Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am not quite sure how it started, but there is an underlying guilt reaction that I have associated with enjoying physical touch. A system within me that does not allow me to experience the enjoyment of feeling within this body. It has something to do with sexual expression and how I have associated sex with feeling. When I have been touched in a way that the body agrees with, my mind says "no, do not allow yourself to enjoy this moment." I have believed somehow that I do not deserve this or that I am not worthy of experiencing human touch, or even the touch or feel of my own body. Even enjoyment in general, I have had much aversion to expressing enjoyment to anybody. Interesting. Even the word "touch", I have even had an aversion about uttering the word touch, when referring to the human body. Come to think of it the word "body" is linked to the word "touch" in a similar fashion.

Somehow, I have associated the enjoyment of feeling or touch with perversion. Utterly fascinating! It stems from a belief that if I were to express that I enjoyed a particular way of being touched, then that would somehow, according to the world, mean that I was perverted, or be a lesser being if it were to be known. I have been so careful to hide any hint that I might enjoy touch in any way, especially when it involved a family member. It has something to do with vulnerability, and allowing myself to express vulnerability in any way. I have associated vulnerability with weakness, just as I have done with tenderness and gentleness. Enjoyment, in general, I have associated with weakness. Expressing uncensored enjoyment in any form has been considered taboo to me. Also certain ways of moving my body; I have limited myself to only those movements that are "strong". Anything that might considered "graceful", by anyone has also been avoided. Only "strong" and bold movement have I allowed to be expressed. Nothing vulnerable ever. I am flabbergasted!

Also, I have gone about hiding pain in the same way. I have very deliberately covered my body's expression in any way that I have defined as a sign of weakness. Oh man, what a mess I have created. No wonder I have found ways to express myself in secret. I have not allowed myself to accept myself as the self-honest expression of myself as who I am. In each scenario, I have meticulously censored out that in which I have believed is not a strong enough expression, or intimidating enough or powerful enough, or mature enough or masculine enough. I have not believed that I am enough of anything, so I have covered up, in every way that I could think of to cover my insecurities or dislikes about myself, and have spent enormous amounts of energy, proving to the world that which I have defined as myself to not be true.

I have wanted for others to believe that I am a perfect specimen, even though I could not believe it myself. I have known the truth of myself, yet I have done extensive work to cover up any aspect where I thought that I was inadequate. In everything that I have done, I have followed the most "natural path" or the path of least resistance to prove that the image that I wished to portray was recognized as the truth by the world.

I have known that I enjoy being touched, and I have known that I have covered my true expression with the image of how it was that I wanted to be perceived by others. Goddamn, it has been my physical expression that I have hidden from, the real me. This being here, this expression here is what I have been all along. Not what I thought I should or shouldn't be, only what I have been. And there is the voice inside that says to me, "you can't just be you, what would they think? What might come out if you do not constantly monitor each expression, then the truth of yourself may be exposed, and that is unacceptable."

Whoa, now this is some extensive shit, connected to every point within me. The extent that I can forgive myself is so far reaching, within every aspect of who I have become. That puts a new perspective on things. Hehehe. Extensive, yet simple. The physical. Me as this expression here. How could I have been so blind to that which has been here all along. Not what my mind says, but who I am here. Not an interpretation, what is here for all to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I might forget who I am. Who I am is who I am here. This physical being here. I only need to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind in an effort to "make sure" that I am "correct" that I am here. To "make sure" that I have not missed something.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as this physical being here within each and every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must hang onto the realizations that I have had, lest I lose sight of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my understanding of the world and myself represents reality more accurately than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I will go back into my mind and forget all about my physicality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I may be just reiterating things that I have heard from Desteni, and have doubted that I am actually expressing myself, and instead have only memorized "correct" phrases, and that I really am just repeating what I have heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder where I must go and what I must do now to remain within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others according to how much one understands, according to how I have perceived myself and others' understanding. Huh?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone reading this will think or show me that I am full of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider how I will be judged and base my worth upon that perceived judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing that I actually enjoy others' responses because I have feared being seen as someone that needs feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to not give a shit whether or not someone reads or responds to my posts, because I have wanted to appear "strong" or self-motivated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as according to how I have defined myself, and not just seeing me for who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure that people stay far enough away so that there is little or no danger of being rejected or criticized for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious about ridding myself of my mind. I am here, I express myself here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have an aversion to using the word "here" because I have feared that if I would be "incorrect" in stating that I am here, then it would look like I am full of shit, and then people would just write me off as someone who is mostly just full of shit.

