Sunday, October 2, 2011

I've used blogs as a sort of confessional or tool to excuse myself from self-responsibility. For others to see, not just simply exposing myself, but efforts toward getting others to approve of my actions and who I am. As if to say, "look at me, I'm doing the right things."
I've been deathly scared of criticism or negative feedback, and so I haven't really exposed who I am. Only parts of me that support the image I have been so keen on proving, and releasing vlogs or blog that will promote positive feedback.
To be accepted as something that I believe will be well received. I've not wanted to be held accountable for my actions, so I've done things to disguise self as something else, and misconstrue the actual nature of who I am. Because I have seen who I am and I do actually realize that what I have allowed is unacceptable, yet I don't want to actually stand and take self-responsibility.
I've been too focused upon what I am losing, rather than who it is that I am and what it is that I am participating in.
Energy has been spent on getting people to believe in who I am portraying myself to be, as if that will somehow make me that. It's been like a constant explanation of me, instead of just exposing me so that all can see.
Likewise, it has been the same for myself, a constant explanation of who I am to myself, but obviously, there is no need to explain myself to me, because I am already that.
The major message that I have been telling myself and others is that I am greater than who I am. An impossibility, yet nonetheless, has infiltrated and directed me to do the things I have done through my own allowance of the belief that I can be something other than who I already am.
Looking at it here, shows me that virtually every action I have been involved in has been geared toward proving that I am greater than or something other than this being here. It should be blatantly obvious that that is not possible, and quite ridiculous and pointless to insinuate that I am anything, because it is self-evident who and what I am already.

No comments: