I haven't posted unconditionally because I have feared rejection, or challenge, or judgment. Because I know that I fear these things, I have "avoided", checking and double checking references and rewriting what might be misunderstood to have a different meaning than what I mean. It is all rooted is my search for love. To be loved by the world, to be praised, just as some "gods" have wanted for themselves. What a petty, meaningless desire. If I truly loved the world and myself then I would be that which supports life equally. I would be that action in fact, the walking breathing, love in action. Love is action. Not an emotion. Emotions are useless and self-serving non-action or reaction, i.e. dependent upon certain conditions in order to exist, and offers no solution to our current world of suffering and abuse and inequality.
Love is that which is being done, PRESENTLY, to support all to exist equally as equals and one. Love MUST support all as equals, because love could never be distributed unequally and still be considered love. That would imply scarcity, which implies possessiveness and abuse. Love is that which supports all to exist equally in every way, eternally. Everything else is abuse, and a compromise made to support an excuse as to why we allow abuse in any form or quantity.

Equal money for all, I just realized that that which exists physically that supports inequality, supports abuse. So many people have wanted to eradicate this 'evil money', but it is what we do with our money, and what we support with our contribution that promotes its evilness. Because money has been used out of fear and greed and personal gain, it has become the expression of abuse. So if money were used to promote equality and oneness, then that physical reality would be that money supports equality. Because in the instant that money supports equality, it becomes it, as a physical reality.

What do I do that contributes physically to inequality? and Anything within this world that supports abuse or inequality in any way, physically, can be physically directed to support all life equally. Until, the reality of each physical manifestation within this world is an expression of equality.

We are born into a world of debt, a system that requires that you learn to support the system, otherwise the system will not support you. Because, the system is conditional, our world supports only the spectrum of possibility in which you are not worthy of the system's support unless you first do something to support the system. However, the system's concern is only for maximum energy extraction from an individual to further support the system's continued existence. Where in a system that offers equal money for all, money takes a stand to support life unconditionally. That which is here, physically is the expression of existence. If the expression of existence happens to be of inequality in any way, then that would mean that there is an expression for 'more' and for 'less' that is being allowed to exist, physically here.

"What" it is that someone does, if it does not support oneness and equality in all ways, accepts this existence as allowing abuse to exist. This implies that one applies equality and oneness to all things. To be equal and one with self. Realizing that only self exists. That which I know to 'best' for me from within myself as I breathe me in. That which supports all life equally is the same thing that allows myself to trust that "I" am existence, and that I inherently understand equality already, but haven't allowed myself to trust in its stability.

Maybe more than any one point, I notice that in general, "self-image" comes up as a recurring tendency. It has been my 'go to' or default consideration upon undertaking a task. Image is important to me because, with the right image, one gains access to the many perks within this world. It has been important to me because, my only concern has been how much I can gain of the things that I have given worth.
Strange, but of everything that I would REALLY want, which in essence is self-acceptance, I must first give myself acceptance because self-acceptance is necessary for me, because it is my responsibility, and it is naturally my duty to be self-honest and a willingness to see who self is, and to make necessary behavior modifications, which would be to simply accept self within self-honesty and within forgiveness of the abuse that self has or is participating in.

Within moving from the starting point of gaining something for myself, I've already ensured that abuse in some form will occur. From the last year of investigation, I have found that upon the 'auto pilot' mode, there is no self-expression. It is merely programmed response to stimuli and supports a self-interested agenda. I have yet to find anything other than self-interest as the programming that I have allowed within.

Equal money for all. I have not really investigated it within. Some aversions to it are as follows:
Getting people to agree with it as a viable solution.
I don't really know if it is a viable solution. Perhaps it is the simplest, most direct route to oneness and equality. Due to the incurring collapse of the world wide economy, people may be more willing to listen if they have nothing. This moment, investigating within, I see there are points of concern for giving up some comforts to which I have become accustomed. One way or another, eventually, I will realize that the only way to for there to exist equality of myself with all the world is to, myself, be equal in supporting equality of and as myself, one and equal with the world as one and equal with me.

