Writing here only because I don't really want to, also to uncover something that I may be missing. From this point I see that I still want something more than what is here, because here there is nothing in which the mind can participate, and the mind wants to be activated so that it can continue existing. The mind always wants more.
Because I have not accepted that I am who I am here, and because there exists a belief that I can be more than me here, an anxiousness or longing to become something more is created from that belief. It is a point that is imperative for me to transcend; and the only way for me to realize that I do not have to be controlled by that desire to become something more is to be faced with such a scenario. So, for the last few days, I have experienced an anxiousness, which shows me how I have allowed that anxiousness to move me toward an imaginary 'more' than me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience myself as anxiousness because I have believed that there can be something more to me that who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to an idea of what I should be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea to direct me, instead of accepting and embracing myself as the existence that I have created for myself.
This is a perplexing point, because I know that it is not necessary for me to exist like this any longer than it takes to prove to myself that I don't have to exist like this. But until I walk through that point, I will not have proven it to myself. So this is why anxiousness rears its head, because it is a fact that I have not yet proven that to myself.
It is necessary for me to face every point of self-dishonesty, in fact, so that I can be certain that there is nothing that can influence me to move from myself here. Until I am absolutely stable here, will anything ever change. But because I have knowledge or a concept of that scenario existing, I have found myself trying to achieve that. I have not lived here, because I have believed that there is a 'there', just out of reach. I have believed that I will somehow be different, but for me to be 'different' implies comparison, which requires a definition of self as lifeless; limited to only that which I have defined as me. In this, there is no flowing of life, but only stagnation and infinite lifelessness.
I have not understood that I am here unconditionally, already, and that it is here that I stand eternally. It is here in this instant that I stand here, and 'there', "when I finally stand", does not exist. It is here, always here. Unconditionally here, eternally here, this moment here, and that is all that exists.
I have wanted the bombardment of the mind to stop, but it is completely irrelevant to me here, if or when it stops existing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relish a day when the mind finally stops, because I have defined such an existence as greater than here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that acceptance of self will occur 'then and there', in an imaginary existence, and in so doing, have disregarded here altogether.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted that the mind exists here as myself; that I exist as the mind, because the mind exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself here as the mind that I exist as here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to run from who I exist as here, as the mind as myself as I exist here.