Friday, May 30, 2008

I have become the manifestation of judgment. Striving to be judged as worthy by all of existence.
It is the very thing that I have allowed to direct me in my every movement. To be judged as a good person, good guitarist, good climber, good looking. confident, strong, caring, loving, good friend, good worker, intelligent, wise, an individual, independent, nice body, white teeth, masculine, solid, daring, unashamed of myself, sensitive, nice, good at all things, capable of anything. All that I have seen as having value has been that in which I have tried to prove to the world that I am all of these things. For me to just be who I am within this moment, with no thought or care of how I may be judged has been the hardest thing in my life to realise. For the sake of judgment has been by cause for living. In so doing I have become almost entirely of judgment. My entire being, that of judgment. The world is also manifested judgment, just as I have become within. So I have feared the judgment of the world, for I am quite aware of how harshly I have judged the world.
Through forgiveness of myself and of others that judge me, may I be rid of the judgment that exists within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become nearly the pure manifestation of judgment within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be directed by my own self judgment that has become one within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be directed by the fear of judgment of others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that allowing a little judgment to direct me is acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge others by the judgment that exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to act in ways to avoid judgment of others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to push myself to become better than others to avoid negative judgments of others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that positive judgments can exist without the negative judgments that accompany positive judgments.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself so harshly, that the expression of myself has been suppressed so extensively.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to embrace the expression of me within and as this moment.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I have failed to realise that the kid that would not shut the hell up last night, the one that annoyed the hell out of me, was really just me experiencing me as expressing or suppressing the expression of annoyance. It was all my own doing for accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to the annoyance within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as one and equal to annoyance. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that is was my own acceptance of myself to exist as annoyance that caused me to experience myself as annoyed.
If I am to look at what annoyed me about this kid, I may realise that judgement of myself in comparison to him is the cause of this annoyance. I judged him to be loud and a know it all. What basis does this judement have? In comparison to what? Judgement is the action that is performed based on knowledge true or false. If an action is performed from the starting point of judgememnt, true or false, it is still an action performed in self dishonesty. It still holds true that if in every moment, the starting point of movement is not within self honesty, then it is deception of self. Assumptions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge others out of knowledge that I hold within me that I have believed to be true.
I forgive myself that I haven't realised that within every moment, there only exists either self honesty or self deception.
If every moment is not seized as self honesty, then it becomes self deception, however sleight it may be, it is still deceiving self.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Being here. This is all of existence. The experience of all of existence exists here. What I currently experience is here. Things of the past or what I choose to focus my attention upon is brought here by me. Do I mean to say ignore what exists? Not at all. But how we act here is the entire experience of existence in its entirety. What problems do I face here? Remembering the problems of yesterday does nothing to increase your ability to deal with a similar situation. Do the problems of yesterday still exist here? In choosing to see the problems of yesterday here, the choice is made to carry those problems here. If you had dealt poorly with those problems yesterday. Then leave your dealings yesterday with the problems of yesterday. What is here? The problems of yesterday do nothing to assist you in dealing with the problems here. Feeling bad about the way you acted yesterday to a particular problem only creates feeling bad here. It does nothing to better equip you with the dealings of here. This is only hanging on to the knowledge of the past. To hang on to a concept of what you must do the next time somebody does something similar, only locks you into a program. Memories keep us enslaved. What is here? Where does yesterday exist here? Clinging to a memory of who you think somebody is only traps you into reacting a certain way toward this person. this is also what we do to ourselves. The memory of who we think we are only traps us into acting as who who think we are. We have spent our entire lives trying to define ourselves. This defining of ourselves turns us into machines. We act in a certain fashion to uphold that in which we have decided is desireable traits and have clung to that idea of ourselves. This locks us in to a particular way of being. No longer are we free to express ourselves as the expression of life, but only that in which we have allowed ourselves to believe is who we are. Enslaved by ourselves, because we have believed that predictablility keeps us safe from the unknown. We have reduced our lives of infinite expression to that of a cog in a clock. Our movement predetermined by the machine that we have called ourselves. Yes and we go out of our way to prove our point to the world. If you do so and so, I do this. Because I know exactly who I am, so take heed and know that I will never change. So you must also become predictable when in my presence, because I act only a certain way, because I have a personality. I am unique. I have spent my entire life defining myself and have become quite proud of who I have become, so don't do anything to change that. These are my boundaries. Do not cross them. You stay within your boundaries and I stay within mine and we can all be blissfully predictable.