Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I'm of the impression that it might be necessary for me to be completely alone in this process. Of course, that is the case, but for me to actually live the self honest expression of me, nuclear holocaust and me as the only survivor or something like that comes to mind. Hehe. Or maybe a little less drastic scenario in which I am completely ostracised or abandonned by friends and family. Why would I say such a thing? When I have seen avenues that can be taken in lieu of standing here as myself within self honesty, I have gone down those roads that have allowed me to compromise myself, and in this compromise, I have no self awareness. Self has been the last resort when all else fails. The point that I haven't realised is that self is where it starts and where it ends. I am the origin, but I have not lived within this awareness because there has been nothing to force me to live as such.
I have friends and family to apparently "cure" my loneliness. I have been accepted as the image that I have projected or believed myself to be. If the world suddenly changed and did not accept me as the self dishonest being that I have come to be, then I would have no choice but to live within and as self honesty.
Thoughts of removing myself from society often come up, because from a mind's perspective, it would stand to reason that I would be "alone". I know lots of things from a mind's perspective and yet it does nothing for myself to stand as one and equal with existence. It has been the few times in my life, that I have apparently lost everything that I have been able to live within self forgiveness. It is the mind that tells me that I actually have something to lose.
Janis Joplin in "Bobby McGee" said that "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose", and it is when I have either lost everything or given up everything that I have no choice left.
Which one it will take for me to live as the expression of oneness and equality is a mystery.

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