Monday, December 8, 2008

There are definitions of each situation within the mind, which selects from within a "multiple choice" of definitions to make sense of the world. It is limited to that in which one has defined the world. For instance, to say that someone is mean, is choosing from within a definition that exists within the mind. Within choosing from this "multiple choice", one only expands one's own definition of what mean is, and reinforces the idea of 'mean' as an idea of reality.

Each idea is connected to another definition of reality.


It is the opportunity for me here to embrace myself as I am here. There is an idea that I might not be noticed if I were to just be myself, without doing something out of the ordinary in order to be noticed. It has been my modus operandi; to step out of my 'ordinary placement' within this world. I have never embraced this situation, because I have longed for others to stand in awe of me. I wanted something more than myself here, and from this desire, became the manifested expression of non-acceptance of myself here.

If I am unnoticed...then I am unnoticed. To desire something else breeds only dissatisfaction and non-acceptance of who I am here. This is true of all desire. It is plain to see that one can never be satisfied by becoming dissatisfied with what is here. It is ridiculously obvious, yet it is rarely ever seen or understood.

If it is understood that, I am that I am, then to allow myself to exist within and as desire or dissatisfaction is truly the epitome of self-abuse.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Interesting...I sent out this email to Shauna, and I haven't a clue if it is even her email or if it is, if she even checks it. Hehehe. A year ago, I would have been in knots, waiting for a reply. But today, there is no "best" scenario. Any result is an opportunity to face myself within self-honesty of who I exist as here. I have to admit that I almost feel like jumping up and down in ecstasy because I see how little I am attached to a certain outcome. Also, I would have been hoping desparately that she wouldn't misconstrue what I had written to her. HA.

I see that within any situation, that it is all for me to face myself. This being said; I also see a trap that I have fallen into in similar situations in which I have taken for granted that I am a "greater" being now, so to relax and give myself a "break" from remaining here is something I can "treat" myself to. It is utterly ridiculous to believe in such a thing.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I wrote Shauna an email, and what came out of it was a placement of an agreement with myself that I accept myself for all that I am within self-honesty. I have had so many ideas of her as the most perfect person on earth. A commodity that one needs to trap and contain within a box of a relationship.

Perhaps continuous contact with her would facilitate myself to remain self-dishonest, which is unacceptable. I see that anything and everything supports me to stand as the self-honest expression of myself here. What she chooses is of no relevance to who I am here. How I had come to place an agreement in front of her was but myself expressing myself here as all that I exist as here. Whether or not she is willing to assist herself as the self-honest expression of herself as all as one as equal is largely an unknown, and yet another opportunity to prove to myself that I am able to trust in self here unconditionally.

I have been gone for so long, and I welcome myself to remain here. Thoughts of future outcomes are not welcome here. I am here. It is nice to be here within acceptance of all that I am here.
From this point of searching out acceptance in which I have based my entire life upon, I have created myself to become the manifested expression of non-acceptance of myself. Any time I have accomplished what I had sought, I have not gotten any more acceptance than when I had started, because when I had reached a point that I had believed would finally gain the acceptance that I so desparately desired, it was still nowhere within myself. I was already the manifested expression of non-acceptance of self here. Thus any exterior acceptance still did not exist within and as myself.

This is a major point to realise. It is the origin of who I have become and is key to remaining within acceptance of who I am here. I have pursued "perfection" in every aspect of my life so that the world would apparently have no choice but to accept me as I am; and the world has accepted me as who I am, which has been as the manifested expression of non-acceptance. All because I have begun the search in the first place, which only implies that that in which I have searched out does not exist here.
I find that my placement within this world is that of the extremely ordinary. This has sent me on mission after mission to prove to the world that I am anything but ordinary. As a small child, I had little interest in what my peers thought of me, but adults' opinion of me, I held in highest regard. From adults, I got praise for the things I did, but from children my age, I was hardly ever noticed. It was from authourity figures that I sought acceptance, because I was able to stand out as something "special".
This desire to be "special" has held my attention, maybe more than any other one thing within this lifetime. From within this starting point I have built my personality as it exists today. This personality is dependent upon others' acceptance of me. I have not realised that, I have searched and searched outside myself for acceptance that does not exist, because it has not existed within. Acceptance is not something that is gained, as I had believed. Acceptance IS.

Monday, December 1, 2008

I have existed as the mind, constantly watching myself from a mind's perspective; judging my every move in order to keep tabs on who I exist as. I have not realised that consulting the mind to explain to me who I am is but a reflection of who I actually am. It is a distorted view, tainted by the beliefs that I have allowed to be constructed within and as myself. From within this I create myself to be self-judgment, and self-acceptance is never realised. What has been accepted is self-judgment and what I have defined from within the mind as acceptable. I have not allowed self to participate here, because I have had no self-trust and I have not been aware that self even exists. Ideas have replaced self, and it is ideas that have been the director of my existence. "I" has not existed here. It is because the mind has been involved in every aspect of my being, and I have believed that I am exclusively the mind, and the possibilities I have allowed are all within the limitations of the mind's constructs and beliefs.

Reading Osho's words, I have realised that beautiful words are used to conceal the true nature of self. I have used the same strategy in being "nice". It is nothing but a mask of my true nature, in the same way that people display themselves to be "mean" to disguise the nature of themselves and present a tough exterior so that nobody goes past the exterior. This is all done out of fear of revealing who one really is.