There is a point or belief or definition/judgment that I am more able to express myself honestly to women/girls. The "sensitive" me anyway. That which I have normally hidden from the world. There is an expression that I have believed requires a females presence in order to express that which I believe I am in short supply. Myself, that which I have not done for me is allowing myself to be intimate with me. At least partly because of the "negative" things that I would have to confront, from a self-definition perspective. I would have to admit that I am not the image that I have portrayed myself to be. That I am simply here as all that I am. It is humbling, yet I rid myself of carrying that baggage. There is nothing to live up to, as in what I must do to maintain a personality.
I have wanted people to accept me as the personality that I accepted as myself. To create a "better me", yet all of this requires energy to maintain, therefore it can not be me, because I am already me, without maintaining a personality. It is a waste to allow that to exist, by feeding it and upgrading it to the latest version of personality. The energy expenditure spent worrying about how that my personality is being perceived by others. Acting within a limited range of possibility, to achieve success, as a character/impostor, because who I have been is self-interested. So of course, I have gone around hiding who I am, because I know that I have devious intentions.
It is amazing that anyone could somehow ignore their own deviant behavior, and instead follow a system of beliefs to act according to what one chooses to believe about themselves. We look to our neighbor and see how dishonest they live, therefore it is easily justifiable, because "I am least not the worst case of dishonesty." As if that is any reason to allow self to continue deceiving existence with a personality.

Much of the reason that people do not give all of oneself to one another, because it has rarely been seen in action. It has been generally accepted that the only possibility is the way it has always been. We have locked ourselves into that future reality, because we have believed that it is a foregone conclusion to do only as we have always done for thousands of years. We have not changed because we have believed that even if I were to change, that it would not make a difference; so why bother? Since people have never supported all life equally as themselves, because we have never done anything other than put the individual above the whole. Because we have not seen that the only real triumph is equality in all ways to all things, we have only been interested in how much I can do for myself. In reality it is so limited, because it requires others to have less, which could never be considered as any real triumph.

Instead of living within equality, which includes everything, we have lived exclusive lifestyles, that only includes ourselves. That is the grand illusion, that more for self is actually more. More suffering in the world, yes. Practically speaking, it is senseless to participate in anything other than supporting our own existence as one and equal with all beings within existence. Anything else is self-abuse by supporting more suffering within this world that I AM, in fact.

It is to be aware of each action and the far reaching consequences or each action. If it does not support self to be one and equal with all beings, then it is unacceptable. It is an excuse to say that I didn't know any better, because it affects us all, and self-responsibility is required for self-realization. Of course, people don't care to find out because it would most certainly mean that, "I would feel guilty about my lifestyle and might not be able to continue in my blissful existence, oblivious to how I promote abuse of another being within existence." That is the million dollar question: What is the consequences of my actions for all time? If it does not support existence equally eternally, then it is not acceptable.

I was frozen yesterday, in trying to decipher the moment, because I was not consciously aware of that in which I was participating, and I was plagued with a longing to know, or have some sort of reference point, so that I could define what it was that I was experiencing. The moment was not enough for my active mind. There was continuous suggestion within to not accept this moment as the only moment. I was fighting myself, trying not to try. Stopping was difficult, because I looking at a specific outcome, which was to stop thinking and self-analyzing. So I kept looking at myself to define "how" I was being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look at "myself" in order to make an assessment of myself by defining and judging what I see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as a "screw up" because, I "caught" myself doing things that I judged were worthy of regret.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that corrective action is and self-forgiveness is a process in eliminating self-interested behaviors, by participating in that which does support oneness and equality of beings. Self-honestly doing that which is "best" for me, in which case if it truly is best for me, then it also means that it is the best for existence, equally in support of the expression of each being's support for each other being's expression of equality and oneness.

All that is eternal of me is what will remain, unconditionally. If it can come and go, then it is not something eternal. It is in identifying that which remains under all conditions, everything else is temporary and of no substance. Not in search of substance, but in realizing what is not real, and ceasing to participate in that which is able to be corrupted. When that which is temporary is removed from within, and what remains is irremovable and real. It is not drawing energy from "somewhere", but realizing ,the non-diminishable, already here.

I was just killing myself to try and realize, or "naturally" let go. Binding myself to the experience of "not being able to ..." Self is HERE. How is self assisting self to support self, equal to existence, empty of struggle to remain existing in any "certain" way. Already here. If it can be lost, then it is not worth hanging on, because it is unreal, and can be removed, it is conditional. All that is subject to conditionality, is all that will eventually fade anyway, so it was never unconditional to begin with. Empty, formless, and containing existence entirely. EXISTENCE. Eternal existence of what IS was and will be. That which REMAINS. It could never be anything that fluctuates, or fades, or begins or ends. The essence of existence as equal and one with existence. It is not even "something".

That's the funny part, because it can't be searched out, because there is no IT to begin with. It is the search, itself, that there is some magical secret of existence that does not exist, nobody knows how to find it, or how to identify it, but everybody is searching for IT. That's the big joke. THIS is IT! and nobody sees it, because we are all in our heads looking for IT, or believing that we got IT, or almost gonna get IT, and it turns out that it was all just a search to keep searching, focused on a goal of becoming 'something'. As if for some reason we need to ' be "something"' in order to be something; as if being self is not a something that is "enough" of a something already. So to be counted as "something", a personality is formed, limited to the "personality traits" that have been defined as 'personality', is wearing a number to be counted as "real" and definable and limited to "who I am", according to self-definitions. "individuality", and what is allowed to define "me" as 'something', by tacitly agreeing to live within the boundaries of an accepted "personality".