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I have been asking myself questions about living as the honest expression of me as all as one as equal. Just allowing life to direct me. This would involve being here and living within this very moment as life of life. What exactly does this mean?... Being anything besides who I am in this very moment is an impossibility. If I were to look at the situation honestly, I would realise that in allowing life to direct me, I become one with life. That to pick and choose what is of life is but a futile attempt at rationalisation of life. It is still within this very moment that life is lived. Having thoughts of leaving society or attempting to rid myself of dependence of society and money is the very thing that has kept me enslaved to these very manifestations that I have let rule over me in the first place. This does not compute within and as the mind. Which is the reason for my perplexity in how I should conduct myself in the future. Trying to pick a path that is one and equal with life is but a contradiction in the very nature of life. There is still only this moment in which to live. How I am to conduct myself is to be conducted within every moment and not figured out beforehand. That type of behaviour is a program. Life decides how life shall be lived. We have, through our insecurities of what may or may not happen, have attepmted to dominate over life. To control life. To make life predictable in an effort to be secure.
This could be interpretted as foolishness. But what life would have us do might not make any sense at all. Why does a squirrel collect nuts before winter is at hand. Does he continually live in stress, constantly wondering if he's going to have enough stores for the winter? Common sense would tell me that he is directed by life to collect nuts, so he collects nuts. This is his only direction within the moment, and in being directed by life, he is supports life. Often enough, the squirrel may become a meal for a fox or a hawk. Is this to say that either life is more important than the other? Absolutely not. Life directs life to consume and be consumed by life. This is the natural order of things. It is our own unwillingness to be directed by life, out of fear of death that keeps us enslaved. We have believed that only certain ways of dying are acceptable. That we are above nature. That in choosing the way in which we die is better than allowing nature to consume us. We have chosen to remove ourselves from nature. We would rather put our bodies within a box or cremate it, to remove the flesh, that is our bodies, from supporting the very life that has supported us.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

We are constantly chasing something down. What is it that we must constantly look for? For most it is something greater than our present experience of ourselves. We can see it in almost everything that is done by the human race. Have a look at religion. Why do people strive to to become "better" people? Whatever it is that people are chasing, it is all the same thing whether or not we admit it to ourselves. People go to church to experience a better feeling. It feels good to get high on Jesus. People get drunk or consume drugs, either illicit or prescription, to experience themselves as high. The present experience of themselves is not enough. The same can be said for anything. Sport of any kind is all about achieving a higher standard; becoming higher or greater than we once were. Feeling better about ourselves because we have accomplished something is the common theme among anything that we have chosen to pursue in our lives.Relationships, cars, sex, watching movies, exercising, studying and learning. It is all still just the same thing. We have no sense of who we are, so we must constantly find something greater than what we currently experience as ourselves.Me for example in my current process often feel like I must figure out a way that I can communicate my latest realisations to other people. To help them in their own lives. Often this is done for the same reason that people volunteer to help people in third world countries. It makes us feel like we have purpose, or have some worth. It makes us feel important, like we are more than the drunk idiot that used to waste his life away in a bottle. But is it truly any different? Can we not see that it is really just the same. It is all for ourselves, to make us feel better.Can we not see that we, as who we are, is an infinite expression? That no matter what we do, we are still the essence of life within and that this is an infinte expression. We are infinite within finiteness. We believe that we can make our lives better by spreading peace and love. But a world of love and peace can never exist as long as there is anything within us besides who we are as one and equal with the entirety of existence. This is the expression of life. Anything else is just a mechanism that we have come to believe as ourselves. The thoughts, feelings and emotions that we let direct our lives is the embodiment of slavery. We are only the self honesty that exists within us. Being this self honesty within each moment IS the expression of life. Anything besides this self honesty is deception and exists in our willingness to participate in the thoughts, feelings and emotions by letting these manifestations direct us within our lives.
