What I see as who I am is someone that is deathly scared of realising something about myself that maybe true, but I am unwillingly to see. I have not been self honest with myself and it comes out often when I talk about others' fuck ups. In this pointing out others' dishonesty, I am extremely scared that that is exactly who I am. So it has been my way of hiding from myself the truth of myself. I know myself through and through, but admitting to myself that I am the manifestation of self deceit, will kill the being that I have held so dear. To see that I have not stood as myself, when I believe that I have been doing that, means that I choose self deception and manipulation over self honesty. I fear the hard life, so out of this fear and self interest, I choose the "easy" path. I have chosen to wait until the bitter end to stand as myself, which means that I will not stand as one and equal unless I am forced to do so.
I forgive myself that I have waited for something outside myself to force me to see myself as who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ego to control my every move.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as the ego that I have been so scared of losing as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to use excuses to justify not standing as myself as one and equal with all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see who I am here, through self deception and ego boosting manipulation of myself and the world around me.
I forgive myself that I have believed myself to be a concept of who I think I am in any given moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in my own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted the comforting feeling of believing that I am doing what I can to stand one and equal with all.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that even a little self deception is still complete dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am close to a concept of self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to conclude that I am pretty fucking close to being self honest in every moment when I still choose self deception over self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view self honesty as a concept.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that self honesty is a practice and not an idea.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being self honest some of the time is enough to get me by.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that self honesty here in every moment is self honoring self with self participation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to a comparison of others in their process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paint a wonderful image of myself as something I'd like to believe of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself existing in and as beyond others in their process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as neither here nor there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the definition of non existence of self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as fearing going through process "the hard way".
I forgive myself that I have I accepted myself as fearing myself remaining the manifested self that I have become.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be intimate with myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define self intimacy as a lonely existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace myself, and support myself as who exist as here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to forgive myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as desiring support from others in my own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run as fast as I can toward self realisation out of fear of a painful existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I have attacked self honesty from the starting point of fearing the manifestaion of me as self dishonesty.
I breathe.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I am deathly scared of being alone, and have done everything in my power to convince myself that I am immune to loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am the manifestaion of loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that hiding loneliness from myself only supresses myself as the loneliness that exists.
I embrace me.
It will all pass, all that I have become through the embracing of myself and the self honesty that remains here as all that I am. All that I am or who I have believed myself to be will pass. For I have become all that I am. Therefore all that I have become shall be undone. It is to embrace me self honestly, and to forgive all that in which I see. For who I am is nothing but a definition of who I believe myself to be. Good, bad, and all polarity that I have defined as myself will pass and I will be left without definition of who I am. Which is exactly what I have feared most. For I exist as a concept of myself and this gives me what I have defined as security. Security that needs constant reasurrance that I exist as who I have believed myself to be. Only when nothing that I have defined myself to be exists, will I truly be here as that in which I exist as indefinitely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear expressing myself for fear of not living the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being held acountable for the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to justify not standing as who I am here, because I have justified to myself that it is normal to half ass it.
I forgive myself that have allowed myself to fear being challenged or shown by another that I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear to be self honest when I know that I am really just half assing this whole process.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to fear criticism because I have feared hearing what may be true of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself to see that I run from the loneliness that is me.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that my preference for being alone is just a defense mechanism that originates from the fear of being abandoned.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is myself that I have abandoned.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am punishing myself for the guilt within that I have denied exists.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as not worthy of life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I hide the pain that exists within me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have judged my pain to be weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace the pain that I have come to exist as.
I forgive myself that have have allowed myself to hang on to the feeling of happiness out of fear of pain and suffering.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that happiness is just the other end of a cycle that I have allowed myself participate.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that fear of myself has been the directive force that I have called god.
I forgive myself that I have allowed fear of myself to direct me.
I forgive myself that I have not taken responsibility for all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I have created all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I have become exactly that in which I have allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that by embracing myself, I accept responsiblity for all that I have become.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is I that have given the directive principle of self away to the manifestations of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is all me.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be anything.
I forgive myself for running from all that I have created myself to be.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I am the conflict that I have created myself to be.
I forgive myself that I haven't realised that I am one with the conflict that I have created.
I forgive myself that I haven't unconditionally accepted self as who I am here.
I breathe.