As if to claim or state a value to the unique number one is wearing. My unique number/personality, apparently "who I am", but it is only a program, just like a computer follows instructions or rules of that program. A "personality" is a program that carries out what was programmed in. Personality, is all just an attempt at gaining validation and justification of one's apparent uniqueness.

I am not quite sure how it started, but there is an underlying guilt reaction that I have associated with enjoying physical touch. A system within me that does not allow me to experience the enjoyment of feeling within this body. It has something to do with sexual expression and how I have associated sex with feeling. When I have been touched in a way that the body agrees with, my mind says "no, do not allow yourself to enjoy this moment." I have believed somehow that I do not deserve this or that I am not worthy of experiencing human touch, or even the touch or feel of my own body. Even enjoyment in general, I have had much aversion to expressing enjoyment to anybody. Interesting. Even the word "touch", I have even had an aversion about uttering the word touch, when referring to the human body. Come to think of it the word "body" is linked to the word "touch" in a similar fashion.

Somehow, I have associated the enjoyment of feeling or touch with perversion. Utterly fascinating! It stems from a belief that if I were to express that I enjoyed a particular way of being touched, then that would somehow, according to the world, mean that I was perverted, or be a lesser being if it were to be known. I have been so careful to hide any hint that I might enjoy touch in any way, especially when it involved a family member. It has something to do with vulnerability, and allowing myself to express vulnerability in any way. I have associated vulnerability with weakness, just as I have done with tenderness and gentleness. Enjoyment, in general, I have associated with weakness. Expressing uncensored enjoyment in any form has been considered taboo to me. Also certain ways of moving my body; I have limited myself to only those movements that are "strong". Anything that might considered "graceful", by anyone has also been avoided. Only "strong" and bold movement have I allowed to be expressed. Nothing vulnerable ever. I am flabbergasted!

Also, I have gone about hiding pain in the same way. I have very deliberately covered my body's expression in any way that I have defined as a sign of weakness. Oh man, what a mess I have created. No wonder I have found ways to express myself in secret. I have not allowed myself to accept myself as the self-honest expression of myself as who I am. In each scenario, I have meticulously censored out that in which I have believed is not a strong enough expression, or intimidating enough or powerful enough, or mature enough or masculine enough. I have not believed that I am enough of anything, so I have covered up, in every way that I could think of to cover my insecurities or dislikes about myself, and have spent enormous amounts of energy, proving to the world that which I have defined as myself to not be true.

I have wanted for others to believe that I am a perfect specimen, even though I could not believe it myself. I have known the truth of myself, yet I have done extensive work to cover up any aspect where I thought that I was inadequate. In everything that I have done, I have followed the most "natural path" or the path of least resistance to prove that the image that I wished to portray was recognized as the truth by the world.

I have known that I enjoy being touched, and I have known that I have covered my true expression with the image of how it was that I wanted to be perceived by others. Goddamn, it has been my physical expression that I have hidden from, the real me. This being here, this expression here is what I have been all along. Not what I thought I should or shouldn't be, only what I have been. And there is the voice inside that says to me, "you can't just be you, what would they think? What might come out if you do not constantly monitor each expression, then the truth of yourself may be exposed, and that is unacceptable."

Whoa, now this is some extensive shit, connected to every point within me. The extent that I can forgive myself is so far reaching, within every aspect of who I have become. That puts a new perspective on things. Hehehe. Extensive, yet simple. The physical. Me as this expression here. How could I have been so blind to that which has been here all along. Not what my mind says, but who I am here. Not an interpretation, what is here for all to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I might forget who I am. Who I am is who I am here. This physical being here. I only need to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind in an effort to "make sure" that I am "correct" that I am here. To "make sure" that I have not missed something.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as this physical being here within each and every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must hang onto the realizations that I have had, lest I lose sight of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my understanding of the world and myself represents reality more accurately than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I will go back into my mind and forget all about my physicality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I may be just reiterating things that I have heard from Desteni, and have doubted that I am actually expressing myself, and instead have only memorized "correct" phrases, and that I really am just repeating what I have heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder where I must go and what I must do now to remain within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others according to how much one understands, according to how I have perceived myself and others' understanding. Huh?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone reading this will think or show me that I am full of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider how I will be judged and base my worth upon that perceived judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing that I actually enjoy others' responses because I have feared being seen as someone that needs feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to not give a shit whether or not someone reads or responds to my posts, because I have wanted to appear "strong" or self-motivated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as according to how I have defined myself, and not just seeing me for who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure that people stay far enough away so that there is little or no danger of being rejected or criticized for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious about ridding myself of my mind. I am here, I express myself here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have an aversion to using the word "here" because I have feared that if I would be "incorrect" in stating that I am here, then it would look like I am full of shit, and then people would just write me off as someone who is mostly just full of shit.

