away from an idea of some higher truth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be getting closer to self realisation, as if self realisation is some point that one finally reaches and becomes some sort of enlightened being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive Bernard as some sort of higher being, and that one day I can be such a being through some sort of process of becoming interdimensional.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive interdimensionality as some sort of attainment or degree of self honesty and self realisation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as 'less than' until I become aware of existence interdimensionally.
I am here as I embrace my existence as who I am here.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I find that as I express myself honestly, that it encourages others to do the same, as John had shared some sexual experiences he had when he was a boy, that he has told very few people about. My entire life has been about hiding who I really am behind an exterior image or illusion.
It is foremost in releasing the image of myself that I have projected as myself that will fade into non existence as I remain as I am here unconditionally. Rarely has anyone showed their true colors to me because I have never shown my true colors. So this world of secrets and hiding ourselves has been compounded according to my involvement in this charade. I am finding that it doesn't have to be controversial to stand as myself. Although the self honest expression of myself may seem controversial to the mind I have allowed to suppress me, withholding or supressing myself only breeds more suppression of existence, as others project an image of who they are unto the image that I, myself have projected as myself unto them. So it ends up being two projected images of ourselves in a relationship of self dishonesty, our actual selves buried deep beneath an image we had created to act as ourselves.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
There is a lingering idea that "things would be so nice when..." Yet this never happens when these ideas are entertained. Some past or future event that takes us away from who we are here. Something better than here has always been what has kept us enslaved by the continuous pursuit of what we deem as more than or a better off scenario than what is here. It is here that we exist, and if we choose to look at things that do not exist here, then we choose illusion and deception as our existence. It is admitting that who we exist as here is not enough. That somewhere else is where we will finally be complete. Common sense shows us that this is utter nonsense. This is what breeds this world of polarity. This striving to become something greater than who we have always been, and who we will always be.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist in separation of myself by choosing to view here as less that what could be.
I forgive myself that I have chosen to see here as something that must be escaped out of fear of remaining here as all that I am here.
Here is the opportunity to stand and remain here as all that I am and have become through my partcipation in pursuing some illusion of a greater existence.
Here is what I exist as here. This is the constant. This is all that can remain indefinitely. I embrace what is here. I am here.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this world and the people within it as limited to what the mind believes is possible.
I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to continually calculate probability equations of what may or may not happen; and base my actions upon this prediction that I had believed to have been the probable outcomes of an event.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to unconsciously limit or create the circumstance by allowing and accepting myself to expect a certain outcome instead of just being here.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to allow myself to, within and as the mind, fear judgement of who I am by attempting to "cover all bases" so that i can always explain my actions as being "correct".
This is not self honesty, but self deception. Nothing but limiting myself to "acceptable" statements that cannot be disputed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear disputes.
I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to suppress myself out of fear of disputes.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that any disputes that exist, exist as the mind, as all that I have allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings questioning of my intentions.
I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear being not liked by everybody.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as here as who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to analise my moves or actions and judge myself from and as a mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit myself to "correctness".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being incorrect.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit and define me as correct or incorrect.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry about others perception of me as being less than.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge and limit myself to definitions of more than or less than me.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am all that exists, and that which exists within manifests within and as this existence as myself.
Friday, July 25, 2008
It is here that life is. Yet my perceived self, or the mind, moves to analyze my "level" of awareness in an attempt to remain existing. A continuous struggle is what fuels the mind. Without a struggle or conflict within, the mind cannot exist. The mind cannot be still. It is movement from who I am here, that has kept the mind existing. All attempts at understanding myself into greater detail, or trying to find some basis to explain or define myself is all the mind. To remember some golden rule or something to base my entire existence upon. It is the mind's way of becoming stable. If this stability is shaken or removed, the mind immediately seeks another point of stability. Grasping for anything in which to continue working as definitions and rationalisations. It is the mind that panics when nothing makes sense. It is the mind that believes itself to be close or far from complete understanding. This all to continue to the quest for existing. No movement equals no mind. It is remaining here that the mind cannot conceive. It is remaining here that removes the mind from existence. No longer a reflection of self exists, only self. Gaining anything can only be of the mind, as all that exists is here as self. There is no "close", only here.
The mind presents itself as me...for if I believe myself to be the mind, surely I will not destroy what I believe to be myself. So it is this partcipation in the mind's presentation of who I am as myself that has kept it existing as who I have believed myself to be. Yet this struggle is all for nought, for only I can exist infinitely here. The mind will succumb to the nature of who I am.
The mind cannot exist infinitely, as the mind is conditional to movement. To stop the mind removes it from existence, which is inevitable. Whether I choose to do it by no longer participating within and as the mind here or I continue living within and as the mind until it no longer exists and I have no choice but to face myself here. It is done either way.
So I have found myself to be existing as the mind, to find more that I can do to further my process. More self forgiveness or more than remaining here. It confuses the mind to search for nothing. To remain here makes no sense. To be here. No concept. Remaining here within each breath. It's not in diligently remaining breath, as this implies that it is somehow something that must be strived for. It is in letting go of all that one feels or thinks that he must do in order to become something or some way of being. It is in being. Being all that one is and has accepted oneself to become within self forgiveness. To face self as self within self honesty. To see oneself as all that one has believed self to be within self honesty and self forgiveness, here. It is in remaining here that one can realise self trust, as the mind dissolves into non existence, and only self remains.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
It is the fear of losing the things that I have experienced to be desrieable that has kept me bound. The fear of the unknown, the fear of finding out the truth of myself. I have defined myself and have grown to be attached to that in which I have defined myself to be. It is the fear of actually seeing me as something different than what I have defined as me that has kept me from the actual me. The fear that I wil be disappointed or the fear that I will not like what i see. So instead I have hung on to this image of "me" because I have judged it as acceptable and fear what I might see if I actually see me. So I have chosen not to see me. I have turned away out of fear of myself.