Saturday, January 29, 2011

I have been stuck within a mechanism of 'building' relationships, instead of realizing that I am here. A relationship is built in order to illicit a particular set pattern of behavior.
The type of relationship I've tried to illicit from Desteni is an "acceptance."

That is why I have sought to prove that I "understand"; that I'm "on board", so that I could get the ' "oh yeah, he understands-he's one us us"-response; or to prove that I am at a 'certain' place within process. To get an approval nod. To be part of an inner circle. So that I may get special treatment as an insider.

As if to say, "hey, look at me! Aren't you proud of me? Aren't you amazed at how well I'm doing, and how much I understand?"

This relationship with Desteni started almost immediately. Just as a relationship starts, I was excited to have found people that were talking about things that interested me. REAL things. I knew how "special" Desteni is, and so I pursued 'clinching' the rare gem. So securing a 'relationship' was my main concern, and 'who I am here' was "lost" within the attention given to the 'relationship', instead.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Today I was deliberately exposing myself in an imaginary. transition phase/shuffling phase in which I am trying to "find" myself. It is an effective way to remain here. I've been ignoring the shuffling phase, because I saw it as the distance that must be traveled to arrive at my destination.

Instead of seeing that I am already here. There is never anywhere to 'get to'. Nor any way to 'be', because I am already 'that' in which I am here, the only way that I can direct what is here, is to, first, be what is here. That is common sense.

If I cannot even direct this being here, then I am just along for the ride with no direction of my own will.