Goddamn, fear of rejection is extensive. I have judged myself as unacceptable, and who I am has been hidden. I have rejected myself, and instead have created an image so that I could be accepted as an image instead of myself. My mind fears rejection, because it has rejected me, and it does not want to be rejected and exposed as the illusion that it is. So it does everything to make itself real through its existence through me as me. It has been me, I have wanted to believe that the image could be made real, because I have thought that just myself is not grand enough. I have thought of myself as too ordinary, too repulsive, too inadequate and have followed the promise of the mind that I could one day be everything that my mind had planned for me to become. From this starting point, I have been chasing rainbows, never here, always looking to validate myself in my search for glory. In this I have become the definition of self-rejection, always chasing something more than myself. Incroyable! I forgive that I have allowed myself to suppress myself because I believed that I have to be more. I allow me to be me. Just me. I thank myself that I have allowed myself to just be me. No judgments. Me. Here, this being here. Into me I see. What do I see? ME. okay.

I just breathe here for now.

When the utmost tragic occurs, in some, what is often brought to the surface is an unconditional giving of oneself, more often than when survival is not at stake. That is what I see anyways, whether this is true, or if it is only my perception is not truly known by me, but what this implies is that the bulk of humanity will not care for each and every being within existence unless the situation becomes so dire and a selflessness is allowed to show from within. In situations such as natural disasters, it is suddenly deemed as acceptable to give all of oneself.

What are some of the reasons that we require a tragedy in order to let ourselves emerge? For one, image is less likely to be allowed within self. The current circumstance becomes the most pressing issue, and instead of an underlying agenda, we realize that in lieu of seeing more suffering, we are suddenly willing to do whatever that is required of us to involve ourselves in whatever way that we can assist in seeing that the suffering be as minimal as possible. In such times, it becomes apparent that we could not possibly face ourselves if we do anything less than what we can.

We are currently in the midst of a tragedy, yet most of us are content to remain unaware of the tragic circumstances in which we live. So instead of offering our support to another, we hold on to our small piece of comfort, and wait for someone else to take responsibility for what we are faced with. We turn away and pretend not to see, because our own comfort is too important to risk losing. We understand that it would take our complete dedication to all beings, and being the self-interested beings that we have become, we are not willing to forsake that in which we believe is our salvation, for another being, lest we lose that in which we believe we must cling.

But if truth be known, in such actions, we have already forsaken ourselves, for something that is only a shadow of who we really are, which is existence entirely, one and equal. We hide from ourselves that we are selfish, and justify our way of life, by reasoning that we have to look out for number ONE, first and foremost. We allow ourselves to remain unaware that we are allowing self-interest to reign supreme within this existence by allowing it to exist within and as ourselves, and through us, selfishness is expressed as ourselves unto the world. Thus through our participation in selfishness, we allow the destruction and suffering of the world and ourselves to continue as the the expression of selfishness as ourselves.

It quite simple, that which is allowed within self is allowed to exist within this world as ourselves. We all have to do our part. It is up to each and everyone of us to stand for all life equally, to not allow self-interest to exist within and as self. The alternative is complete separation of us all, for as long as any self-interest is permitted to remain existing, we will only be able to exist as the separation that we have allowed to exist.

I realize that I am of a handful of beings on earth that realize what has to be done. This does not make me special, but understanding that each of us contribute to this reality by what is allowed to remain existing within each being ; it is my responsibility to end all self-interest within me. Knowing and merely talking about what has to be done is a far cry from actually doing it. The belief structure that we are all separate from one another still exists within and as me, and it is upheld and fed through the thoughts that are allowed. Still, this is only knowledge that I have acquired, and is not something I have yet proven to myself. There is a belief that maybe I have not explored all facets of the mind, and that maybe I should explore further, before I speak of 'hand me down' knowledge. This is one reason that I have not yet stopped all participation within the mind. I have assumed that my beliefs have been true, and in that assumption, I seek to prove my assumption to be true. It is a program existent within me, and it will continue as long as I allow that program to run. In each allowance of it, I allow further exploitation of the mind's agenda.

