Monday, October 13, 2008
So sometimes I write...just to write and my blog is the place for me to do that. So apparently there is a conflict within. Mostly, I just type in my blog...but since I was informed that to be involved in PF, I had to post a certain number of posts within a certain amount of time, I feel a need to post my blog there too??? I must admit that it feels like homework or something of the sort. Although I enjoy writing to extract these hidden conflicts within, I have felt no real need to advertise my struggles. As I write these things, I realise that there is so much connected to a mind conscoiusness system, that has prevented my from posting on Desteni. For one, I haven't wanted to clog up the forum with loads of garbage, and endless ramblings about problems that all have the same application of process. Which so happens to be self forgiveness and self honesty and self application. So I have felt it to be redundant in nature to just go blah blah blah blah blah...self forgiveness, self application within self honesty. Is this just self judgment? I also have realised that what exists within, is created and manifested in and of this world as myself. So it is within and as myself that I walk this process. So once again to be blatantly honest, I sometimes say to myself, "I don't get it...why must I do certain things to remain on private forum?" and from a mind perspective, I understand that it is me assisting me, yet the conflict at hand is some sort of construct that feels threatened to be told what to do. Something that I have seen akin to my parents telling me to clean my room, or waking up every morning and going to work at a job that I don't like. Not that I don't enjoy participation, but when it is demanded, an automatic reaction wants to come alive and say "fuck off, I do what I want, when I want, and how I want mutha fucka!" Hahahaha. OMG! These constructs are so deep rooted, and I still view them as who I am. But I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am a defintion of a "free thinker" or the definition of "one who can't be placed into a box." Hehehe. Such ego have I allowed to have power. I have also found another construct that cannot stand to be told what I already know. This would stem from a fear of misjudgment. Which would really be a desire to be judged as who I have believed myself to be. So supporting this image I have held so dear to me. It is really nonsensical when seen in common sense to want an image of self to act as self or to interact with others as self, while self remains dormant and hidden beneath. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing an image that I have believed to be me to act in place of the self honest expression of who I am here. and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen in a certain light and have loathed being seen in what I have defined as undesireable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I would clog the forum full of redundant and meaningless ramblings on and on. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to consider how I might be judged if I were to post on Desteni Universe "too" often. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to miss being on private forum. I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to wonder if I will ever qualify for private forum. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I were being forced to do something. God, that's a tough one. I have really grown accustomed to resistance toward those that I have believed are telling me what to do. Man, it is strong within. Its favorite expression is "Fuck off!" Hehe.