Sunday, December 20, 2009

I've working with the point of self-judgment, and in an SRA session, it was indicated that the word piousness was related to the main way that I judge myself. I looked it up, and it means diligence. I will say that achievement or the appearance of achievement has held my attention greatly.

The system functions from the starting point of proving to the world that I am worth more than I believe myself to be. Because I have been pretty convincing in my charade, and when the image that I have portrayed begins to be accepted by the world, I know that what I am being accepted as is merely what I have pretended to be, and so from this, I find myself striving to maintain the "superior" image that I have created to act as me.

The pressure I put on myself to achieve exists because I know that who I am does not match the 'diligent' image construct that I have pretended to be. So, hiding the incongruency of my image when compared to that of who I actually am, or who I believe myself to be, has been a priority for me. This also reveals some of the reason that I have bounced around so much in my activities, which is because within a given activity, I have wished to display the illusion of diligence. So when I have been confident that my diligent image is secure, then that is when I have moved onto creating the next illusion.

The word pious, after reading more on the definition, is associated with religion. A devoutness or dutiful.

Who am I primarily concerned with appearing pious?

Desteni? No

Family? Yes

Is there a particular member of the family that is the primary intended recipient of my projected image? YES

Mother? YES

It is really a clever little system. I have believed that I could place the image out there as myself, and that if I could get people to treat me as that image, that it would somehow change me into that image.
In a sense, it is somewhat true that I would become the image, because if one interacts as an image, then self is being denied, and illusion and deception are nurtured, while self lies inactive. In essence, dead or nonexistent.

From my mom, I have sensed great hopes and expectations for me to become something or someone special, and in my mind, I have fallen short of those expectations. Seeing approval on her face has been my greatest treasure. Gosh, I'm such a hurt little boy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that who I am will always fall short mom's acceptance of me as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself for so long.

I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be unacceptable, and have allowed myself to try and 'make up' for who I am by creating an image in which to be judged by.

I forgive myself that I have not even allowed myself to give myself and the world an opportunity to accept me for who I am, because I had already decided that who I am would not be enough to be accepted.

I had already defeated myself before I even began. I expose myself, all of me here. ALL OF ME.

The image is a ploy to present such a believable image of diligence, so that way I can say, "I try my very best, and I am such a good person, but the world does not recognize my 'specialness'". Subconsciously, creating situations in which I am a victim of circumstance to get sympathy. In that way, I have sought out 'hardship' so that my 'piousness' can be recognized against the contrasting situation. They call it Munchhausen Syndrome, when somebody purposely hurts himself to gain sympathy from other people.

It is the "no risk" method of success. So that if I succeed, then great, but even if I don't, then the illusion is placed there as an "alternative" success, because at least I "tried" my "hardest" against such difficult conditions. The reward is "love" and admiration from others, which I have held in highest reverence.

Since I've become more aware of this self-judgment construct, I've noticed that I've been able to 'forget' about maintaining an image, and show myself as ALL of who I am here. It's cool in a "the jig is up" kind of way. I've been lying this whole time, and it's time I show the secret that I've been hiding, which is me. Funny as it seems, I've also used "honesty" as a defense mechanism and "self-awarded" image booster.
I remember walking into Bartlett High school, after my "enlightenment" with LSD in Oregon, where I peered "honestly" into the eyes of a kid, in order to display my newly acquired confidence. To my delight, his eyes quickly avoided mine, and I could not wait to show everybody how fucking awesome my new image was.

What I have viewed as the single most influential event in my life(LSD enlightenment) has been once again, just another scheme to be loved and admired. I caught a glimpse of a shadow of equality, but the allure and importance that I had placed upon being loved and admired easily gained priority status. I knew the whole time that I was only presenting an image, and even though I thought that 'bringing out the best in everybody', was key in bringing about paradise, the fact was that I was only concerned with being recognized as one of the GREATEST who ever lived.

No more. I do not allow myself to support the existence of myself as an image. I am here to share me as who I am, for all to see.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I just did a short SRA session, and it tested that there are points of judgment linked to expression. I just tried it again, and came up with the same result. I then tested for,
1. family
It tested that self-judgment linked to expression is my primary pattern. Whether or not it actually worked, or if I was influencing the results, is unclear. But I did repeated tests and more than not, it tested that self-judgment of expression is the primary pattern.

Bruce L, told me months and months ago, that my nature has almost completely become that of judgment. I am not always aware of the many ways that I judge myself, because it has become "me", thus it seems "natural" and ordinary to judge myself.
I am aware that there is a system that monitors my behavior, to give a "value" or a measure of "success" within most anything that I do.

Almost nothing I have done, gets done without automatically measuring success of a particular action. So much so that judgment accompanies action almost always. Calculations and formulas to quantify an action. As if one moment can be considered more valuable than another.

There is a dynamic that I am currently experiencing, specifically, I find myself in exactly the same situation as so many times within this lifetime. My mind wants to know where and how I fit in, based upon some kind of hierarchy. So when I find that my 'rank' within a hierarchy does not agree with what I have defined as acceptable, I have usually either distanced myself from that particular group, or done anything necessary to be considered one of the elites.

There is a strange paradox within what I "want". On the one hand I want to be accepted as part of a group, and on the other hand, I want to do whatever the hell I please. I find that I jump back and forth between two extremes on most issues. Sometimes I want everything, and sometimes I want nothing, and I find myself wandering in between, going one direction, and then all of a sudden switching to the complete other extreme.

I've been looking for a definition of myself, and when that definition starts to get accepted as me, then that's when I begin feeling trapped in a limited definition, so I move to change and morph that definition into something that I think might attract more love and acceptance.

I experience it all as being almost there, constantly. It is like having no home, desperately seeking a home, yet at the same time fearing the limitation within being bound to a particular place. It is the same with relationships, and really every aspect of my life. So I find myself in "limbo" often, because I have placed myself there. Which, as it turns out, has been my lifelong placement and pattern. For instance, I want help, but I don't want to be an inconvenience, so often I will just keep quiet and do it myself.

So this has created a duality within me, what I "want" to express is what I fear the most, because it is truly me, and I have not wanted to subject myself to the possibility that someone may not like me or approve of me. So I have hidden me, behind a personality, so that I do not have to expose myself to judgment. I fear judgment because, I have already judged myself, and convicted myself for being me, and I have been quite convinced that if I were to expose myself, then the true me, which I have judged to be inadequate, would be revealed.

Self-judgment as less than ideal. That is what I have judged and believed myself to be. So I have compensated for my "less than" idea of myself by seeking out excellence and running from failure.

Because I have treated my thoughts as truth, I believed the truth has been that I will never be enough. It is a statement that I have made to myself, and not even been aware, because I have assumed it to be true, without question.

Because I have carried this definition with me, as myself, and have completely believed in my own definition of myself as 'less than', My life has been entirely about gaining acceptance from the world, as a personality, because I believed that who I am could never be accepted. I have "known" this for as long as I can remember, and that is exactly why I have been on a mission to create and project a personality that I believed would be more readily accepted by the world.

I have never been enough for me, and this is why I have strong tendencies toward proving myself to the world. Because I have believed myself to be unacceptable, I have tried to gain acceptance by showing the world my talents and impressing as many people as possible with my wonderful personality.
That has not gotten the results that I have been looking for, so the other extreme is to just drop out when I realize that my all of my feats of talent and all of the energy that has been "invested" in personality has gotten me no more acceptance than when I started.

It is a simple cycle of "I'll show everybody that I am valuable." and then when it seems I have failed, the statement changes to, "Everybody can go FUCK OFF!"

I accept myself here, as all that I am here. Judgment not necessary, or acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at all of the ways that I could be judged and have avoided expressing myself unconditionally, out of fear for being judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge every action of myself as a quantity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blend in to the scenery, so that I do not have to subject myself to judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can quantify myself as a 'value'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as "proving" that I have worth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself for who I am, entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself in any way. That only limits me to that in which I think I am.

The word stupid pops up, and all of the negative connotations related such as 'strange' or 'awkward'. I have always had a great fear of ever being in a situation in which I could be described as stupid, strange or awkward.

I've always felt strange around people, as if the spot light was always on me. Much of it, and probably more than I am aware of, is having an Vietnamese mother, also my dad is "strange", in that he has little or no friends. He says his only friend is Arch Hall, a friend from the service. I have wanted to separate myself from any associations to "strange". Of course, as a child I could see that my parents both considered themselves strange or out of place.

Really, after the age of about 8, I became ashamed of my parents. My mom, being a strange Vietnamese woman, and my Dad being a loner nerd. When she remarried Wayne, my step dad, I thought of him as my "cool" dad, and absolutely adored him. He was into everything that I was into, and I was into everything he was into. If ever there was a hero, there was none greater than Daddy Wayne. He liked Kung Fu, skateboarding, surfing, windsurfing, hang gliding, Budhism, rock climbing, science, art, skiing, kayaking, math, computers, sailing, building, guitar, Japanese culture, ice climbing, swimming, mechanics, travel, and on and on...

He was everything that I wanted to be, and I enjoyed every moment I got to spend with him. Then when I was about 13 or 14 he told me that they were getting divorced. That was one of the saddest moments in my life. I was really lost, and I was going to be going to a new school again. Moving schools was an often occurrence, and I dreaded being the new kid over and over.

I've always wondered what is the appropriate way to act, and I have built my personality around an idea of 'universal appropriateness'. In essence, a popularity contest, in an effort to be liked, and becoming whatever I deemed necessary to be accepted as "one of us". So really, my personality, is the best design that I have come up with to accumulate more adoring fans, and that has been the game all along.

Like experimenting with different fishing lures, and when I find the one that is catching the most fish, that is the one I would choose to fish with. My personality/personalities are selected just as a different conditions require different lures, sinkers, and leaders by a fisherman. Just a tackle box full of personality, used to attract acceptance.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

There is a sense of "value" within. This implies inequality, and means that there is a comparison/value system program that I have allowed myself to be subject to. In that, the world is and everything that is witnessed, is only seen as an event in comparison to something else. There is no innocence, in this, because one's vision is distorted by knowledge. One's attention being focused upon exactly how one "measures up" within what ever it is that is being done.
It is a constant struggle to gain the next level of worthiness, endlessly.
The startling reality is that we all know from within, what it is that we do, and whether or not it supports self to have an equal opportunity/voice within existence. Likewise, to support equality of self, directly influences existence to recognize equality of us all.

We all know, and these are our little strongholds of power that we refuse to discard, because it is what we have seen as our own little strategic advantage over the masses. We do this...

I have a real beef with religion, especially, Christianity, and I see such obvious lies that people accept as truth. What better way to keep people blinded to what is actually happening, than to say, "I am God. Things will really, really, really turn to shit just before I come back to save everybody." ? Of course, everybody will look around and say, "yup, things are getting worse, guess that means we're all gonna be saved soon. Or at least the ones that have followed God."

It is implied that we have no power over our own destiny. That it is written, and therefore, nothing can be done to improve this shit world until God decides that we've endured enough suffering and abuse, and finally save us.

There is absolutely no responsibility within that context. The goal is to be saved, yet no one told us that that is impossible to be saved. Self MUST prove to self that self is of any substance, before self will allow self to remain existing. We co-create this existence, through our acceptance of it. Because, there exist beings that are committed to equality, eventually, all that will remain will exist as an equal expression of the whole, in that equality is the accepted reality, and inequality seems just as inconceivable as equality seems today.

We have underestimated our effect upon existence, just as God has underestimated that his creation would be equal to him. We are equivalent to that in which we create or allow. The misconception has been that our creations are less than and separate from us. Just as we have not understood that we have an enormous effect upon everything being the way that it is. Because we have all agreed upon this existence as 'just the way it is', and have not wanted to examine all the many ways that we contribute to this as an accepted reality, because most certainly it would mean that one could not possibly self-honestly continue to participate in a "what's in it for me?" agenda. Perhaps a better practice would be a "what's in it for everybody?" "agenda".

We each have a mind, which is same program runs within each of us. The seeming individuality, is nothing more than different default setting according DNA and any other data that has become part of the program, such as birth place, social status, money, etc. So depending upon the data, one being will have access to resources, while another will not. Because we are obedient to the program and the unequal data therein (the mind), not surprisingly, inequality is what is expressed amongst us all.

It is not a level playing field, and has been designed that way. Those that have exclusive access, want to maintain that exclusive status, and equality does not exist within the program. It is evident within thoughts themselves. Thoughts revolve around 'value', a particular 'value' must be maintained, according to the mind. So when a certain 'value' does not equate to the perceived 'correct value', the program automatically responds by equalizing itself. This is why we find ourselves in the same situations over and over again. The "correct" value is elusive, and our search for the correct value is the core program that has not changed, only different data is plugged in, and the same program responds according to the new data. As the mind, one is limited to the structure of mind, whose core application is maintaining a definition/value of itself within this world, and therefore results in a constant stream of inequality to be distributed, because a struggle to become greater or lesser is employed within that "equalization" to achieve the 'correct value', according to one's perception of correct.

So, within that, one exists as program in a particular location. It seems as if one actually makes progress, but it is much more likely that, the scenery and location are the only thing that really changes. In reality, one just learns how to manipulate the scenery so that the program runs 'more smoothly'. Attempting to change the exterior, to suit the interior's preference. Although, it might seem as if one might be concerned with another, it is not considered that "caring" is part of the program, wherein, one does not really care about another, but only cares about following the program's instructions to "care".

If one really cared, he would investigate each and every thought and action, and the eternal consequences of what is actually being permitted to exist.

Protecting a way of life, by way of ignorance. It is an attempt at self-trickery, to justify how one is living.

I sense that I am running as a program. I experience it as having to attain completeness, so that I can finally be satisfied. Just as if I am continually updating to the latest version. Within that, I am only following instructions to fulfill a whimsical notion of what would supposedly make life more satisfying. The idea or notion that I am to begin with, unsatisfied, is at the core as to why I seek fulfillment in the first place.

There is an escapist personality that I have created as myself. Within that personality suit, I wish to remain responsible only to myself. To blaze my own trail, so to speak, or rather to challenge myself to things that I know that I can achieve, and make it real. This has given me a sense of accomplishment. But it is not really any sort of accomplishment, it is only my own obedience to a system that rewards me with a sense of accomplishment, according to how the system defines accomplishment.

It is a conglomeration of reasons that advocate why I have been doing what I have been doing. It is all so twisted and thwarted and intertwined, so it all just appears as a big tangled mess, that would take much more effort than to just allow the personality to assume directive authority.

I fear limitation, yet from that fear, is born limitation. What are some things that I fear?

1. Commitment to anything, which is tied to fear of failure. Fear of failure because I fear rejection. I fear rejection, so there is a defense mechanism that has been created. It is to remain detached, in the likely event that I will be "abandoned". There is a real fear of being let down by the world, in general. In my mind, I have been let down by many people, in many ways. So in essence, it is an attempt at eliminating the burden of hope and expectations of a relationship. Trying to disappear, so that no one has to be disappointed in each others' abuse. Because I know that we will never be able to live up to others' expectations, dropping out seems like it could be a viable solution.

While in jail, I knew that I was "protected" in that I knew that everybody knew that I was truly allowing and advocating one's best equally, and that even if we don't know individually, collectively, as a whole, we all know the truth of the other. There is a physical communication/interaction, in which reality is understood at a physical level, instantly, before it goes through a filter of a mind, and becomes merely an interpretation. We all know the truth of us all, and that is too frightening to consider as fact because it would destroy our illusory secret dwellings within the mind. It would mean that we are all exposed to each other, and that it rarely accepted as a possibility.

Also, that which is before us, because it includes everybody, seems like a "restrictive" path, in the sense that it appears to be a "straight and narrow", suppressive type of life. Although, this is not the case, it is the idea that I will no longer be able to so and so...that keeps me restricted to the system, that I have known as "me". Cycles of hyperactivity and enthusiasm coupled with a complete disinterest in existence. Because, I know that I have become a slave to the systems/personalities that I have been programmed with. So from that comes a hopelessness, and admission of self-defeat, in that I cannot maintain a "certain lifestyle", that has been born out ideas of what must be "sacrificed" or maintained.

It is almost funny that self-honesty can be seen as a sacrifice, since the only alternative is self-deception. As ridiculous as it seems, that is what we have chosen. self-deception over self-honesty because we would rather remain oblivious that we have been stabbing self in the back all along. It is all we know, and we would rather continue in our way of life, than to stop, because it is after all "who I am". How can I stop "who I am"?

This "who I am" is concerned with maintaining "who I am", and there is no realization that I am stabbing myself in the back, and if I do happen to realize that I am stabbing myself in the back, it still would not matter, because "who I am" would have no power to stop because that is apparently "who I am". Common sense would tell us that our belief/programming to stab self in the back, quite possibly, makes no sense and to stop. But within a belief system, there is a set of rules to follow, where common sense does not exist, because the belief program is running the show, and the first order is to maintain and preserve the belief that I am what I believe myself to be.

Why is it so important to believe in something? It either is or it isn't. So why such an emphasis on a belief in God in order to be saved? Belief or disbelief in God, in itself does not add or subtract to the actual existence of God. So why practice belief, if it has no effect upon reality? Belief is uncertain, because a belief may or may not be true, and no matter how irrational a belief maybe, people act according to what they believe, not what they see. We have believed that we are our beliefs. That seeing and believing are the same thing. To see a bird flying does not require one to believe that the bird can fly.
Within a belief, one has no access to reality, and belief has been substituted for reality. This way someone can live completely within a belief system in which what is taken for granted as reality, is nothing more than a fabrication. In this way, we can't even see what is going on right in front of us, because our beliefs block access to reality.

So why would God want for us to be powerless in a world of belief, where access to reality is not granted? Because God, in fact, has no power other than the power given to him, by our belief that he is almighty.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The concept of God is inherently flawed, simply because the idea of God implies that there is within existence, a measure of worth. God being the ultimate definition of greatness. Within that is an expression of 'greater than/less than'. A hierarchy of comparison MUST exist within an existence that includes a separate expression for God. This requires that one being have more importance and clout than another, which means that one being has more power over another being. This would mean that one being's will would override another being's will, according to status.

That is the current expression of existence within this world, which is the direct result of action based upon a belief that God exists as the highest of the high. Within this world, all that is expressed is rank. Within everything we can see it. Beings are not seen as what they are, but only as the rank they carry. This justifies abuse of 'lesser' beings, so that the more important, 'greater beings' can enjoy more perks at the expense of the 'lesser beings'. We all see it happening, yet our beliefs tell us that it is acceptable for 'lesser beings' to be treated a little worse because they are 'lesser' and do not deserve what the 'greater beings' deserve.

God above the rest, I mean, come on now. It's ridiculously obvious that along with the existence of God, that abuse will also exist. If there were a God, certainly he would not allow himself to remain existing as God, because he would realize that the existence of him as God creates abuse within existence. God is an impostor, just a powerless being that has gotten everybody convinced into supporting and allowing him to be God.

It would be comical if it weren't so sad that we have bought into the idea, without question and testing and common sense. Most of it is out of self-preservation, wanting to be one of the lucky ones, while the rest perish. We are made to be concerned with the potential mistreatment of ourselves for eternity, that we are unconcerned with the mistreatment of another, just as long as the abuse does not come our way. Yet, within this self-preservation, it is not realized that we are condoning abuse by turning away and ignoring the facts, because we will apparently be saved, if we just agree with God, and let him abuse as he sees fit. Fear based obedience. So nobody stands up because they're looking after their own asses to care enough about what happens to another, and within that, tacitly express abuse unto us all.

The illusion is that there is another. As if one can suffer without the whole suffering. We are commonly one physical expression. One. That is fact.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I haven't posted unconditionally because I have feared rejection, or challenge, or judgment. Because I know that I fear these things, I have "avoided", checking and double checking references and rewriting what might be misunderstood to have a different meaning than what I mean. It is all rooted is my search for love. To be loved by the world, to be praised, just as some "gods" have wanted for themselves. What a petty, meaningless desire. If I truly loved the world and myself then I would be that which supports life equally. I would be that action in fact, the walking breathing, love in action. Love is action. Not an emotion. Emotions are useless and self-serving non-action or reaction, i.e. dependent upon certain conditions in order to exist, and offers no solution to our current world of suffering and abuse and inequality.
Love is that which is being done, PRESENTLY, to support all to exist equally as equals and one. Love MUST support all as equals, because love could never be distributed unequally and still be considered love. That would imply scarcity, which implies possessiveness and abuse. Love is that which supports all to exist equally in every way, eternally. Everything else is abuse, and a compromise made to support an excuse as to why we allow abuse in any form or quantity.

Equal money for all, I just realized that that which exists physically that supports inequality, supports abuse. So many people have wanted to eradicate this 'evil money', but it is what we do with our money, and what we support with our contribution that promotes its evilness. Because money has been used out of fear and greed and personal gain, it has become the expression of abuse. So if money were used to promote equality and oneness, then that physical reality would be that money supports equality. Because in the instant that money supports equality, it becomes it, as a physical reality.

What do I do that contributes physically to inequality? and Anything within this world that supports abuse or inequality in any way, physically, can be physically directed to support all life equally. Until, the reality of each physical manifestation within this world is an expression of equality.

We are born into a world of debt, a system that requires that you learn to support the system, otherwise the system will not support you. Because, the system is conditional, our world supports only the spectrum of possibility in which you are not worthy of the system's support unless you first do something to support the system. However, the system's concern is only for maximum energy extraction from an individual to further support the system's continued existence. Where in a system that offers equal money for all, money takes a stand to support life unconditionally. That which is here, physically is the expression of existence. If the expression of existence happens to be of inequality in any way, then that would mean that there is an expression for 'more' and for 'less' that is being allowed to exist, physically here.

"What" it is that someone does, if it does not support oneness and equality in all ways, accepts this existence as allowing abuse to exist. This implies that one applies equality and oneness to all things. To be equal and one with self. Realizing that only self exists. That which I know to 'best' for me from within myself as I breathe me in. That which supports all life equally is the same thing that allows myself to trust that "I" am existence, and that I inherently understand equality already, but haven't allowed myself to trust in its stability.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Maybe more than any one point, I notice that in general, "self-image" comes up as a recurring tendency. It has been my 'go to' or default consideration upon undertaking a task. Image is important to me because, with the right image, one gains access to the many perks within this world. It has been important to me because, my only concern has been how much I can gain of the things that I have given worth.
Strange, but of everything that I would REALLY want, which in essence is self-acceptance, I must first give myself acceptance because self-acceptance is necessary for me, because it is my responsibility, and it is naturally my duty to be self-honest and a willingness to see who self is, and to make necessary behavior modifications, which would be to simply accept self within self-honesty and within forgiveness of the abuse that self has or is participating in.

Within moving from the starting point of gaining something for myself, I've already ensured that abuse in some form will occur. From the last year of investigation, I have found that upon the 'auto pilot' mode, there is no self-expression. It is merely programmed response to stimuli and supports a self-interested agenda. I have yet to find anything other than self-interest as the programming that I have allowed within.

Equal money for all. I have not really investigated it within. Some aversions to it are as follows:
Getting people to agree with it as a viable solution.
I don't really know if it is a viable solution. Perhaps it is the simplest, most direct route to oneness and equality. Due to the incurring collapse of the world wide economy, people may be more willing to listen if they have nothing. This moment, investigating within, I see there are points of concern for giving up some comforts to which I have become accustomed. One way or another, eventually, I will realize that the only way to for there to exist equality of myself with all the world is to, myself, be equal in supporting equality of and as myself, one and equal with the world as one and equal with me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

There is a point or belief or definition/judgment that I am more able to express myself honestly to women/girls. The "sensitive" me anyway. That which I have normally hidden from the world. There is an expression that I have believed requires a females presence in order to express that which I believe I am in short supply. Myself, that which I have not done for me is allowing myself to be intimate with me. At least partly because of the "negative" things that I would have to confront, from a self-definition perspective. I would have to admit that I am not the image that I have portrayed myself to be. That I am simply here as all that I am. It is humbling, yet I rid myself of carrying that baggage. There is nothing to live up to, as in what I must do to maintain a personality.
I have wanted people to accept me as the personality that I accepted as myself. To create a "better me", yet all of this requires energy to maintain, therefore it can not be me, because I am already me, without maintaining a personality. It is a waste to allow that to exist, by feeding it and upgrading it to the latest version of personality. The energy expenditure spent worrying about how that my personality is being perceived by others. Acting within a limited range of possibility, to achieve success, as a character/impostor, because who I have been is self-interested. So of course, I have gone around hiding who I am, because I know that I have devious intentions.
It is amazing that anyone could somehow ignore their own deviant behavior, and instead follow a system of beliefs to act according to what one chooses to believe about themselves. We look to our neighbor and see how dishonest they live, therefore it is easily justifiable, because "I am least not the worst case of dishonesty." As if that is any reason to allow self to continue deceiving existence with a personality.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Much of the reason that people do not give all of oneself to one another, because it has rarely been seen in action. It has been generally accepted that the only possibility is the way it has always been. We have locked ourselves into that future reality, because we have believed that it is a foregone conclusion to do only as we have always done for thousands of years. We have not changed because we have believed that even if I were to change, that it would not make a difference; so why bother? Since people have never supported all life equally as themselves, because we have never done anything other than put the individual above the whole. Because we have not seen that the only real triumph is equality in all ways to all things, we have only been interested in how much I can do for myself. In reality it is so limited, because it requires others to have less, which could never be considered as any real triumph.

Instead of living within equality, which includes everything, we have lived exclusive lifestyles, that only includes ourselves. That is the grand illusion, that more for self is actually more. More suffering in the world, yes. Practically speaking, it is senseless to participate in anything other than supporting our own existence as one and equal with all beings within existence. Anything else is self-abuse by supporting more suffering within this world that I AM, in fact.

It is to be aware of each action and the far reaching consequences or each action. If it does not support self to be one and equal with all beings, then it is unacceptable. It is an excuse to say that I didn't know any better, because it affects us all, and self-responsibility is required for self-realization. Of course, people don't care to find out because it would most certainly mean that, "I would feel guilty about my lifestyle and might not be able to continue in my blissful existence, oblivious to how I promote abuse of another being within existence." That is the million dollar question: What is the consequences of my actions for all time? If it does not support existence equally eternally, then it is not acceptable.

I was frozen yesterday, in trying to decipher the moment, because I was not consciously aware of that in which I was participating, and I was plagued with a longing to know, or have some sort of reference point, so that I could define what it was that I was experiencing. The moment was not enough for my active mind. There was continuous suggestion within to not accept this moment as the only moment. I was fighting myself, trying not to try. Stopping was difficult, because I looking at a specific outcome, which was to stop thinking and self-analyzing. So I kept looking at myself to define "how" I was being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look at "myself" in order to make an assessment of myself by defining and judging what I see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as a "screw up" because, I "caught" myself doing things that I judged were worthy of regret.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that corrective action is and self-forgiveness is a process in eliminating self-interested behaviors, by participating in that which does support oneness and equality of beings. Self-honestly doing that which is "best" for me, in which case if it truly is best for me, then it also means that it is the best for existence, equally in support of the expression of each being's support for each other being's expression of equality and oneness.

All that is eternal of me is what will remain, unconditionally. If it can come and go, then it is not something eternal. It is in identifying that which remains under all conditions, everything else is temporary and of no substance. Not in search of substance, but in realizing what is not real, and ceasing to participate in that which is able to be corrupted. When that which is temporary is removed from within, and what remains is irremovable and real. It is not drawing energy from "somewhere", but realizing ,the non-diminishable, already here.

I was just killing myself to try and realize, or "naturally" let go. Binding myself to the experience of "not being able to ..." Self is HERE. How is self assisting self to support self, equal to existence, empty of struggle to remain existing in any "certain" way. Already here. If it can be lost, then it is not worth hanging on, because it is unreal, and can be removed, it is conditional. All that is subject to conditionality, is all that will eventually fade anyway, so it was never unconditional to begin with. Empty, formless, and containing existence entirely. EXISTENCE. Eternal existence of what IS was and will be. That which REMAINS. It could never be anything that fluctuates, or fades, or begins or ends. The essence of existence as equal and one with existence. It is not even "something".

That's the funny part, because it can't be searched out, because there is no IT to begin with. It is the search, itself, that there is some magical secret of existence that does not exist, nobody knows how to find it, or how to identify it, but everybody is searching for IT. That's the big joke. THIS is IT! and nobody sees it, because we are all in our heads looking for IT, or believing that we got IT, or almost gonna get IT, and it turns out that it was all just a search to keep searching, focused on a goal of becoming 'something'. As if for some reason we need to ' be "something"' in order to be something; as if being self is not a something that is "enough" of a something already. So to be counted as "something", a personality is formed, limited to the "personality traits" that have been defined as 'personality', is wearing a number to be counted as "real" and definable and limited to "who I am", according to self-definitions. "individuality", and what is allowed to define "me" as 'something', by tacitly agreeing to live within the boundaries of an accepted "personality".

As if to claim or state a value to the unique number one is wearing. My unique number/personality, apparently "who I am", but it is only a program, just like a computer follows instructions or rules of that program. A "personality" is a program that carries out what was programmed in. Personality, is all just an attempt at gaining validation and justification of one's apparent uniqueness.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am not quite sure how it started, but there is an underlying guilt reaction that I have associated with enjoying physical touch. A system within me that does not allow me to experience the enjoyment of feeling within this body. It has something to do with sexual expression and how I have associated sex with feeling. When I have been touched in a way that the body agrees with, my mind says "no, do not allow yourself to enjoy this moment." I have believed somehow that I do not deserve this or that I am not worthy of experiencing human touch, or even the touch or feel of my own body. Even enjoyment in general, I have had much aversion to expressing enjoyment to anybody. Interesting. Even the word "touch", I have even had an aversion about uttering the word touch, when referring to the human body. Come to think of it the word "body" is linked to the word "touch" in a similar fashion.

Somehow, I have associated the enjoyment of feeling or touch with perversion. Utterly fascinating! It stems from a belief that if I were to express that I enjoyed a particular way of being touched, then that would somehow, according to the world, mean that I was perverted, or be a lesser being if it were to be known. I have been so careful to hide any hint that I might enjoy touch in any way, especially when it involved a family member. It has something to do with vulnerability, and allowing myself to express vulnerability in any way. I have associated vulnerability with weakness, just as I have done with tenderness and gentleness. Enjoyment, in general, I have associated with weakness. Expressing uncensored enjoyment in any form has been considered taboo to me. Also certain ways of moving my body; I have limited myself to only those movements that are "strong". Anything that might considered "graceful", by anyone has also been avoided. Only "strong" and bold movement have I allowed to be expressed. Nothing vulnerable ever. I am flabbergasted!

Also, I have gone about hiding pain in the same way. I have very deliberately covered my body's expression in any way that I have defined as a sign of weakness. Oh man, what a mess I have created. No wonder I have found ways to express myself in secret. I have not allowed myself to accept myself as the self-honest expression of myself as who I am. In each scenario, I have meticulously censored out that in which I have believed is not a strong enough expression, or intimidating enough or powerful enough, or mature enough or masculine enough. I have not believed that I am enough of anything, so I have covered up, in every way that I could think of to cover my insecurities or dislikes about myself, and have spent enormous amounts of energy, proving to the world that which I have defined as myself to not be true.

I have wanted for others to believe that I am a perfect specimen, even though I could not believe it myself. I have known the truth of myself, yet I have done extensive work to cover up any aspect where I thought that I was inadequate. In everything that I have done, I have followed the most "natural path" or the path of least resistance to prove that the image that I wished to portray was recognized as the truth by the world.

I have known that I enjoy being touched, and I have known that I have covered my true expression with the image of how it was that I wanted to be perceived by others. Goddamn, it has been my physical expression that I have hidden from, the real me. This being here, this expression here is what I have been all along. Not what I thought I should or shouldn't be, only what I have been. And there is the voice inside that says to me, "you can't just be you, what would they think? What might come out if you do not constantly monitor each expression, then the truth of yourself may be exposed, and that is unacceptable."

Whoa, now this is some extensive shit, connected to every point within me. The extent that I can forgive myself is so far reaching, within every aspect of who I have become. That puts a new perspective on things. Hehehe. Extensive, yet simple. The physical. Me as this expression here. How could I have been so blind to that which has been here all along. Not what my mind says, but who I am here. Not an interpretation, what is here for all to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I might forget who I am. Who I am is who I am here. This physical being here. I only need to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind in an effort to "make sure" that I am "correct" that I am here. To "make sure" that I have not missed something.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as this physical being here within each and every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must hang onto the realizations that I have had, lest I lose sight of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my understanding of the world and myself represents reality more accurately than who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I will go back into my mind and forget all about my physicality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I may be just reiterating things that I have heard from Desteni, and have doubted that I am actually expressing myself, and instead have only memorized "correct" phrases, and that I really am just repeating what I have heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder where I must go and what I must do now to remain within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others according to how much one understands, according to how I have perceived myself and others' understanding. Huh?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone reading this will think or show me that I am full of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider how I will be judged and base my worth upon that perceived judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing that I actually enjoy others' responses because I have feared being seen as someone that needs feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to not give a shit whether or not someone reads or responds to my posts, because I have wanted to appear "strong" or self-motivated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as according to how I have defined myself, and not just seeing me for who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure that people stay far enough away so that there is little or no danger of being rejected or criticized for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious about ridding myself of my mind. I am here, I express myself here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have an aversion to using the word "here" because I have feared that if I would be "incorrect" in stating that I am here, then it would look like I am full of shit, and then people would just write me off as someone who is mostly just full of shit.

Goddamn, fear of rejection is extensive. I have judged myself as unacceptable, and who I am has been hidden. I have rejected myself, and instead have created an image so that I could be accepted as an image instead of myself. My mind fears rejection, because it has rejected me, and it does not want to be rejected and exposed as the illusion that it is. So it does everything to make itself real through its existence through me as me. It has been me, I have wanted to believe that the image could be made real, because I have thought that just myself is not grand enough. I have thought of myself as too ordinary, too repulsive, too inadequate and have followed the promise of the mind that I could one day be everything that my mind had planned for me to become. From this starting point, I have been chasing rainbows, never here, always looking to validate myself in my search for glory. In this I have become the definition of self-rejection, always chasing something more than myself. Incroyable! I forgive that I have allowed myself to suppress myself because I believed that I have to be more. I allow me to be me. Just me. I thank myself that I have allowed myself to just be me. No judgments. Me. Here, this being here. Into me I see. What do I see? ME. okay.

I just breathe here for now.

Monday, September 28, 2009

When the utmost tragic occurs, in some, what is often brought to the surface is an unconditional giving of oneself, more often than when survival is not at stake. That is what I see anyways, whether this is true, or if it is only my perception is not truly known by me, but what this implies is that the bulk of humanity will not care for each and every being within existence unless the situation becomes so dire and a selflessness is allowed to show from within. In situations such as natural disasters, it is suddenly deemed as acceptable to give all of oneself.

What are some of the reasons that we require a tragedy in order to let ourselves emerge? For one, image is less likely to be allowed within self. The current circumstance becomes the most pressing issue, and instead of an underlying agenda, we realize that in lieu of seeing more suffering, we are suddenly willing to do whatever that is required of us to involve ourselves in whatever way that we can assist in seeing that the suffering be as minimal as possible. In such times, it becomes apparent that we could not possibly face ourselves if we do anything less than what we can.

We are currently in the midst of a tragedy, yet most of us are content to remain unaware of the tragic circumstances in which we live. So instead of offering our support to another, we hold on to our small piece of comfort, and wait for someone else to take responsibility for what we are faced with. We turn away and pretend not to see, because our own comfort is too important to risk losing. We understand that it would take our complete dedication to all beings, and being the self-interested beings that we have become, we are not willing to forsake that in which we believe is our salvation, for another being, lest we lose that in which we believe we must cling.

But if truth be known, in such actions, we have already forsaken ourselves, for something that is only a shadow of who we really are, which is existence entirely, one and equal. We hide from ourselves that we are selfish, and justify our way of life, by reasoning that we have to look out for number ONE, first and foremost. We allow ourselves to remain unaware that we are allowing self-interest to reign supreme within this existence by allowing it to exist within and as ourselves, and through us, selfishness is expressed as ourselves unto the world. Thus through our participation in selfishness, we allow the destruction and suffering of the world and ourselves to continue as the the expression of selfishness as ourselves.

It quite simple, that which is allowed within self is allowed to exist within this world as ourselves. We all have to do our part. It is up to each and everyone of us to stand for all life equally, to not allow self-interest to exist within and as self. The alternative is complete separation of us all, for as long as any self-interest is permitted to remain existing, we will only be able to exist as the separation that we have allowed to exist.

I realize that I am of a handful of beings on earth that realize what has to be done. This does not make me special, but understanding that each of us contribute to this reality by what is allowed to remain existing within each being ; it is my responsibility to end all self-interest within me. Knowing and merely talking about what has to be done is a far cry from actually doing it. The belief structure that we are all separate from one another still exists within and as me, and it is upheld and fed through the thoughts that are allowed. Still, this is only knowledge that I have acquired, and is not something I have yet proven to myself. There is a belief that maybe I have not explored all facets of the mind, and that maybe I should explore further, before I speak of 'hand me down' knowledge. This is one reason that I have not yet stopped all participation within the mind. I have assumed that my beliefs have been true, and in that assumption, I seek to prove my assumption to be true. It is a program existent within me, and it will continue as long as I allow that program to run. In each allowance of it, I allow further exploitation of the mind's agenda.

Are all thoughts self-interest? That is the question that I have not answered for myself. I am told that they are, yet I do not know this for a fact. I can know however, by simply being aware of the starting point of each thought that bides for my participation. I have not really questioned the thoughts that emerge, and the origin of them or their underlying motive. In being self-honest as I am faced with each thought, I can prove to myself the nature of each thought and whether or not there is merit to any thought and if any thought is worth considering. I have not been willing to put each thought to the test; and have been scared to investigate further, for fear of participating within a thought. This fear is invalid, not only because if a thought is within me, then it is me, but also because thoughts do not control me without my permission for them to control me. So here I stand to expose each thought, and the actual motive that lies within. Testing in progress...Results pending...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I can't wish myself away from here, and that illusion has been my primary motivation within each moment. Seeing all that I have allowed of myself rushing to the fore front urges me to run and take cover. It can be downright discouraging to see it all while knowing that I have no other choice. It is what I have allowed, and I have to face up. The pain that I have ignored, and looked instead toward a promise of a greater existence, that I may be distracted from the reality that I have been the cause of my own suffering, because I have been steadily removing myself from existence, and the consequence has been the pain that I experience within myself and within the world, likewise.

One thing at a time, one step at a time, dealing with what is here. It is within this context, and not and end result, that I may remain here. I have had a hard time swallowing that pill, because I have so long consulted with my imaginations of somewhere beyond here, at the end of the rainbow. Although, that can be known, it is a mere theory to me at this point because I have not proved it in any way within this physical reality. There is only one way to do that, and that is to remain here within this physical reality. I have continually allowed myself to be whisked away into an imaginary reality within the mind, because I have deemed it too difficult to remain here, and face what is here within this physical reality.

Accepting that this is the only reality is a contradiction to all that I have believed, and coaxes me to an "easier" path. A path that disregards the present reality so that I may be comforted by false hopes and promises that do not exist anywhere, except for within the delusion of mind. What an unfortunate prospect it is to undertake the anxiety that is manifested within, by dreaming about a day that I will finally reach the top of a mountain, and all the while missing every moment that I am here, to instead place value on an idea that my existence will somehow be of greater worth when I arrive at a particular destination. In the meantime, my existence here is of no concern or of any worth, because I have thrown each moment away as if it is to be stomped upon for no other purpose than to get somewhere else. Such a tragic comedy this pursuit of everlasting peace has created!

I detect a resistance within me regarding direct assistance of others to support me. I have already seen, within me, a tendency to becoming dependent upon communication with another being, in that I would rather struggle along with another's encouragement instead of standing alone and realizing that which I already know about myself. I already know what has to be done, and that because I understand that I must stand absolutely here under all circumstances, and I wish for "one last time" that I may indulge in what I have done for my entire life.

It is the very same thing that I identified earlier within myself, which is wishing myself away from here into another existence within the grandeur of the oh so extravagant mind. Persistence does not adequately describe the absoluteness of standing here. It all appears to be a menacingly enormous task, because I have not stood here, and have instead seen it within the definitions that I have had of a duration and as many separate events as viewed through a scope of time. Separate events is how I have come to define the world and myself. It is as simple as remaining here, yet I haven't shaken the idea of a linear existence, and I have chosen to instead look at my "progress" in relation to how much time has elapsed, and how many events have taken place. Comparing and judging myself in relation to how far I have come, and how far I think I have to go.

Hehehe. It all seems so ridiculously obvious that there is only one moment here, and that this is the only reality. But not yet can I be trusted with life, because I have so far proven that I run away and hide from what is truly here, so that I may catch a glimpse of what is elsewhere in a fairy tale of self-definitions and self-analyzing and self-judgments. HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE, HERE, HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE!

If by my actions and beliefs, I imply that there is something beyond, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be anywhere but here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this existence as a series of separated events, instead of realizing that I am here. I am here. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the difficulty level of future moments to come, thereby losing awareness that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern that, things are easier or more difficult in relation to an event that does not exist except within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a future event where it will all be "better".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief and thought pattern that there is some sort of conclusion that is the epitome of existence, above and beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am getting somewhere now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the belief of finality. That one day soon if I play my cards right I will be finally at peace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to define and judge my existence here, rather than just be here, this moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this moment is implied eternally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thought pattern: "I hope I make it this time" which only implies that there is a destination over there somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander self-direction because I have not allowed myself to trust that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "make sure" I am not fooling myself by consulting the mind that compares myself in relation to the past or future projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look "beyond" here.

I live here. I live here. I live here. Here. Here. Here. Breathe. Breathe. Here I am. I am here. Her I am. Breathe. Here I am.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Within expressing self-honestly and how we delude ourselves with dishonest behavior, it may be seen as ideology, and in defense of allowing oneself to remain a dishonest system, will be seen as an impossibility, not because it is impossible, but to give an excuse to why a person is justified in continuing within and as the abuse that is participated in within their lifestyle. Statements such as, "nobody's perfect", is a prime example of justification of what one is currently participating in and as.

