Monday, October 3, 2011

This occupy wallstreet thing that has been happening is intriguing because, apparently, people are fed up with the system. Fed up, but with no real solution to the problem. "We want change" is the general message, yet there is no specific plan on what must change, or how it must change, or who is supposed to change it.
If people are looking for those in power to change the world, then obviously, they've already admitted that they are powerless to change it themselves, and exist merely at the mercy of those in power. It is easy to complain and protest about the injustices within this world, and point a finger of blame toward those that have been allowed to remain in privileged positions. But whose fault is it really? Because most people would rather not concern themselves with the inner workings of politics, and only squawk when they themselves are undeniably affected by the consequences of such a system to remain in place; the system remains in place.
Even if there is a world wide protest for things to change, and nobody stands and takes the necessary steps to ensure that a new system is implemented, things will remain the same.
The system has always been abusive and exclusive, but the majority of us that can make a difference have accepted it as okay, because we have not been one of the many people that are starving to death.
For us, it has been more of a nuisance, but not worth standing for those that are among the most abused and impoverished, because it is just a nuisance, and apparently it does not affect us that much. So it is accepted, because we are excluded from any real suffering, and complaining and protesting is about as far as any of us are willing to take it.
"Just give me back the shit I used to have, and I'll shut up and allow this system of abuse to continue. Because after all I'm getting what I want out of the deal, so the rest of the world can get fucked for all I care."

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I've used blogs as a sort of confessional or tool to excuse myself from self-responsibility. For others to see, not just simply exposing myself, but efforts toward getting others to approve of my actions and who I am. As if to say, "look at me, I'm doing the right things."
I've been deathly scared of criticism or negative feedback, and so I haven't really exposed who I am. Only parts of me that support the image I have been so keen on proving, and releasing vlogs or blog that will promote positive feedback.
To be accepted as something that I believe will be well received. I've not wanted to be held accountable for my actions, so I've done things to disguise self as something else, and misconstrue the actual nature of who I am. Because I have seen who I am and I do actually realize that what I have allowed is unacceptable, yet I don't want to actually stand and take self-responsibility.
I've been too focused upon what I am losing, rather than who it is that I am and what it is that I am participating in.
Energy has been spent on getting people to believe in who I am portraying myself to be, as if that will somehow make me that. It's been like a constant explanation of me, instead of just exposing me so that all can see.
Likewise, it has been the same for myself, a constant explanation of who I am to myself, but obviously, there is no need to explain myself to me, because I am already that.
The major message that I have been telling myself and others is that I am greater than who I am. An impossibility, yet nonetheless, has infiltrated and directed me to do the things I have done through my own allowance of the belief that I can be something other than who I already am.
Looking at it here, shows me that virtually every action I have been involved in has been geared toward proving that I am greater than or something other than this being here. It should be blatantly obvious that that is not possible, and quite ridiculous and pointless to insinuate that I am anything, because it is self-evident who and what I am already.
Writing blogs for me has been very much about getting a pat on the back for doing so. As soon as I made my blog public, then I sought to appear as if I were being true and honest and all of the "good" and "noble" ways of being are those which I wished to display. Some points of self-honesty, but with and underlying base of "look at me" syndrome. Obviously, that ego driven existence is not living here as who I am, but rather living for a moment that does not even exist, except within an imagined future scenario.

A moment within my mind in which I am hailed and praised for my "loyal servitude" and showered with the certain type of attention that I have sought. Like every time I have gotten a reply to a blog or a vlog, a distinct "feeling" of accomplishment, as if I am worth something now, because of my deep introspection. Well disguised ego, as it turns out. Maybe not even well disguised, but easy to believe as a being that defines himself according to what I have done, instead of who I actually am, here.

It really permeates virtually everything that I have done, and it is only missed because it is the bulk of what consists of "me" or who I believe myself to be. The basis for "who I am."

Are my blogs entries actually an action that is sorting me out, an actual expression of who I am, or is it just another ploy to give the illusion that I am something more than who I am? I know the instant that I am participating in this self-judgment, but have been living upon the hope that I am better than that.

So much attention upon the content of what I am putting out there, and whether or not it can be misconstrued or judged wrongly, and what it comes down to is that someone will actually see me for who I am. Which is what I have feared from the beginning.

