Tuesday, July 29, 2008

So some forum members' parents have started applying and investigating the desteni website. I was very surprised to hear this. It stems from my own expectaion of what will happen in my life with my family. I have believed that the chances of any of them doing anything besides trying to hang on to their belief systems has been highly unlikely. I have geared up and "forseen" or projected my expectations of how they will act based on my knowledge of who I have defined them as. Judging people from an image that I have allowed myself to accept as who they are. I have carried an image of everybody that I have come in contact with. The more history that I have as "knowing" someone, the more their image has burned into my consciousness as "who they are". It is this accepted image of who I have believed them to be, that I have continued to limit myself to the parameters or defintions that I have placed as them upon them. Allowing only a set of rules that I have established for us to follow as a relationship in which we have silently agreed that we will stay within a predetermined boundary or familiar conditions of who we believe each other to be.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this world and the people within it as limited to what the mind believes is possible.

I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to continually calculate probability equations of what may or may not happen; and base my actions upon this prediction that I had believed to have been the probable outcomes of an event.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to unconsciously limit or create the circumstance by allowing and accepting myself to expect a certain outcome instead of just being here.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I have accepted myself as being worried or concerned that if i say things as i see them, that i might be judged as being a nitpicking know it all. So I have only spoken when I "feel" I am "correct". And just in case I'm not "correct" I have had tendencies toward limiting the expression of who I am by omitting the honest expression of who i am by silence. This way, I have felt that I can always be right and that nobody can say that i am full of shit. This is how i have suppressed the self honest expression of who i am. This all stems from a fear of not being accepted as who i am.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to allow myself to, within and as the mind, fear judgement of who I am by attempting to "cover all bases" so that i can always explain my actions as being "correct".

This is not self honesty, but self deception. Nothing but limiting myself to "acceptable" statements that cannot be disputed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear disputes.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to suppress myself out of fear of disputes.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that any disputes that exist, exist as the mind, as all that I have allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings questioning of my intentions.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear being not liked by everybody.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as here as who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to analise my moves or actions and judge myself from and as a mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit myself to "correctness".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being incorrect.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit and define me as correct or incorrect.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry about others perception of me as being less than.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge and limit myself to definitions of more than or less than me.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am all that exists, and that which exists within manifests within and as this existence as myself.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Possibly a redundant theme is that I am what I am. Ideas that emerge as something greater than who exists as me, here, separate me from who I am here. If these ideas are entertained, and attempts are made at becoming this greater being. I remain a slave to this idea of some higher self, an awakened self. Truly the only awakening is when I remain here as I am in complete acceptance of who I am. Not in becoming anything...only remaining here. For how is it possible for one to ever remain as oneself by practicing and engaging in a search of some sort? It is the idea that I must somehow transcend all of my "shortcomings" that plagues me. Because I don't feel any different or have any great "truths" to communicate, I am told by my perceived self that I haven't "made it".
It is here that life is. Yet my perceived self, or the mind, moves to analyze my "level" of awareness in an attempt to remain existing. A continuous struggle is what fuels the mind. Without a struggle or conflict within, the mind cannot exist. The mind cannot be still. It is movement from who I am here, that has kept the mind existing. All attempts at understanding myself into greater detail, or trying to find some basis to explain or define myself is all the mind. To remember some golden rule or something to base my entire existence upon. It is the mind's way of becoming stable. If this stability is shaken or removed, the mind immediately seeks another point of stability. Grasping for anything in which to continue working as definitions and rationalisations. It is the mind that panics when nothing makes sense. It is the mind that believes itself to be close or far from complete understanding. This all to continue to the quest for existing. No movement equals no mind. It is remaining here that the mind cannot conceive. It is remaining here that removes the mind from existence. No longer a reflection of self exists, only self. Gaining anything can only be of the mind, as all that exists is here as self. There is no "close", only here.
The mind presents itself as me...for if I believe myself to be the mind, surely I will not destroy what I believe to be myself. So it is this partcipation in the mind's presentation of who I am as myself that has kept it existing as who I have believed myself to be. Yet this struggle is all for nought, for only I can exist infinitely here. The mind will succumb to the nature of who I am.
The mind cannot exist infinitely, as the mind is conditional to movement. To stop the mind removes it from existence, which is inevitable. Whether I choose to do it by no longer participating within and as the mind here or I continue living within and as the mind until it no longer exists and I have no choice but to face myself here. It is done either way.

So I have found myself to be existing as the mind, to find more that I can do to further my process. More self forgiveness or more than remaining here. It confuses the mind to search for nothing. To remain here makes no sense. To be here. No concept. Remaining here within each breath. It's not in diligently remaining breath, as this implies that it is somehow something that must be strived for. It is in letting go of all that one feels or thinks that he must do in order to become something or some way of being. It is in being. Being all that one is and has accepted oneself to become within self forgiveness. To face self as self within self honesty. To see oneself as all that one has believed self to be within self honesty and self forgiveness, here. It is in remaining here that one can realise self trust, as the mind dissolves into non existence, and only self remains.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I have realised that I fear not existing as who I have believed myself to be. I was faced with this fear of existence being swallowed as what I have defined as existence. I fought to stay attached to this existence that I have believed to be the end all, as defined by the mind. I was relieved to find out that I was not swallowed into the void that I had believed was a void in which I could not exist. I have defined myself as finite, as having a begininning and an end, and I have formed my entire being around this idea of limitation. I fought to make sense of something in relation to knowledge of the past. I have allowed myself to become enslaved by such definitons of what I have allowed myself to believe as concrete ideas and realities. Do I dare face this again, or is it my desire to realise some higher truth that I allow to direct me in this process? I have not yet let go of who I have believed myself to be. As there are many definitions that I hold onto to apparently keep me grounded. To not lose myself. Which is a certainty that I have defined myself as something that can be defined, either finite or infinite, it is still just a concept of the mind, a reason of rationality that originates from a point of knowledge. Which is nothing short of utter limitation and enslavement to a creation that I have decided is real, and I have so chosen to live my life according to the rules of this creation and the belief system within it. I have chosen to live as the mind, as a belief of reality.
It is the fear of losing the things that I have experienced to be desrieable that has kept me bound. The fear of the unknown, the fear of finding out the truth of myself. I have defined myself and have grown to be attached to that in which I have defined myself to be. It is the fear of actually seeing me as something different than what I have defined as me that has kept me from the actual me. The fear that I wil be disappointed or the fear that I will not like what i see. So instead I have hung on to this image of "me" because I have judged it as acceptable and fear what I might see if I actually see me. So I have chosen not to see me. I have turned away out of fear of myself.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

To remain aware of each breath taken here. This is a wonderful tool to remain here empty of thoughts. The in breath is taken in full awareness of the in breath until the out breath is required. Then it is to remain aware of the outbreath until it is completely finished. This is crucial for me to understand. As this maybe the only thing that will get me through the toughest of moments when all things seem overwhelming. To remain here as breath brings focus here as myself. The only stable thing left in this world when it all turns to shit. So to practice remaining here as the breath will develop my awareness of myself as stability, no matter what the circumstance. 21 days days awareness of each breath taken one breath at a time, moment to moment. Breath to breath. Self freedom to move as myself in complete awareness of myself in every moment. From this moment I breathe, here.