Seeing the stubborness and obstacles that people cannot let go of in their lives is something that I have let myself become impatient with. I have become annoyed at people for not just being honest with themselves and with me. But if I were to honestly look at the situation, I would realise that it is I that choose to become annoyed and in choosing to become annoyed, I only perpetuate the dishonesty within themselves. This originates from a desire to catch someone in the act of being dishonest. To prove that I am more superior because "I'm more self honest than you" mentality. People enjoy feeling intelligent, and often when someone has realised something about themselves, it is their intellect that gets the credit for the realisation. Feeling good about themselves because they are so smart type of thing. Often I have been there to only be impatient with their ramblings on about their intellect. Once again, my impatience and resistance toward this only allows the situation to exist and continue as existing within this world. It is so easy to fall into the trap of feeling like "I did it before you" or "I got here first" or "I'm so far ahead of you". If honestly looked at I can see that it is the allowance of my own desire to feel superior to everyone. The wanting to be god that has kept this world existing as I have allowed it to exist. Yes, the wanting to be god separates me from all of that in which I am one and equal to. Oftentimes, also I have felt contempt for someone in honestly expresing myself. For example, if I had said something like "I have been so concerned about what other people think about me", and the person I am talking to says, "I don't care about what anybody thinks about me". It is plain to see that this is nothing but their ego talking, and instead of me just realising that it is what they have allowed theirselves to believe and being one within the situation, I have let the anger that exists within to direct me in the situation. Or maybe even the ego that exists and to myself say "hmmph, yeah right. I'm so much higher than you. I'm a realised being and you're not." It might not all make sense, but it doesn't have to. Self-honesty in and within every moment is who I am. It IS self realisation. It IS the expression of life as all as one as equal.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

At the moment I am quite content to just be here. I don't have much need to express. I also don't feel much need to progress in my own self awareness or self realisation. I am quite sure that the process of self realisation is at the point that I am able to realise within this moment. That is good enough for right now. I almost wonder what happened to the being that was so concerned with achieving something greater and proving to the world that I have worth. It is nice to know that I have the ability to let go of the concerns and worries of the world. To be able to say I don't really care. I do know that I have much process left to go through. As I still find myself participating within and as the mind. Yet, at this moment, the urgency of letting go has left me. Just being self honest is the process. Self honesty is me. So I practice being me. The desire to excell is not part of the process. As the process naturally progresses within self honesty.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I went to Smith Rock for about 3 days and I realised there that the more attractive a person is, the more influence they have over me. There was a girl there that looked very much like Angleina Jolie. She was very pretty and I found myself just wanting to look at her and imaginations of touching her and her body had my attention. I allow girls in general to have much power over me. I value their friendship because it makes me feel accepted. When a pretty girl likes me, I allow that to tell me that I'm worth something. The thought of being in a relationship with a beautiful girl has kept me enslaved since I was five years old or younger. Quite possibly, it has been my most secretive and most extensive desire that is within me. The desire for the loving touch of a beautiful girl has enthralled me. I pretend that I have no desire for this. That girls have no effect upon me, however, deep within it is truly the most extensive system of enslavement that I have allowed to exist within. Giving up the fantasy of a realtionship with a girl that has a beautiful body and beautiful face has been something that I have not allowed myself to forsake. I have absolutely clinged to the thought of the perfect girl. The best of every quality in a human being. Health, beauty, intelligence, understanding. and undivided adoration is what I have craved for years. These are all things I have sought outside of myself. I know that fighting the feelings that are within only compound the desire. So just being aware of those feelings without trying to hide them nor letting them direct me is how the feelings and thoughts can be stopped. Non participation within the mind as the mind. This goes for everything that I have let lead me around in search of happiness. The things that I like to do has kept me enslaved by staying just out of reach. To do as I wish when I wish has had my full attention. A continuous pursuit of the things that I have allowed to believe bring forth happiness. From rock climbing to guitar to women and a family of my own. Things that I recognise as not existing in vast amounts in my life. Also the things I have believed to be too plentiful in my life has also kept me enslaved by trying to escape that in which I think I need to be rid of to finally be happy. Things such as authority and oppression and bills. Which really is the same manifestation as searching for that in which I lack. Lack of freedom and control over my own destiny. These things keep me occupied by believeing that I cannot truly be me until I have eliminated these things in my life. Either chasing those things that I have felt I have lacked or running from the things that I have felt that exist in overabundance. It is all the same deception that keeps me participating within and as the mind consciousness system that I have allowed to exist within me by simply being a willing participant in the deception that I can eliminate the mind by being of the mind. Even the thought of freeing myself from the mind has also kept me enslaved. The mind is relentless