Some of the reasons for fear of exposure are:

Fear of exposure, fear of changing, fear of commitment, fear of losing my life that I have gotten so accustomed to, fear of giving up certain comforts or luxuries, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of persecution. Each of these fears support the other fears to exist and are dependent upon on another to exist. So what it boils down to is that I fear the destruction of this being that I have come to know as "who I am." That equals fear of death, and oddly enough it also means that I fear life. The same exact fear in which I have separate definitions are the same thing. That is that i fear self, and self-exposure,because it means the death of "me."
Smother life so that death may not reach it. Interesting.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

If we are not enjoying our existence, then there is 'something' that must be remedied, we are to come to an agreement that we are all participating in whatever it takes to make that a reality here in this very moment. Every moment.
The things that support those things that allow all beings to enjoy this moment here, eternally. Otherwise, it is only supports abuse of this existence, eternally.
Obviously for existence to enjoy itself, I must be an active participant within that existence, because I am existence.
So I "ask," am i enjoying this moment? If not, then what can I do that would promote enjoyment of this moment? It is possible. So I don't even have to ENTERtain any notions that it cannot be asCERTAINed.
Invariably, only one thing can equal my eternal enjoyment, and that can only be that all beings equally enjoy this moment here.
If it does not promote equal enjoyment of all beings within existence, eternally here, then obviously, it can not be 'enjoyment.' The "fruits" of an act can only bear fruit equal to the source from which it came. So it MUST be nothing except that which is and will always be the source of all beings' enjoyment.
Is it a chore to enjoy oneself? Is trying to enjoy oneself, enjoying oneself? Is searching for more enjoyment, enjoying oneself? No. Of course not, because if one were actually enjoying this moment, then it is already here, and does not have to be sought to be maintained, because it exists as it already. Nor can it be any other thing than the eternal enjoyment of all beings within existence. Which can only start here as that.
That is a unique, yet unlimited existence, and it cannot be acquired. Only lived as this moment. It is not even something that can be talked about because nothing else really could exist but that if it would exist at all. It wouldn't be talked about because there would be literally, NOTHING ELSE but it. Enjoyment.
So it wouldn't be enjoyment anymore, it would simply be existence.
What is enjoyment but SELF. Self-honesty, self-intimacy.
It is the belief that it can be anything other than that that forbids its existence. "I'm trying to enjoy myself" is just an excuse to not allow enjoyment to exist within oneself, as oneself.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do things my way. At the same time, if I am to stand it has to be for myself, as myself.
I'm realizing that desteni has been drawing the proverbial line in the sand. Either you're with us or you're not. Weeding out fence sitters. It's an incredibly difficult thing for me to face on so many levels.
But, in essence, it boils down to ego. Still hanging onto the sense of being my own person and doing things in my own way, because somehow it appears more valuable to me.
There are ways that i can do it "my way" and it also be what is best for all. Because what is real is what originates from who I am within and as each moment. So it is always, "my way," already, and I can not claim that it anyone is responsible for the "way" I am.
To stand for equality for eternally, can only be proven throughout eternity. One moment here.
Ironically, I not actually 'being controlled', I've just been allowing it, because I've been clinging to that as an excuse as to why I do not stand.
I do see, but have pretended that I don't, so that I can continue as this charade. Just plain pretending that another reality exists. The one that I pretend to be real. That who I am is who I've pretended to be, and what I believe is real.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

yes, if one deals with the consequences of one's actions here, then the action and the consequence are one and the same.
what one does here IS the the immediate consequence of one's actions. It is what one becomes, what one allows self to exist as; within existence.
I've certain statements to be crucial information, and I'm now realizing that it really is about who I am here. then it is instantaneously a reality.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Looking at the point of Christianity. The vast majority of christians believe that in order to be a christian, one must believe in the bible, and everything in the bible. But if we have a look at the bible, it is other people telling stories about god and jesus, and what not. None of the central figures actually had any part in authoring what is in the bible.

So the bible is a handful of stories from individual perspectives, and the way that each of them interpret what happened, and the meaning behind what happened. Now, how is that any different than me giving my perspectives on my friend Steve. Can I truly give anyone an accurate description of what Steve stood for and who Steve was without it being tainted with my own subjective observations?

Not any different than the media today. It is all presented as a point of view; interpretation, perception, assumption.

Did Jesus ever say he was God? If he did, from what context was he speaking? If he said, "do unto others as one would have done unto oneself," and lived the words he spoke, then God, in the bible, is not equal to the message of Jesus.

The message of equality; I am You are me. We are equal. IN FACT, all equally god of what is allowed within existence as oneself. If the message is not equality, then it is not Jesus' message.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

getting caught up on changing the world by controlling the circumstance, and not realizing that one is frustrated because one can't make what is impossible possible.

It is impossible to change another or the circumstance. Getting frustrated and fed up with another or the circumstance at hand is allowing others to control who one is. Relinquishing self-control altogether.

it is a stating that I need circumstances need to be exactly as I wish them to be, otherwise I am not happy...satisfied, etc.

It's all just ideals that I have seen are possible, yet will only exist if I exist when things are "perfect." That is a moment that does not exist. What is here exists; common sense. So 'how' am I existing here? Eternally here?

I cannot control the situation, I can only remain true to who I am here. Things are eternally changing, and if I allow any situation change who I am here, then I am actually just nothing at all, because I exist as nothing, standing for nothing.

Friday, April 29, 2011

There's a peculiar feeling, a feeling or perhaps a belief that there is something to achieve. Something that hasn't quite yet been reached. This is the thing that has driven me to follow its promptings. Even though I have "understood" that fact, that something outside of me is driving me, I have just accepted it as who i am.

Within that, I am coincidentally existing as "not yet here", because it is obvious that within that belief, I have 'created' my existence to be that of "not yet here." Therefore, what is actually here is disregarded in exchange for what I believe instead. Which means that I only exist within and as a belief. Not who or what I am, only illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to get somewhere. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am what I believe myself to be - incomplete, 'not yet arrived'. I am here, I have always been here. I have arrived where I have taken myself or allowed myself to be taken, and that is here.

til here no further. There is simply no other way that one can be within reality as reality.
All this stuff that I am writing is only information. As I'm writing as who I am here, that is the only matter; who I am here.

"Yeah but..." - the justification and allowance of self to continue without self-responsibilty. to continue participation in "new" and 'curious' trains of thoughts. Knowledge without action - useless.

The action is here. This being's action here.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

This process of writing in my blog should be about me discovering me. I've noticed that I've been reserved when it comes to just writing without censoring what it is that I actually am going through, because of a perceived need to be correct in what I say.

It's conditioning from far back, like when I raised my hand in class and got the correct answer. A sense of accomplishment for being correct. I am better than the others that 'don't know' mentality. A general feeling of superiority.

Much of my aim behind doing blogs has been that same drive to show the class that I am "smart," and therefore superior. So it has been mandatory to make sure that I only raise my hand when I'm really sure that I have the correct answer. Logically speaking, the more that I answer correctly, the more everyone will see that indeed I am one of the smartest.

I can think back to maybe fifth grade when Mrs. Marsh would give us opportunities to answer questions, and I would raise my hand on almost every question, and that made me feel special. That specialness that warrants special treatment from others, which is the core of my relationship patterns.

That is key, because it is what I have been seeking within my interaction within the world. Literally, every move has had the goal of "proving" that I'm special, and that has been the prime motivatior in regards to my involvement with desteni.

Seeking acceptance and approval from desteni, so I've done things to 'show' that I am onboard, but that means that the starting point is seeking acceptance and approval.

The only acceptance is self-acceptance, and I have yet to remain here as who I am, because I have believed that who I am here is not enough.

Not enough? A ridiculous notion, because I am exactly that which I am equal to. Equal to EVERYTHING that exists as I exist here.

How can one become a different program from within and as one's current programming? Impossible- the base program supercedes any new programming that one attempts to introduce because one is already running within and as the base program.

None of the old can be trusted, because it has proven to be unreliable at best. This programming, the values I have given to anything, my hopes, wants, and fears, my interpretations, likes and dislikes, all of it, I've accepted and allowed to direct my every move. The things that have driven me, what I believed to be freewill, is nothing of the sort.

What I believed to be my individuality are really strings, each one allowed to exist, because I thought they were the things that kept me free from restraint. How ironic it is when one realizes that all of those hopes, dreams, fears, etc. are the things that keep people enslaved.
"Love" for instance: Is there anything within this world that possesses a being, and dictates their every move more extensively?

For christ's sake, they even have movies and romantic literature, that apparently shows how much someone loves another because they are driven to suicide and or murder for various reasons. Is that any different than a heroin or meth addict?

Before they met everything was fine. Afterwards, could never be apart, otherwise, great sickness, physical discomfort, murderous and suicidal tendencies -all common side effects.

It's generally recognized as a serious medical condition for drug addicts. But for those "in love" with the same exact symptoms, it is regarded as acceptable, and even noble to feel so deeply for someone. Bullshit. I've been "in love", infatuated, and I know how miserable I was. All I could do was think about 'her' fears of losing her, etc.

I actually believed that I would not be able to live without her. As if she were as important to my existence as water. Is that any different than a junkie?...I can hear the arguments now, "yeah, but that's different..."

"Yeah buts", in my experience, are people defending their way of life and or belief system. People just do not want to hear anything that requires actual change. Of course, I am speaking of myself.

As the system that is currently my base programming, rule number one is to preserve itself above all any attempt at hacking into the programming will be met with emergency procedures that prevent any major alterations of the base program(s).

As I'm looking at it here, approval/acceptance construct emerged from within the belief that I am "less than". Self-judgment virtually every moment of this life. Never satified, because it has all been viewed as "in relationship" to something else, in order assign to myself a specific value.
It's all meaningless, yet I have not yet proved that to myself, because I have not stopped assuming that life can only be experienced by and as measuring and assigning value to myself and each experience.

The image of a guy running around measuring everything in existence in order to understand it comes up, because it's literally the same meaningless pursuit.

I mean, okay now that I've catalogued the measurement of everything in existence, do I really have any more understanding of existence? Absolutely not, it's just a bunch of information, even if the measurements are correct.

Does knowing the heighth of a mighty Redwood really explain to me the experience of visiting the Redwoods? Likewise, does knowing my heighth in relation to a redwood, change either myself or the redwood?
Answers to these questions are to be lived as oneself. Answering questions is theory. What is lived is law.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Jack's video "introduction to desteni" gave me a moment of "pause" when he talked about self-honesty. He said that self-honesty, from a mind's standpoint can never deliver one through process, or something to that effect.

I thought I understood that point, but I haven't yet stopped the mind, and yet I've been trying to get to a point of equality as a mind consciousness system. Oblivious, to what I was actually doing. Moving as a mind consciousness system can only perpetuate that system.

Stopping the mind...stop participating in the values, judgments, and assumptions, within this moment here. Remain here. Here is where I reside. See what is here. I am here.

Remaining here, without consciously trying to remain here, because within trying to remain here, knowledge is accessed as something separate from me.

To just let go of knowledge and to actually be here as who I actually am should not require anything whatsoever. Therefore it is not something that can be obtained or taken away, it just is. But knowing this and moving from that point of knowledge is not moving as life, but as knowledge. Something that is fixed and rigid, because behind it all is a clinging to knowledge; knowledge that does not apply to what is here, because what is here is ME.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use knowledge as my starting point, instead of who I am here.

Just like using a map to navigate, the map is useless until one's location is first established.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The point that comes up is Desteni. Like I've been testing the waters, and haven't decided on getting in, and actually swimming and immersing myself within and as process.

It is within the current relationship in which I have defined, that holds me back. I've been lacking self-trust because I have not stood like I believed I would. From a mind's perspective is born self-deceit.

I've been hesitant to express exactly who I am here because a fear of backlash. I already have the tools available to stand.

There is such a huge resistance to expressing, out of fear of shame and fear of failure.

I must prove to myself that I can be trusted, in whatever way is the most efficient way for that to be real as myself. To walk through this process for myself.

I've found for me that it has been ineffective to first say what my intentions are. Because that often implies that I am in an imaginary future within the mind. Therefore, already failing to live up to the original intention. Like in the case of me trying to walk process, and claiming or implying that now I'm going to really start process with fervor.

To start process implies that I am not already engaged in process.

The things that I have wanted to happen with regards to my relationship with desteni has not played out like the movie in my head. I was looking for something more idealistic than what has been occuring, and this is the background interpretation of reality that has become part of my being.

So there is an underlying disappointment and unsatisfied existence, because I've been completely distracted by the imaginary relationships that I attempt to cultivate and preserve.

One could say that I fear being rejected for not standing as the words I speak. Because, thus far, I have not proved to myself that I can stand or that I even have the will to stand; and that is key to being effective within process.

The key to standing? Stand. Self-trust is inevitable if one keeps standing.
I heard someone say to put others first before yourself. How about put everyone first instead?

As I started this blog entry, I realized that the reason that I wanted to write, was to "gather evidence" in an attempt to become well versed and be able to present common sense points, accurately and precisely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "be careful" about how I present a point.

If it is best for everyone involved, then any objections will be from those that are deluded. So being "careful" will only present to the world, reality, which is that I am "carefully"
maneuvering. Not "natural". Unreal, and therefore also deluded, because I can only see what I am presenting, and not what I actually am.