It is comforting to think that one is currently living as one should, according to how a holy book says one should live. That belief removes any possibility that a person will see the consequences of their behavior. The belief that a person is who they tell themselves they are, is self-deception defined, because within that definition, a person hides their self from themselves, and chooses to look at their definition and not who they are here. It is tragic that the bulk of humanity currently lives this way, and are not willing to see themselves for who they are out of fear of what they will realize. Every method to protect themselves from exposure to the truth of themselves and the world is employed. Logic and reason is used to create an illusion that they are who they say they are. While in fact, they are nothing but a system of justifications and excuses.

This defense mechanism is so ingrained within individuals, that it is hard to imagine that we will be equal as one in all ways for many years to come. However, if it is true that we have been placed within a bubble, built out of the abuse that we unleash upon ourselves, that this process will be compressed into a few decades. As far as I can see, we will have to experience a living hell within ourselves, and become aware that it has been us that has been responsible for the widespread suffering all along, before anyone really stands and says no more do I allow this abuse within myself to exist.

It is quite ironic that I welcome the hell on earth that will manifest in the years to come. It has been a little difficult to watch people's self-deception and the suffering that it causes, yet I know that this will be necessary for most people before they decide to stop all self-interested behavior. I have often felt guilty about rejoicing in seeing people's lives come crashing down around them, and did not understand why I felt this way. But, now I see. It is not because I wish to see suffering, but because I know that it will take losing everything, before most will decide that enough is enough. Yet, for some, they will cling to their beliefs until the bitter end, when there is absolutely no other option available.

My problem within this has been an anxiousness to see it all unfold. That also is not acceptable, because within that I live for a future event, and toss 'here' out the window, as if it is yesterday's garbage. That is participating in self-abuse and taking self here for granted, exactly the same as what I have just identified within other people. I have not much room to talk, for I have not yet stood myself. It is inevitable, that I will stand, yet it is me that will determine how and when that will be. I can stand. I can remain here. I know it. I only have to prove it to myself within each moment here, within self-honesty and self-forgiveness.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Seeing the many different ways that people delude themselves can send me off into my mind if I allow that to happen. If I allow that to happen, then I become unaware of what it is that I am doing, and all that I am participating in. The need or desire for people to see how they are deceiving themselves is yet another way that I can be distracted from myself, and instead look toward a construct of the mind as a situation that exists only within my mind, that I have defined as better than here.

I've been totally shielded from self-awareness, because of such pipe dreams. Because within this anticipation of a better world, an anxiousness is allowed to emerge from within, and I become enamored with an idea, and lose sight of what exists here as myself. Certainly, this applies to myself, also, in that I anticipate a better me, and try to bring about this ideological being into existence. Yet, within chasing this imagined better self, that is completely and entirely self-honest, I immediately become a being of wanting, which only proves to remove me from realizing the being which remains here within self-honesty. To be self requires nothing. This simple realization eludes me only because I continue to search for what is already here.

I have believed that my thoughts are reality, and that to let go of my involvement in the thought patterns that emerge, that I will have no reference, nor any way of knowing myself. It is critical to let go of thoughts. However, the letting go is effortless, it is who I am already. This has been the most difficult thing to realize. I have not allowed self to be self alone. Instead, I have attached self to purposes and definitions, because I thought that that would get me closer to the truth. It has only complicated and added baggage that I have believed that I needed to lug around, lest I lose myself. Letting go of everything that can be lost, and self remains eternally. If I cling to anything, it implies that it can be lost, and thus it is only temporary. That which cannot be lost is self, absolutely, unconditionally.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

It is incredible the amount of bullshit within me. All that I've allowed myself to exist as. Generally speaking, it has been the definition of myself as less than what could be. Not taking into consideration myself here, but looking at an idea of a grander self, and a grander world. It has totally become me. So much so, that it is an automatic response within almost every situation. It is a staggering revelation to realize that it is an actual physical manifestation. That nothing within me, that I have become, is of any value. That I, physically must remain here within the physical, as the manifested physical reality that I have allowed from myself. To see who I have become, and to no longer allow any participation in that which has gotten me to this point through what I have allowed of myself. Which is the definition of self as something in relation to a definition.

Physically, I have become the expression of a definition of self, and that is as real as I am. Not really existing, except for within a definition of existence. Not existence itself; but a definition of existence, indefinitely, for as long as I participate from within and as the manifested definition of self as actual self.

To forsake all that I have become, because there is not an iota of reality within that definition of the physical as the physical.

I have talked of this, but have not been heard, only because those who are listening are not willing to see that they, themselves, are participating within and as this illusion, as a physically manifested expression of non-existence/illusion. It is not even a consideration because within and as their involvement of and as illusion, they continue to believe themselves to be the illusion that has been created by and as themselves to be real. Not seeing the implied reality within following an assumption that what they believe is reality and the only reality worthy of consideration. The expression of self as a self-eradication. The reality being that they are the physical expression of self-deceit and illusion. Self removing self from existence, because they would rather continue existence within and as the manifested illusion, rather than realizing that they have become the process that removes all that is real from within self, until nothing real remains existing within and as self.

Talk of this, or even hinting at the possibility that they currently only exist as an illusion is seen as lunacy, because within and as the existence of self as illusion, reality represents lunacy. Reality will not make sense to those who believe illusion to be reality; and to speak of reality will be seen as complete and utter, inconceivable, craziness. Because they have been completely integrated into and as the illusion, thus can only function as that illusion.

It is to see self-here and to not participate in anything that self has participated in that has manifested self as the existent illusion that self has become. A self-honest illusion, letting go of self as the definition of self that has been clung to. Because to the illusion, only that which consists of the illusion is seen as real.

The reality in this is that self has not yet proven that self is real, and that self has allowed thoughts, beliefs, and ideas to have jurisdiction and dominion over what is actually here.

Within all of this, I see that much of what I say or express will likely be viewed as non-sense, and will be discounted as delusions and beliefs that I have assumed are true. That because if I express self-honesty as who I am here to a being that is aligned with the idea that their thoughts and beliefs are actually what is real, then the relationships that I have kept will disintegrate, because relationship cannot be sustained, because within self-honesty, I can no longer allow myself to acknowledge an illusion as reality. This has already begun, because what I have expressed to some has challenged their current perspective of themselves and the world around us.

Reality can never be realized within the limitations of basing an experience upon acquired knowledge, because knowledge is based upon the past, which is not a direct experience/expression of what is here, but is only based upon an assumption that what is believed to be true must be true. Of course, the only way to know the truth is to be one and equal to the truth, of which there is no space within truth that deception can exist.

Beliefs do not make or unmake reality, they are simply beliefs, that have no influence upon the actuality of a given moment. It is a mere imagination, and nothing of an illusion can ever exist within that which is real. One percent illusion within 99 percent reality still equals 100 percent illusion.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

There is a distinct possibility that I am resisting seeing an important point, because I find myself not very specific in the ways that I am assisting and supporting oneness and equality. As if I have overlooked the obvious. Or maybe I have underestimated what it takes for me to become effective. I have not yet stood here as myself for longer than a few moments. Not really standing but, being here as the breath for a few moments, and it has been back into my mind until I realize that I am in my mind again. So, I can't be more effective within this world than I am with myself, since I am one and the same as the world itself.

There is still an underlying selfishness within, because I have not yet been able to give of myself unconditionally. Somehow, I have been holding myself back. I have not yet unconditionally expressed myself, but only expressed who I am when, I have felt comfortable with the probable outcome of self-expression. So I have been hanging onto the life that I have manifested for myself, because what has been manifest, I have not been willing to completely part with. I have thus far proven that I cannot yet be trusted with life, because I have not yet allowed life to expand within and as me.

Instead, I have followed rules and limitations according to my thoughts and beliefs of what I should do in order to achieve the results that I have been looking for. I have put my trust in thought to explain to me who I am. Which is absolutely preposterous, because who I am within self-honesty is that in which I express without any reservations or limiting belief systems of right or wrong. I am already me, and there is nothing to find or omit, because I already exist. Censoring myself is absolute self-deception because it only suppresses who I actually am. How can I not be who I am? If who I am tries to become more than who I am already, it is self-abuse, because within this practice, I state to myself that I do not accept myself as who I am, and that I want something more. I can never be more than who I am. That is but an idea. Ideas do not tell me who I am, they only distract from who I actually am within action. Being me, expressing myself is already who I am, and needs not an explanation or definition. Self is self-explanatory, it is who I am, what I express, how I express. Just me here. The expression that I wear. Can I ever not express who I am? I express myself under all conditions. I only need be aware that I am that I am. I express me in every moment. I only need see. That which I see is me. That which I do is me. Everything that is or will ever be.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

One of the many ways that I have limited and suppressed myself is by fearing that by being myself, that I will be rejected as who I am. So from that starting point, I have only allowed from within me, that in which I have believed will be accepted by others. I have only allowed myself to express myself within the "safety" of not being rejected. This has been extremely limited, because not all people accept the same personalities. So I have looked for a personality in which I will be accepted within everybody's opinions. Essentially, nobody. Not standing as myself, but only first calculating the acceptance level within a given circumstance, before acting. Then acting in order to be accepted as an acceptable personality.