and continues to exist as hunger and thirst for something more. Something more profound or better than the present experience. If I could only....then I could finally rest in peace. Peace cannot exist by allowing the thought of peace to direct the movement of myself. Just as love cannot exist by letting love direct the movement of myself. These things are manifestations of the mind. The illusion that these things are the things we must manifest in our lives to become happy is the very thing that keeps us enslaved. The thought that we can become more loving or more peaceful than we already are has us circling that which we already are. So we never give ourselves any chance of realising the true nature of ourselves. We instead exist as anxiety, fear, want, and need. Only by forgiving ourselves of the illusions that we have held as beyond who we are already do we realise ourselves as who we really are. Life as the essence of life as all as one being , equal in every way. All one or alone as who we are.

I understand that this can appear to be madness by those that have no experience of what I am talking about. Logic would tell us that we are all separate because we have no control over what other beings do. But in this very belief, we have already decided that this is reality. So quite naturally, this is how the world is experienced. Our past knowledge of who we have "proven" ourselves to be remains the image of who we are. We act on this "knowledge" of who we are, believing ourselves separate and only responsible for the things that we, ourselves do as the human body. We keep oursleves separate because we act upon the idea that we are separate, which reinforces the idea that we are separate.
There are times that I feel urgency to communicate certain points of realisation of myself to other beings. Thoughts and imaginations that a better experience of who I am actually exists moves me to become something more than I am through my acceptance and allowance that I am not already that in which I seek to exist as me. I have realised that those things that in which are sought are all manifestations of the mind. That I am solely already who I am in it's entirety, but those things that are not of me, that I have believed to be me have kept me from realising who I am as existence in it's entirety. It is not about becoming something, but about releasing all that I have allowed to exist as me. All knowledge that I have believed to be me and have allowed myself to become one with is all that has kept me from being simply me as who I am as all of existence as all as one as equal. I am only here. Anything else that exists within and as me is illusion. It is all the mind telling me that I am only the mind and that who I am is nothing. That who I have allowed myself to become is who I really am. That all that I have added to this being is my true self. That I must hang on to those things that I have become because I will surely cease to exist without these things.
I realise that some things that I express will not make any sense to those that are listening, because they have many thoughts as to what they believe reality to be. The things that I express as myself will sound like delusions of reality. That in concept maybe true, but in application within this existence cannot sustain me. The fear of death or starvation or of no security within this life will ring out as red flags that I have truly lost any concept of reality. Yes, my world will crumble before my very eyes in an attempt to get me to heed to the illusion of mind. But in reality, this will be how things must occur for me to realise the self trust that exists as me. There are already signs that my family and friends around me will not accept the things that I have come to realise as anything less than delusional beliefs or blind faith in concepts that have come from some source other than myself. By design, my world will increasingly put enormous pressure on me to come back to "reality". To do anything possible to help me to realise that I am mistaken and that they actually know what the truth is. They may believe that they are saving me from myself because I have become delusional. What they may not realise is the fact that their fears of me having nothing substantial to ensure that my future will be secure will produce all that they fear in my future. Yes, their very fears of me having nothing will manifest me having nothing. Their fears of me having great hardships to face will produce the very hardships that they so desparately fear for me. The worries that they believe will result from my lack of worry about the future will produce all that they worry about. What they may not realise is that their worry of future events will cause every event to manifest into the future. This might be what it takes for them to realise that they are the cause of the world that exists. As each of us here will come to realise that we are everything that exists within this world. Inside and out, we are truly everything and everybody, and that what is inside creates what is outside, because there is no inside or outside. There is only here as all of existence as one being. All of existence equal to that which is within each of us. All of us singularly and equally responsible for all that exists within and as this world.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Being as I am is being a new being in every moment. Within every moment who I am is essentially who I have come to realise is me. Not necessarily who I know to be me but rather an unveiling or discovery of myself. What I find is new in the sense that I really have not a clue as to who I am until I am that which I am. In other words I find out who I am in the moment that I experience myself being who I am. This is much different than having an image of who I am. Images exist as past manifestations. My life can be likened to that of water. As a newborn, I was free flowing with no limitation as to my movement and flow. But as I began defining myself, the free flowing water became as ice. Solid and predetermined with little variance in my interaction with existence. But as I release the ideas that I once believed to be me, once again I return to the natural state of my free flowing expression. The block of ice is returning to the freedom of expression in any circumstance. Unpredictable, yet constant in my expression as who I am.