Goddamn, fear of rejection is extensive. I have judged myself as unacceptable, and who I am has been hidden. I have rejected myself, and instead have created an image so that I could be accepted as an image instead of myself. My mind fears rejection, because it has rejected me, and it does not want to be rejected and exposed as the illusion that it is. So it does everything to make itself real through its existence through me as me. It has been me, I have wanted to believe that the image could be made real, because I have thought that just myself is not grand enough. I have thought of myself as too ordinary, too repulsive, too inadequate and have followed the promise of the mind that I could one day be everything that my mind had planned for me to become. From this starting point, I have been chasing rainbows, never here, always looking to validate myself in my search for glory. In this I have become the definition of self-rejection, always chasing something more than myself. Incroyable! I forgive that I have allowed myself to suppress myself because I believed that I have to be more. I allow me to be me. Just me. I thank myself that I have allowed myself to just be me. No judgments. Me. Here, this being here. Into me I see. What do I see? ME. okay.

I just breathe here for now.

Monday, September 28, 2009

When the utmost tragic occurs, in some, what is often brought to the surface is an unconditional giving of oneself, more often than when survival is not at stake. That is what I see anyways, whether this is true, or if it is only my perception is not truly known by me, but what this implies is that the bulk of humanity will not care for each and every being within existence unless the situation becomes so dire and a selflessness is allowed to show from within. In situations such as natural disasters, it is suddenly deemed as acceptable to give all of oneself.

What are some of the reasons that we require a tragedy in order to let ourselves emerge? For one, image is less likely to be allowed within self. The current circumstance becomes the most pressing issue, and instead of an underlying agenda, we realize that in lieu of seeing more suffering, we are suddenly willing to do whatever that is required of us to involve ourselves in whatever way that we can assist in seeing that the suffering be as minimal as possible. In such times, it becomes apparent that we could not possibly face ourselves if we do anything less than what we can.

We are currently in the midst of a tragedy, yet most of us are content to remain unaware of the tragic circumstances in which we live. So instead of offering our support to another, we hold on to our small piece of comfort, and wait for someone else to take responsibility for what we are faced with. We turn away and pretend not to see, because our own comfort is too important to risk losing. We understand that it would take our complete dedication to all beings, and being the self-interested beings that we have become, we are not willing to forsake that in which we believe is our salvation, for another being, lest we lose that in which we believe we must cling.

But if truth be known, in such actions, we have already forsaken ourselves, for something that is only a shadow of who we really are, which is existence entirely, one and equal. We hide from ourselves that we are selfish, and justify our way of life, by reasoning that we have to look out for number ONE, first and foremost. We allow ourselves to remain unaware that we are allowing self-interest to reign supreme within this existence by allowing it to exist within and as ourselves, and through us, selfishness is expressed as ourselves unto the world. Thus through our participation in selfishness, we allow the destruction and suffering of the world and ourselves to continue as the the expression of selfishness as ourselves.

It quite simple, that which is allowed within self is allowed to exist within this world as ourselves. We all have to do our part. It is up to each and everyone of us to stand for all life equally, to not allow self-interest to exist within and as self. The alternative is complete separation of us all, for as long as any self-interest is permitted to remain existing, we will only be able to exist as the separation that we have allowed to exist.

I realize that I am of a handful of beings on earth that realize what has to be done. This does not make me special, but understanding that each of us contribute to this reality by what is allowed to remain existing within each being ; it is my responsibility to end all self-interest within me. Knowing and merely talking about what has to be done is a far cry from actually doing it. The belief structure that we are all separate from one another still exists within and as me, and it is upheld and fed through the thoughts that are allowed. Still, this is only knowledge that I have acquired, and is not something I have yet proven to myself. There is a belief that maybe I have not explored all facets of the mind, and that maybe I should explore further, before I speak of 'hand me down' knowledge. This is one reason that I have not yet stopped all participation within the mind. I have assumed that my beliefs have been true, and in that assumption, I seek to prove my assumption to be true. It is a program existent within me, and it will continue as long as I allow that program to run. In each allowance of it, I allow further exploitation of the mind's agenda.