Are all thoughts self-interest? That is the question that I have not answered for myself. I am told that they are, yet I do not know this for a fact. I can know however, by simply being aware of the starting point of each thought that bides for my participation. I have not really questioned the thoughts that emerge, and the origin of them or their underlying motive. In being self-honest as I am faced with each thought, I can prove to myself the nature of each thought and whether or not there is merit to any thought and if any thought is worth considering. I have not been willing to put each thought to the test; and have been scared to investigate further, for fear of participating within a thought. This fear is invalid, not only because if a thought is within me, then it is me, but also because thoughts do not control me without my permission for them to control me. So here I stand to expose each thought, and the actual motive that lies within. Testing in progress...Results pending...

I can't wish myself away from here, and that illusion has been my primary motivation within each moment. Seeing all that I have allowed of myself rushing to the fore front urges me to run and take cover. It can be downright discouraging to see it all while knowing that I have no other choice. It is what I have allowed, and I have to face up. The pain that I have ignored, and looked instead toward a promise of a greater existence, that I may be distracted from the reality that I have been the cause of my own suffering, because I have been steadily removing myself from existence, and the consequence has been the pain that I experience within myself and within the world, likewise.

One thing at a time, one step at a time, dealing with what is here. It is within this context, and not and end result, that I may remain here. I have had a hard time swallowing that pill, because I have so long consulted with my imaginations of somewhere beyond here, at the end of the rainbow. Although, that can be known, it is a mere theory to me at this point because I have not proved it in any way within this physical reality. There is only one way to do that, and that is to remain here within this physical reality. I have continually allowed myself to be whisked away into an imaginary reality within the mind, because I have deemed it too difficult to remain here, and face what is here within this physical reality.

Accepting that this is the only reality is a contradiction to all that I have believed, and coaxes me to an "easier" path. A path that disregards the present reality so that I may be comforted by false hopes and promises that do not exist anywhere, except for within the delusion of mind. What an unfortunate prospect it is to undertake the anxiety that is manifested within, by dreaming about a day that I will finally reach the top of a mountain, and all the while missing every moment that I am here, to instead place value on an idea that my existence will somehow be of greater worth when I arrive at a particular destination. In the meantime, my existence here is of no concern or of any worth, because I have thrown each moment away as if it is to be stomped upon for no other purpose than to get somewhere else. Such a tragic comedy this pursuit of everlasting peace has created!
___________________________________________________________________

I detect a resistance within me regarding direct assistance of others to support me. I have already seen, within me, a tendency to becoming dependent upon communication with another being, in that I would rather struggle along with another's encouragement instead of standing alone and realizing that which I already know about myself. I already know what has to be done, and that because I understand that I must stand absolutely here under all circumstances, and I wish for "one last time" that I may indulge in what I have done for my entire life.

It is the very same thing that I identified earlier within myself, which is wishing myself away from here into another existence within the grandeur of the oh so extravagant mind. Persistence does not adequately describe the absoluteness of standing here. It all appears to be a menacingly enormous task, because I have not stood here, and have instead seen it within the definitions that I have had of a duration and as many separate events as viewed through a scope of time. Separate events is how I have come to define the world and myself. It is as simple as remaining here, yet I haven't shaken the idea of a linear existence, and I have chosen to instead look at my "progress" in relation to how much time has elapsed, and how many events have taken place. Comparing and judging myself in relation to how far I have come, and how far I think I have to go.

Hehehe. It all seems so ridiculously obvious that there is only one moment here, and that this is the only reality. But not yet can I be trusted with life, because I have so far proven that I run away and hide from what is truly here, so that I may catch a glimpse of what is elsewhere in a fairy tale of self-definitions and self-analyzing and self-judgments. HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE!

If by my actions and beliefs, I imply that there is something beyond, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be anywhere but here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this existence as a series of separated events, instead of realizing that I am here. I am here. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the difficulty level of future moments to come, thereby losing awareness that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern that, things are easier or more difficult in relation to an event that does not exist except within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a future event where it will all be "better".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief and thought pattern that there is some sort of conclusion that is the epitome of existence, above and beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am getting somewhere now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief of finality. That one day soon if I play my cards right I will be finally at peace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to define and judge my existence here, rather than just be here, this moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this moment is implied eternally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern: "I hope I make it this time" which only implies that there is a destination over there somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander self-direction because I have not allowed myself to trust that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "make sure" I am not fooling myself by consulting the mind that compares myself in relation to the past or future projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look "beyond" here.

I live here. I live here. I live here. Here. Here. Here. Breathe. Breathe. Here I am. I am here. Her I am. Breathe. Here I am.