Saturday, October 18, 2008
I visited Shauna last night. I haven't seen her in many months. Some thoughts try to entertain me with possible future circumstances. There is a desire within me to be in a relationship. There is an idea or concept that would have me believe that it would be so much nicer to have someone that relies on me for affection and also for me to express my affection toward a being. The thought of making someone happy or being someone's sunshine is deeply seeded within and as me. These desires would have me in pursuit of dreams that I have viewed as the good life. Shauna fits the ideas that I have had of what the perfect someone for me entails. This is how I have defined her. I used to believe that she would bring out the best in me, this is a reason that I had fallen for her so hard. I see that the "best" of me is simply me as all that I am here. It was only a personality that I had created to act as I believed I should act. To be seen as a "good" man, honest, sensitive, hard working, caring, strong, confident, loving, expressive, creative, intelligent, masculine, etc. Who I had become was someone that was out to prove that I was all of these things, instead of just remaining here as myself. To convince someone that I am a certain way instead of just being here as all that I am, for all to see.