Are all thoughts self-interest? That is the question that I have not answered for myself. I am told that they are, yet I do not know this for a fact. I can know however, by simply being aware of the starting point of each thought that bides for my participation. I have not really questioned the thoughts that emerge, and the origin of them or their underlying motive. In being self-honest as I am faced with each thought, I can prove to myself the nature of each thought and whether or not there is merit to any thought and if any thought is worth considering. I have not been willing to put each thought to the test; and have been scared to investigate further, for fear of participating within a thought. This fear is invalid, not only because if a thought is within me, then it is me, but also because thoughts do not control me without my permission for them to control me. So here I stand to expose each thought, and the actual motive that lies within. Testing in progress...Results pending...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I can't wish myself away from here, and that illusion has been my primary motivation within each moment. Seeing all that I have allowed of myself rushing to the fore front urges me to run and take cover. It can be downright discouraging to see it all while knowing that I have no other choice. It is what I have allowed, and I have to face up. The pain that I have ignored, and looked instead toward a promise of a greater existence, that I may be distracted from the reality that I have been the cause of my own suffering, because I have been steadily removing myself from existence, and the consequence has been the pain that I experience within myself and within the world, likewise.

One thing at a time, one step at a time, dealing with what is here. It is within this context, and not and end result, that I may remain here. I have had a hard time swallowing that pill, because I have so long consulted with my imaginations of somewhere beyond here, at the end of the rainbow. Although, that can be known, it is a mere theory to me at this point because I have not proved it in any way within this physical reality. There is only one way to do that, and that is to remain here within this physical reality. I have continually allowed myself to be whisked away into an imaginary reality within the mind, because I have deemed it too difficult to remain here, and face what is here within this physical reality.

Accepting that this is the only reality is a contradiction to all that I have believed, and coaxes me to an "easier" path. A path that disregards the present reality so that I may be comforted by false hopes and promises that do not exist anywhere, except for within the delusion of mind. What an unfortunate prospect it is to undertake the anxiety that is manifested within, by dreaming about a day that I will finally reach the top of a mountain, and all the while missing every moment that I am here, to instead place value on an idea that my existence will somehow be of greater worth when I arrive at a particular destination. In the meantime, my existence here is of no concern or of any worth, because I have thrown each moment away as if it is to be stomped upon for no other purpose than to get somewhere else. Such a tragic comedy this pursuit of everlasting peace has created!

I detect a resistance within me regarding direct assistance of others to support me. I have already seen, within me, a tendency to becoming dependent upon communication with another being, in that I would rather struggle along with another's encouragement instead of standing alone and realizing that which I already know about myself. I already know what has to be done, and that because I understand that I must stand absolutely here under all circumstances, and I wish for "one last time" that I may indulge in what I have done for my entire life.

It is the very same thing that I identified earlier within myself, which is wishing myself away from here into another existence within the grandeur of the oh so extravagant mind. Persistence does not adequately describe the absoluteness of standing here. It all appears to be a menacingly enormous task, because I have not stood here, and have instead seen it within the definitions that I have had of a duration and as many separate events as viewed through a scope of time. Separate events is how I have come to define the world and myself. It is as simple as remaining here, yet I haven't shaken the idea of a linear existence, and I have chosen to instead look at my "progress" in relation to how much time has elapsed, and how many events have taken place. Comparing and judging myself in relation to how far I have come, and how far I think I have to go.

Hehehe. It all seems so ridiculously obvious that there is only one moment here, and that this is the only reality. But not yet can I be trusted with life, because I have so far proven that I run away and hide from what is truly here, so that I may catch a glimpse of what is elsewhere in a fairy tale of self-definitions and self-analyzing and self-judgments. HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE!

If by my actions and beliefs, I imply that there is something beyond, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be anywhere but here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this existence as a series of separated events, instead of realizing that I am here. I am here. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the difficulty level of future moments to come, thereby losing awareness that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern that, things are easier or more difficult in relation to an event that does not exist except within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a future event where it will all be "better".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief and thought pattern that there is some sort of conclusion that is the epitome of existence, above and beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am getting somewhere now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief of finality. That one day soon if I play my cards right I will be finally at peace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to define and judge my existence here, rather than just be here, this moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this moment is implied eternally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern: "I hope I make it this time" which only implies that there is a destination over there somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander self-direction because I have not allowed myself to trust that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "make sure" I am not fooling myself by consulting the mind that compares myself in relation to the past or future projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look "beyond" here.

I live here. I live here. I live here. Here. Here. Here. Breathe. Breathe. Here I am. I am here. Her I am. Breathe. Here I am.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Within expressing self-honestly and how we delude ourselves with dishonest behavior, it may be seen as ideology, and in defense of allowing oneself to remain a dishonest system, will be seen as an impossibility, not because it is impossible, but to give an excuse to why a person is justified in continuing within and as the abuse that is participated in within their lifestyle. Statements such as, "nobody's perfect", is a prime example of justification of what one is currently participating in and as.

It is comforting to think that one is currently living as one should, according to how a holy book says one should live. That belief removes any possibility that a person will see the consequences of their behavior. The belief that a person is who they tell themselves they are, is self-deception defined, because within that definition, a person hides their self from themselves, and chooses to look at their definition and not who they are here. It is tragic that the bulk of humanity currently lives this way, and are not willing to see themselves for who they are out of fear of what they will realize. Every method to protect themselves from exposure to the truth of themselves and the world is employed. Logic and reason is used to create an illusion that they are who they say they are. While in fact, they are nothing but a system of justifications and excuses.

This defense mechanism is so ingrained within individuals, that it is hard to imagine that we will be equal as one in all ways for many years to come. However, if it is true that we have been placed within a bubble, built out of the abuse that we unleash upon ourselves, that this process will be compressed into a few decades. As far as I can see, we will have to experience a living hell within ourselves, and become aware that it has been us that has been responsible for the widespread suffering all along, before anyone really stands and says no more do I allow this abuse within myself to exist.

It is quite ironic that I welcome the hell on earth that will manifest in the years to come. It has been a little difficult to watch people's self-deception and the suffering that it causes, yet I know that this will be necessary for most people before they decide to stop all self-interested behavior. I have often felt guilty about rejoicing in seeing people's lives come crashing down around them, and did not understand why I felt this way. But, now I see. It is not because I wish to see suffering, but because I know that it will take losing everything, before most will decide that enough is enough. Yet, for some, they will cling to their beliefs until the bitter end, when there is absolutely no other option available.

My problem within this has been an anxiousness to see it all unfold. That also is not acceptable, because within that I live for a future event, and toss 'here' out the window, as if it is yesterday's garbage. That is participating in self-abuse and taking self here for granted, exactly the same as what I have just identified within other people. I have not much room to talk, for I have not yet stood myself. It is inevitable, that I will stand, yet it is me that will determine how and when that will be. I can stand. I can remain here. I know it. I only have to prove it to myself within each moment here, within self-honesty and self-forgiveness.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Seeing the many different ways that people delude themselves can send me off into my mind if I allow that to happen. If I allow that to happen, then I become unaware of what it is that I am doing, and all that I am participating in. The need or desire for people to see how they are deceiving themselves is yet another way that I can be distracted from myself, and instead look toward a construct of the mind as a situation that exists only within my mind, that I have defined as better than here.

I've been totally shielded from self-awareness, because of such pipe dreams. Because within this anticipation of a better world, an anxiousness is allowed to emerge from within, and I become enamored with an idea, and lose sight of what exists here as myself. Certainly, this applies to myself, also, in that I anticipate a better me, and try to bring about this ideological being into existence. Yet, within chasing this imagined better self, that is completely and entirely self-honest, I immediately become a being of wanting, which only proves to remove me from realizing the being which remains here within self-honesty. To be self requires nothing. This simple realization eludes me only because I continue to search for what is already here.

I have believed that my thoughts are reality, and that to let go of my involvement in the thought patterns that emerge, that I will have no reference, nor any way of knowing myself. It is critical to let go of thoughts. However, the letting go is effortless, it is who I am already. This has been the most difficult thing to realize. I have not allowed self to be self alone. Instead, I have attached self to purposes and definitions, because I thought that that would get me closer to the truth. It has only complicated and added baggage that I have believed that I needed to lug around, lest I lose myself. Letting go of everything that can be lost, and self remains eternally. If I cling to anything, it implies that it can be lost, and thus it is only temporary. That which cannot be lost is self, absolutely, unconditionally.