I have often come to write in order to capture a realization or certain "truths" that can be counted upon as valid information. And it is just that. Information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to collect information, with an intent to present it as information at a later time, to persuade another into seeing what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what is real needs to be presented in a certain manner, such as coaxing someone into seeing reality.

What is real already stands as what is real. If one cannot already see what is real, then it is very unlikely that it can be explained anyway. Not coaxing. But living within and as this reality, here within every moment.

Can reality really be explained to someone? A ridiculous notion, to those who already manufacture another world in which is only "real" to them.

Likewise, if I do not represent what is real, then it is impossible to convey any "message of reality." Duh.

Really, one can only see for oneself, and then do what is necessary to be done. That IS the message. What it is that I am here. That is the only message that I can ever communicate. The message is me. Hehehehe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the pattern of thinking that I must fix the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn away from who I am here, and focus on what is out there, and apparently needs "fixing", according to the pattern that I have established for myself as myself.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I don't 'really' want "the search" to be over. An automated drive to find out what is happening, even though there is nothing to find out. I have not been able to accept that there is nowhere but here. Even though there is an actual world here in which to interact, the pattern has been to search for everything that does not exist here.

When put it that context, its an absolutely pointless pursuit; it can never be realized, because the nature of its "existence" is that it does not exist.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

This relationship thingy; the desire to be desired and be treated as the most important thing on the planet is so ingrained. I see it within almost every thought that comes up. It's a desire to cultivate others' opinions and ideas of me; which is an attempt to give myself worth, according to the world's view of worth.

Buying into the idea that opinions are real and have real worth.

Really, I've seen potential relationships with beings at Desteni as being more important than the process of self-realization. It is almost comical that I didn't catch it from the start, but honestly, I put too much value into the prospect of having 'real' friends, to realize what I was actually doing.

So I find myself in what I see as a sort of paradox; I want support, but with support, I find that if I am not aware, that the "relationship potential construct" is activated and process takes a back seat, while presenting self as "worthy" becomes the main focus.

I've previously recognized that I was creating a codependent relationship with my sister, a few years ago, in which I could call her up and she would "be there" for me to talk about how difficult it was to be me.
It gave both of us a sense of worth. Her for "being there" and me for being a "deep, sensitive, introspective" person. Obviously, that same system is still in place.

Relationships based upon the image that I have wished to portray unto the world. This is at the core of the self-judgment construct. A constant monitoring of "status" within the relationship goes hand in hand with self-judgment.

For instance, if I were learning to walk, and someone was there to assist me in learning to walk, then walking would take a back seat, because having someone there to support me would be given more value than actually walking.

So this "learning time" becomes my modus operandi, and actually walking is something that will never happen, because it is a closed loop, and 'walking' is not a part of the loop. Actually walking would imply that "learning time" is over, which translates to the end of a relationship. This whole construct is based upon building and maintaining realtionships, and within that construct, I will never walk, because I am not willing to "give up" on the relationship in order to do so.

Who I am here has been totally disregarded because what I 'have' or 'don't have' has held my attention instead.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

I have been stuck within a mechanism of 'building' relationships, instead of realizing that I am here. A relationship is built in order to illicit a particular set pattern of behavior.
The type of relationship I've tried to illicit from Desteni is an "acceptance."

That is why I have sought to prove that I "understand"; that I'm "on board", so that I could get the ' "oh yeah, he understands-he's one us us"-response; or to prove that I am at a 'certain' place within process. To get an approval nod. To be part of an inner circle. So that I may get special treatment as an insider.

As if to say, "hey, look at me! Aren't you proud of me? Aren't you amazed at how well I'm doing, and how much I understand?"

This relationship with Desteni started almost immediately. Just as a relationship starts, I was excited to have found people that were talking about things that interested me. REAL things. I knew how "special" Desteni is, and so I pursued 'clinching' the rare gem. So securing a 'relationship' was my main concern, and 'who I am here' was "lost" within the attention given to the 'relationship', instead.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Today I was deliberately exposing myself in an imaginary. transition phase/shuffling phase in which I am trying to "find" myself. It is an effective way to remain here. I've been ignoring the shuffling phase, because I saw it as the distance that must be traveled to arrive at my destination.

Instead of seeing that I am already here. There is never anywhere to 'get to'. Nor any way to 'be', because I am already 'that' in which I am here, the only way that I can direct what is here, is to, first, be what is here. That is common sense.

If I cannot even direct this being here, then I am just along for the ride with no direction of my own will.