To not act according to a belief system. Exactly how is this done? Simply do not allow beliefs. To which one may say "how can I not believe in anything?" Through participating exclusively within and as what is here. It does not require a belief to be here and to act here. I am here. Not a belief or conclusion. But merely what IS. Awareness of what is here. So can I act without believing anything? Certainly. Here, within every moment of every breath. Seeing is not a conclusion or belief. Awareness of what is seen. Belief is acting upon a memory or assumption of what is here, based upon knowledge of the past. It is rigid and lifeless, and is bound by its own structure and cannot act here because it exists only within the mind, constructed and based upon the past. Never here.

So to take it a step further is being honest with self in what is currently taking place within and self. If it is seen that self is abusing self or another, then stop, and no longer allow that from self. Because self IS that which one is in participation of, from within.

Tendencies to react according to how a program has been designed for me to act have continuously stripped me of awareness of self within every breath. It is what I have allowed because I have believed that I am nothing more than thoughts, beliefs, and definitions of myself and of the world around me. Entertainment for the mind to remain active and existing. To exist within thoughts so that I am completely unaware that self even exists, and that I allow it all to manifest as myself by my participation in abdicating self-responsibility of all that in which I participate. When I am within thoughts, I am completely unaware of that in which I am participating, because it is a program, and the program is not designed to include self-awareness. Self becomes drowned out in a cacophony of noise and distractions, as thought process.

In general the tendency to find out where I am in relation to something has been the most prominent stumbling block. For instance, when I have awoken in the morning, the tendency has been to reassemble my memories and definitions of "where" I am. As if that is at all necessary to begin the day. As if it is necessary to remember that my dog died so that I can remember to be distraught about the perceived situation, for instance. As if I am required to remember "who I am", so that I can remember how to act, before I can act. All of that is limiting myself to one possible outcome, which is doing exactly as I have been programmed to do.

Who I have thought myself to be within all of my definitions and judgments has enabled a personality, that can only act within the boundaries of that defined personality. A robot with a specific program to remain existing as that programmed personality.

As the program, I will at all costs, protect the robot and the program to carry out what I was programmed to do, which is to use and abuse self for its continued existence. This is why it is vital to stop allowing myself to exist as a programmed personality. As the program, I can only abuse myself and others, because self-abuse is how the program has been designed to remain existing.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Eternity in a bubble, with only me. That has serious ramifications. If I exist as abuse in any way whatsoever, then I have eternity to realize that I have only allowed myself to exist as abuse, which as it turns out, abuse of another is self-abuse, because I would exist as abuse as myself. As long as any is allowed to exist as abuse, then we all exist as abuse.

It is quite simple, yet because people realize that if they were to look at themselves honestly, then that might mean that they would have to ditch the belief systems that they have held onto oh so dearly.

I had a discussion today about how I have allowed my idea, of some greater existence, to direct my every move. The guy's name is Jack, and he asked me if I think I am complicating things. He has many ideas that he takes for granted is the truth. So telling him anything is of little use. He waits to speak, and does not listen to that in which I am saying, but rather gauges the validity of what I say according to his own beliefs and preconceptions of truth.

Defending and advocating the belief systems that have been employed by a person is a very, very common reaction. Of course he is 75 years old, and obviously believes that there is nothing that I can say that he, himself hasn't already figured out.

From myself, I see that when someone is not willing to take a look at anything other than what supports their belief, that there awaits an opportunistic frustration that will jump at any chance to take hold of me in order to direct me to continue to allow more breeding of frustration from within. This is an unacceptable reaction, because it only punishes and abuses myself, by looking at a scenario within my mind and defining that situation as better than here. Meanwhile, I will have already taken what is actually here for granted, and instead, imagined a situation that is apparently better, in order to define here as less than optimal. It is a reaction to an imaginary definition of existence here.

Seeing this is of no value in and of itself. Taking action as not allowing a false definition of the circumstance to direct me is the only thing of 'value'. What is here is all that is real. So I breath, and see what is here. Not an interpretation of what is here, nor what could be or might be, because that is living within an imaginary existence. Not self-application, but self-abuse and self-deceit.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The thought and belief patterns have already been established. Thoughts and beliefs have been constructed from the perspective of "I" as the central figure. "I" will always be the central figure within thoughts. It is within the programming and construction of thoughts, that "I" is always the central figure, the most important, the one to be most concerned with. There is nothing that can be done to change that, because it has already been established that "I" is central. Thoughts are concerned with one thing. Me, me, me. How does the world relate to me? From within a thought, "I" can only be the central interest, because that is the way that every thought has been constructed. Me as the most important, the main agenda. Abuse is accepted within a thought, because all but "I" will be compromised. Fuck the world, as long as "I" remains intact and unchallenged.

This "I" is an idea, constructed thought by thought, definition by definition. It is an imaginary identity. Protection of that identity is the core concern. Because it has been constructed over time, it will not be willing to allow any threat to its survival to exist. The one threat to its survival is self-honesty here. Here, "I" cannot and does not exist, because "I" requires participation of self to allow the definition/identity of "I" to exist within, in lieu of self.

Because the identity, "I" is permitted to exist, self withers away into nothingness, as "I" infests and consumes self entirely. Self was never allowed to exist. Self was taken for granted, and instead of allowing self to expand into life, self was brushed aside and replaced with hopes and dreams of something more. Something better, something more beautiful and wonderful, something beyond. All just an idea. Just an imagination. Unreal. A definition.

Self. Not a definition. Not a belief. A being. Here. Unimaginable. Life. Touchable. Real. Substance. Existence.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I am continuously participating within and as this world according to what I allow from myself. My experience of myself has been based upon thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and emotions to explain the world around me. In essence, self has been missing within the experience. By allowing my thoughts to explain me and my experience, I have missed me altogether, and instead have believed what my thoughts have told me about reality.

An explanation is but a representation or description of reality, and not reality in fact. It is only a description handed down by an interpreter. To believe that an interpreter can sufficiently describe reality is ludicrous. Yet, I have bought into the idea that I am blind, and must look to an interpreter to explain the world and myself to me.

Maybe more than anything is the belief that I need something. An incessant sales pitch, describing a better me, a better world, a better experience, a better existence. All of which, are paths away from me, here. It isn't that I ever actually leave here, but it has been the belief that I am getting somewhere away from here. The proverbial carrot on a stick, which proves only to promote more seeking, and seeking to maintain status.

The pitch goes something like this: "If you want to remain here forever, then follow me. Or if you don't want to remain here forever, then follow me." It is an illusion that something beyond self will ever exist, just as the prospects of escaping self will ever occur. They are two sides of the same illusion. Self exists here, there is nothing more or nothing less, nor will there ever be.

Self IS here, unexplainable, undefinable, simply here. Existence entirely, absolutely, indisputably.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

There are a number of pleasurable experiences that I have continued to believe are something that I must have in order for life to be worth living. These things have held my attention as what I have believed are the source of my enjoyment. I have seen these things as something outside of me that causes me to experience what I experience. Yet, I have been the source all along. It has not been something outside of me, but that has been my belief. I have believed that certain various things define my enjoyment. I am the cause of my enjoyment, but have all along believed that something out there has caused it. Circumstances that I have defined as enjoyable have led me to believe that I can only experience joy if the circumstances meet certain criteria for enjoyment to exist. So from that belief, I have tried to change the circumstance into what I have defined as enjoyable.

I will use the example of heads and tails to illustrate. If I believe that heads is enjoyable and tails is not, then from that belief, I try to manipulate the circumstance so that heads will occur more often, and last longer than tails. Yet I have not seen that it has only been me allowing myself to experience joy, when the circumstance has been heads.

I have never been bound to experience joy only while the circumstance is heads, but I have believed that it must be that heads has caused my enjoyment. I can experience joy at any time, but I have not allowed myself to do that unless I believed the circumstance permitted it. All along it has been me directing me in allowing it or not. but I have directed myself to be directed by how I have defined the circumstance.

For instance, when people say look on the bright side, this implies that there must first exist a bright side in order to experience joy. We are not bound by a circumstance to experience joy, but we have permitted ourselves to be dependent upon what we have accepted as a definition of when it is possible and when it is not possible for an enjoyable experience to exist.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I have dishonesty points about needing people. About proving that I need no assistance, that I can make it on my own. As if to tell the world that I am independent. A smugness to say that I am too good to need any help from anyone. An idea that I can make it anywhere under any circumstance. To say that I can take all the punishment that you can dish out.

But what does this say about me? That I fear being a burden to anyone. "Ignore me. I do not even exist. Forget that you knew me." I"ve been hiding myself out in the open.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear letting people down.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear intimacy with other people.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear showing vulnerability, and hide it by displaying vulnerability, to make sure that people will not invest in me.

I have some subtle addictions. Addiction to excellence, a well-rounded excellence. Addiction to extreme balance of obsessiveness and fear of commitment. I have often obsessed over something, and later become obsessed with something else. Swinging from one extreme to the other in some sort of balanced mayhem. Extremely lukewarm. Addiction to non addiction, commitment to non commitment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being less than excellent, because I fear that someone may want to help me and get too intimate with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by my emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing vulnerability in another person because they may want to admit/confess their dishonesty to me, and express intimately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire privacy, and have done everything imaginable to maintain my privacy by making sure that people maintain their privacy.

I have kept people at arm's length, and have lived within a semi-cloudy bubble. I have shown myself but only through a blurry window. I have wanted to be mysterious so that I am able to remain slightly unclear, or not completely understood or available for close up inspection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people showing me what I already know about myself, but I am unclear about, because I want to do it on my own, my own way, alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be an island, completely uninfluenced by suggestions, because I have given more worth to finding out by myself, without any help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncovering how I can best assist others, because I fear that I may do a less than excellent job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my best may be only mediocre.

I see that I have been fearing mediocrity, so I have stayed within a bubble of comfort, and only participate in activities that I am confident that I have the ability to be excellent.

So what would be something that I would be really mediocre at doing if I gave it my best?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Yesterday, I found myself searching for ways that I could permanently change, for instance, how can I change so that I no longer get angry, and I had the simplest realization. Which is to stop.
I've seen this solution before, but didn't really see that I was actively participating in the continuation of me as anger, by looking for a path that would lead me to serenity.

To step foot onto a path leading to somewhere implies that I am not yet there, and I that I will be there when certain conditions are met; sometime in the future, when I become an imagined likeness of what I believe must happen for me to achieve a desired state of being. 'Desired state of being', being the key words here. This has been a path that I have believed would take me to where I must go, but it never occurred to me that the path does not lead to where I think it does.

Whereas, stopping here, is indisputable. I stop participation in anger, here. Period. There is no guesswork or assumptions of a destination. I am here, I am either participating in anger or not. Simple.

The major fuck up has been me telling myself, "okay, I've got to stop being angry." In these words, I have unknowingly said to myself, "I have no power to stop being angry. I am a victim of the anger that consumes me. Hopefully, it will stop." It is a self-fulfilling prophecy of helplessness toward anger.

"I either allow anger or I don't." In stating this, I am saying that I am responsible for all that I allow from myself. That I direct me, instead of playing the role of a helpless victim.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

When we adhere to an idea of what it is that we are supposed to become or do, it is the ultimate limitation. Because we lock ourselves into a certain pattern, and are not able to be in the moment, freely and spontaneously. Everything becomes omitted from consideration except for that which fits in with the idea. This is self-enslavement to self-imposed rules and outcomes. So instead of riding the wave, with the wave, and as the wave, we become rigid and struggle not to be influenced and controlled by the wave, instead of remaining free to move self as the movement that is occurring. Being one and equal to the wave.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Using the example of driving a vehicle as something that I know; it is not necessary for me to be conscious that I know how to drive before I know that I know how. It is also not necessary for me to define who I am before I know who I am, because I already know, it is in my being as my being. Thoughts are not necessary. There is who I am, and there is who I believe I am, which is a manufactured imitation or representation of who I am, and requires a process of formulation of a conclusion.
Searching for a conclusion is the first step in thinking, and is not here directly. It is limited to the constraints of time, and only serves to dilute a pure experience to a polluted stream of delusion. A messenger is not needed to explain me to me. I am already here, and that needs no explanation. Nor can it be explained without fabricating a separate reality.

Monday, July 27, 2009

This being that I've become is driven by wants, needs, beliefs, feelings and emotions. In particular, beliefs are taken and made to prove that my belief is valid. It is a limitation on what is actually true. As a simple example, one may believe that hugging a rock is the best way to climb, and is the only valid method of climbing. Because a person has been successful using the method of hugging the rock to complete a route, it is not even considered that there may be a more efficient method. This leads to more beliefs, such as, the reason a route cannot be completed is because there are not sufficient handholds, and because it is not even considered that maybe the methods employed are flawed or less than ideal.

This same basic structure of belief is how I have become so limited to self-imposed rules and boundaries in this existence. By taking for granted that what I believe is true, I limit myself to those beliefs, and act within the rules of that belief system.

Some beliefs that pop up for instance is the belief that I know better than most people. Or the belief that I need to know, or that there is something out there that still needs to be figured out. They are old habits, and they give me a sense of security to cling to my old ways. It is scary to drop my beliefs, because without them, what do I know? It is the belief that I will not know how to move or where to go next. In this, there is no trust in self movement, but instead my trust is placed in what I think I know.

Knowing is when beliefs and thoughts are not here. It is instantaneously here. This instant, what do I know?... Nothing that has to be explained or figured out, or anything that I have to tell myself, for what I actually know is lived and not calculated; nor is it something that can be clung to. It is here as myself as I express myself here. Knowing and unknowing is really just the same thing: awareness.

Friday, July 10, 2009

A girl named Jessica sparked my interest today. I wanted there to be a special connection of some kind, because she was petite, attractive and confident. I was already looking to form a relationship with her. I wanted to capture her before anyone else had a chance. All self-interested behavior. In this world, I have found that I have very little capacity for forming relationships, but it is something that I have so desired for myself. Who I have become is fucked, from the perspective that I can not, as this being that I exist as here, make any difference within this world, because I have separated myself from the whole of existence and placed myself in a bubble of my creation as a being that cannot ever get satisfaction. Continuously observing myself as not getting exactly what I want. Judging and comparing myself to everybody and everything. This judgment has become me, and it is this very thing that I have become that I must not allow any longer. And it is not something that I can all of a sudden be rid of. It is a systematic process of not participating in this 'me' that wishes to continue existing.

This 'me' will always be self-interested, and there is nothing that can be done about that, because I already exist as exclusively self-interested. It must be proven that I will not allow this being to ever be summoned under any circumstance, by confronting, and systematically disconnecting each circuit that transfers energy to it, until access to any and all energy has been severed.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

For a while, I've been watching myself and the ways that I participate in self-image enhancement. What I have noticed lately is that, even my attempt at not participating, has been largely about proving to others that I am not participating in self-image enhancement. Thus, still participating. I've only recently become aware of this, and I find that it is actually much, much simpler to just watch to see if I am participating. That is as far as it needs to go. It is actually not going anywhere, but rather just being aware if and when I involve myself in thoughts of 'how do I appear?'

Also, I find that it is simpler and more direct, to instead of telling myself how I should act, to simply skip that step altogether. It is entirely unnecessary, plus it only breeds confusion and limits myself to rules and constraints that I have inflicted upon myself.

For instance, telling myself that I should not judge people anymore. Well, that act of telling myself such a thing, subjects me to becoming unaware of what I am here participating in, and it is not me directing me, but a self-imposed rule that I have confined myself to.

No baggage. No space for rent here. No vacancy, because I occupy me entirely. No tenants permitted to occupy me. Only me allowed here.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

It is important for me to realize that I am already here. This is the time and place, and I live here and shall remain here. I cannot remain here by believing that there is a better time or place than here. What is here is all that exists and all that will ever exist. I take what is here as myself with complete acceptance of it, and do not participate in definitions and judgments of it.
I see that that in which I am experiencing is a fact of who I am here. So it is not to wish that away, or attempt to rid myself of it, because it cannot be changed by wishing it gone or trying to get away from it, because it is simply me.
What I experience is a testament of that in which I participate, and all will be revealed when I see what is actually here as myself. An absolute acceptance of who I am here is awareness of that in which I participate. If I am here, and I am aware of myself here, then I can direct myself here, and not be directed.
It is unnecessary that I strive to uncover more of me, because I am already uncovered and apparent as who and what I experience myself to be. I am already here, and nothing is hidden, but only revealed in seeing what I see. Self-honesty. Me. Simply me here. A fact. A fact that is revealed. I see what I see, not what I want to look at. If I do not see, then that is a simple fact of my awareness. Looking is not seeing, searching is not finding. Only facts are permitted here, not interpretation.
It is me here, and there is nothing to fear; no reason to fear me.