Wednesday, June 17, 2009

It is important for me to realize that I am already here. This is the time and place, and I live here and shall remain here. I cannot remain here by believing that there is a better time or place than here. What is here is all that exists and all that will ever exist. I take what is here as myself with complete acceptance of it, and do not participate in definitions and judgments of it.
I see that that in which I am experiencing is a fact of who I am here. So it is not to wish that away, or attempt to rid myself of it, because it cannot be changed by wishing it gone or trying to get away from it, because it is simply me.
What I experience is a testament of that in which I participate, and all will be revealed when I see what is actually here as myself. An absolute acceptance of who I am here is awareness of that in which I participate. If I am here, and I am aware of myself here, then I can direct myself here, and not be directed.
It is unnecessary that I strive to uncover more of me, because I am already uncovered and apparent as who and what I experience myself to be. I am already here, and nothing is hidden, but only revealed in seeing what I see. Self-honesty. Me. Simply me here. A fact. A fact that is revealed. I see what I see, not what I want to look at. If I do not see, then that is a simple fact of my awareness. Looking is not seeing, searching is not finding. Only facts are permitted here, not interpretation.
It is me here, and there is nothing to fear; no reason to fear me.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Writing here only because I don't really want to, also to uncover something that I may be missing. From this point I see that I still want something more than what is here, because here there is nothing in which the mind can participate, and the mind wants to be activated so that it can continue existing. The mind always wants more.
Because I have not accepted that I am who I am here, and because there exists a belief that I can be more than me here, an anxiousness or longing to become something more is created from that belief. It is a point that is imperative for me to transcend; and the only way for me to realize that I do not have to be controlled by that desire to become something more is to be faced with such a scenario. So, for the last few days, I have experienced an anxiousness, which shows me how I have allowed that anxiousness to move me toward an imaginary 'more' than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience myself as anxiousness because I have believed that there can be something more to me that who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to an idea of what I should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea to direct me, instead of accepting and embracing myself as the existence that I have created for myself.

This is a perplexing point, because I know that it is not necessary for me to exist like this any longer than it takes to prove to myself that I don't have to exist like this. But until I walk through that point, I will not have proven it to myself. So this is why anxiousness rears its head, because it is a fact that I have not yet proven that to myself.

It is necessary for me to face every point of self-dishonesty, in fact, so that I can be certain that there is nothing that can influence me to move from myself here. Until I am absolutely stable here, will anything ever change. But because I have knowledge or a concept of that scenario existing, I have found myself trying to achieve that. I have not lived here, because I have believed that there is a 'there', just out of reach. I have believed that I will somehow be different, but for me to be 'different' implies comparison, which requires a definition of self as lifeless; limited to only that which I have defined as me. In this, there is no flowing of life, but only stagnation and infinite lifelessness.
I have not understood that I am here unconditionally, already, and that it is here that I stand eternally. It is here in this instant that I stand here, and 'there', "when I finally stand", does not exist. It is here, always here. Unconditionally here, eternally here, this moment here, and that is all that exists.
I have wanted the bombardment of the mind to stop, but it is completely irrelevant to me here, if or when it stops existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relish a day when the mind finally stops, because I have defined such an existence as greater than here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that acceptance of self will occur 'then and there', in an imaginary existence, and in so doing, have disregarded here altogether.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted that the mind exists here as myself; that I exist as the mind, because the mind exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself here as the mind that I exist as here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to run from who I exist as here, as the mind as myself as I exist here.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Talked to my brother, Forrest, today. We are realizing the same things about ourselves, and how we have created our situations. It was surprising to me that he actually sees some of the same points that I have tried to explain to him earlier. However, when I tried to explain things to him before, I was explaining a concept and wasn't expressing who I was, per se, but instead trying to convince him that I was correct, or more correct than he. Points such as being goal oriented versus being self, here.

Our language differs when expressing what we mean. For instance, he uses the word 'happiness', which I tend to have an aversion to using that word to describe living here as this moment in complete acceptance of self here. 'Enjoyment' could possibly be the word that would facilitate our communication.

On the point about being goal oriented, we were also challenged in finding an appropriate expression to describe the alternative to being goal oriented and not participating in an idea of an agenda, but rather just being self here. What we were both trying to identify was that the goal is not necessarily a goal, but that certain circumstances are inevitable if self is trusted as self here.
In other words, if one is to take this moment and live here, then the things that were previously goals are forsaken, and what is here ends up including everything. Because it is realized that that in which has been sought is dependent upon an idea of satisfaction or happiness, and is conditional upon how closely it matches the idea of the 'correct outcome' of the goal in mind. So in this, one finds himself lacking nothing, and each moment is an all included welcome surprise. This enables one to enjoy each moment as it exists here, not limited by the parameters that one had previously viewed as an undesirable or desirable circumstance.

Because the circumstance cannot be controlled, nor can it be measured or defined without fragmenting self and reality.

Awareness is self here, and self is not 'known' quantifiably, but is trusted that self remains here unconditionally, not limited by an idea of what self is or should be, or by what is supposed to happen, or what should or shouldn't happen. The circumstance is simply accepted as self here, and it is from here that self directs self to remain self. In this, there is not a trying to become or to remain self, because self is already self here. Trying to become or remain what self is already, is and has been the birth of myself as fear.

Here is where self-forgiveness and self-honesty is imperative. Because when it is realized, in self-honesty, that one is participating in and as an illusion, image, or definition; that moment is the opportunity to forgive self for involvement in self-deception and to stop participating. This is remaining here unconditionally, undefined. Self allowing self to actually live.