I can't wish myself away from here, and that illusion has been my primary motivation within each moment. Seeing all that I have allowed of myself rushing to the fore front urges me to run and take cover. It can be downright discouraging to see it all while knowing that I have no other choice. It is what I have allowed, and I have to face up. The pain that I have ignored, and looked instead toward a promise of a greater existence, that I may be distracted from the reality that I have been the cause of my own suffering, because I have been steadily removing myself from existence, and the consequence has been the pain that I experience within myself and within the world, likewise.
One thing at a time, one step at a time, dealing with what is here. It is within this context, and not and end result, that I may remain here. I have had a hard time swallowing that pill, because I have so long consulted with my imaginations of somewhere beyond here, at the end of the rainbow. Although, that can be known, it is a mere theory to me at this point because I have not proved it in any way within this physical reality. There is only one way to do that, and that is to remain here within this physical reality. I have continually allowed myself to be whisked away into an imaginary reality within the mind, because I have deemed it too difficult to remain here, and face what is here within this physical reality.
Accepting that this is the only reality is a contradiction to all that I have believed, and coaxes me to an "easier" path. A path that disregards the present reality so that I may be comforted by false hopes and promises that do not exist anywhere, except for within the delusion of mind. What an unfortunate prospect it is to undertake the anxiety that is manifested within, by dreaming about a day that I will finally reach the top of a mountain, and all the while missing every moment that I am here, to instead place value on an idea that my existence will somehow be of greater worth when I arrive at a particular destination. In the meantime, my existence here is of no concern or of any worth, because I have thrown each moment away as if it is to be stomped upon for no other purpose than to get somewhere else. Such a tragic comedy this pursuit of everlasting peace has created!
I detect a resistance within me regarding direct assistance of others to support me. I have already seen, within me, a tendency to becoming dependent upon communication with another being, in that I would rather struggle along with another's encouragement instead of standing alone and realizing that which I already know about myself. I already know what has to be done, and that because I understand that I must stand absolutely here under all circumstances, and I wish for "one last time" that I may indulge in what I have done for my entire life.
It is the very same thing that I identified earlier within myself, which is wishing myself away from here into another existence within the grandeur of the oh so extravagant mind. Persistence does not adequately describe the absoluteness of standing here. It all appears to be a menacingly enormous task, because I have not stood here, and have instead seen it within the definitions that I have had of a duration and as many separate events as viewed through a scope of time. Separate events is how I have come to define the world and myself. It is as simple as remaining here, yet I haven't shaken the idea of a linear existence, and I have chosen to instead look at my "progress" in relation to how much time has elapsed, and how many events have taken place. Comparing and judging myself in relation to how far I have come, and how far I think I have to go.
Hehehe. It all seems so ridiculously obvious that there is only one moment here, and that this is the only reality. But not yet can I be trusted with life, because I have so far proven that I run away and hide from what is truly here, so that I may catch a glimpse of what is elsewhere in a fairy tale of self-definitions and self-analyzing and self-judgments. HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE!
If by my actions and beliefs, I imply that there is something beyond, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be anywhere but here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this existence as a series of separated events, instead of realizing that I am here. I am here. I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the difficulty level of future moments to come, thereby losing awareness that I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern that, things are easier or more difficult in relation to an event that does not exist except within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a future event where it will all be "better".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief and thought pattern that there is some sort of conclusion that is the epitome of existence, above and beyond.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am getting somewhere now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief of finality. That one day soon if I play my cards right I will be finally at peace.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to define and judge my existence here, rather than just be here, this moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this moment is implied eternally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern: "I hope I make it this time" which only implies that there is a destination over there somewhere.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander self-direction because I have not allowed myself to trust that I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "make sure" I am not fooling myself by consulting the mind that compares myself in relation to the past or future projection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look "beyond" here.
I live here. I live here. I live here. Here. Here. Here. Breathe. Breathe. Here I am. I am here. Her I am. Breathe. Here I am.