What I have realised as most significant is what has actually enslaved mankind. It is what we perceive as lacking in our lives that enslaves us. Let's have a look shall we? Money is an obvious manifestation that people desire more of. We do anything we can do to obtain more money. It holds our attention and keeps us preoccupied in finding new ways to satisfy our hunger. Does anybody ever come to a point in their lives when they say to themselves that they have enough? Not many; this is plain to see. Then there are the things that people have overlooked as the same thing. Things such as love. Does anybody ever say I have enough love in my life? Does the search for more love ever cease? Not too often. Peace? Same story. This can be illustrated in everything we feel we lack. These things have enslaved man from the start. there aren't too many people that feel like they need more evil, or sickness. or death. Yes there are a few at the upper end of power spectrum that understand that producing more evil and more poverty produces the positive end of the stick for themselves. This is a simple mathematical equation that has been used to keep certain elite in power. This is still enslavement as they have enslaved themselves to continue to want even more and more. This is where self honesty plays a crucial role in determining whether or not we are enslaved by those things that we have decided that we haven't enough. I have realised that mostly my entire life has been about obtaining those things that I have believed I lack. Not enough friends, not enough attention, sex, drugs, happiness, freedom, justice, comfort, fun, understanding, fame, beauty, time, knowledge, wisdom, intelligence, and possibly infinte manifestations of the mind hold our attention and turn the free flowing water into that of ice. Bound and rigid, trapped by our desire to hang on to the illusion of scarcity. Even life itself has enslaved us. For we have no choice in this matter. We cannot choose to not be life. We cannot choose not to exist. In a very real sense, the only freedom is knowing that we are enslaved and that there is no escaping who we are. There is no where to run and hide, because no matter where we go or what we do, we are still life and are bound to life. Life persists as life as life directs life to remain life. Can one decide to not breathe? It becomes this simple. We are who we are through and through. We are life. We are existence. As we choose to forsake that which we have defined as us, including that which we have defined as life, we amalgamate as the enitrety of existence.

Monday, May 5, 2008

We are our home. We are the moment we live. We are here, all of us. Nothing of the future is here. We are us now. Who we are now is who we become in an instant. Within this breath is the expression of life we have chosen to be and live. Who is within this breath? It is us. We are this very breath. This very moment. We all change within one being's change. Are we anticpation? Are we need? Are we desire? Are we lack of? Are we overfull? Are we fear? Are we questioning?
Are we bewilderment? Are we loss? Are we searching? Are we full of love? Are we loneliness? Are we preparation? Are we insecurity? Are we oppression? Are we higher? Are we hiding? Are we anything but here? Are we anything but us? Is there anything that can be done to escape us? Is there anything that can be done to escape here? We are what we be. Live us. Breathe us.

Later today...
I've been watching my thoughts come up. It is almost comical how predictable the mind is. Continually producing thoughts of things like how I will act in the future to execute a perfect plan to act impeccably. Then it flashes back to a past event that I had executed perfectly. A constant attempt at gaining my attention. How to act perfectly later......then how perfectly I acted once....Then if that doesn't work it goes to not to act later.....then how I messed up once....Of course the result is the same in all cases, which is participation in its game. Play with me, play with me. It's fun to live in the mind it says. You don't have to be here, it's boring here. The world I can manufacture for you is much more exciting. Fantasies and all sorts of thoughts to get out of the boring moment. Anything is better than here it says. Information and all sorts of cool new ways of thinking. There are infinite ways of thinking it says. It's not necessary to be yourself in the mind, it says. Fascinating images and ideas exist. Your situation sucks it says. It can always be better it says. There is no limit to how great you can become. Follow me and I'll show you all the knowledge that will keep you secure. I will put you in this box where nothing can hurt you. All that must be done is to hang on to this piece of knowledge and you will eventually know the mysteries of the universe. Then when you have become learned, you will have power to change the world for the better. But until then you must prepare yourself. Preparation for the future is how to live, because you need to be ready for when the time comes. Here's some fear,; it'll keep you out of danger. Here's some anxiety; it'll keep you moving toward something better, since you now know that your life is boring and you must succeed to become something, so that you can leave this life behind. Then you'll be worth something. Who you are is nothing special, but after you've followed my agenda, you'll be great, and the world will marvel at your intelligence, genius, and goodness that you have acquired. You too will feel good to have had a purpose. Just being here serves no purpose. Do you just want to go through life with out leaving a legacy behind? Of course not. People won't remember you and your life will be a waste. Here are some ideas as to who you could become..maybe you could work with children and be a loving person, then everybody will remember you as being loving. Or you could be an artist of some sort or maybe a scientist, or somebody rich or famous. Because unless you stand out as somebody special, you'll only be you. Wouldn't you rather be someone else? Someone prettier or smarter or healthier, or more loving, or more productive or richer? Of course you would. Sure I can show you how to succeed. You cannot be satisfied by just being you. Maybe just a little better than you and you can be happy then. Not yet though, remember you are nothing special yet. just want to be you?'s a method to find you. You really have no idea who you are. It is really very hard to become you. It can take an entire lifetime of suppression and sacrafice of yourself. But it will be worth it. Toil, toil, toil. Yep that is what must be done. Lots of doing unenjoyable processes. Then you will have finally mastered it. Then you can be an elite elder and pass on your knowledge to the next generation. You will find much fulfillment in the great things that you will accomplish and the lives that you will change for the better. Here's a little insight as to who you build upon that little by little until you will have built a mountain of knowledge of yourself, then you will have finally arrived and it is paradise once you arrive. No need to pay attention to here. Here's some motivation to keep you moving. Don't stop though. Just keep moving toward this goal and eventually you'll get there. You must fight the temptation within you though, to become a realised being. Suppress the anger. Suppress the fear. Pray often to a higher power, because this will gain you salvation. Lots and lots of praying to something higher than yourself. You are weak and only through putting your trust in something higher will you gain any sort of peace. Just trust in this higher power. You must have faith in this power. Faith is the key. If you haven't enough faith, nothing can be done. First you must have faith above all. This entails believing in something that cannot be proved. For those that just believe without testing are those that are the greatest of god's children. If you need proof then you are not one of god's favorites. So make the leap. God will hold you above the rest. Yes, special treatment for the best of god's children.
This is the mind.
Deception to the core.
Just being here. Being the moment itself. Often I engage the mind, by partcipating with the mind. Believing that if I just listen to this teeny weeny thought, then I will be more secure in what I must do. I somehow believe that the mind is like a safety net of some sort. That just being here is structureless and that there is no security in something with no plan of some sort. My mind tells me that I must have a direction in mind before just let go and be. The mind tells me that if I were to just be here, with no thought of which way to go, then there is a danger of going the wrong way. That I might just go down the wrong path and end up bringing about a world that I might not like. I let it tell me that to totally let go could mean my destruction and I believe this to be true because I haven't been able to let go of the fear that keeps me tethered. Like I will just be floating...lost in space, with no way to return. So I get ideas in my head about the things that I want ot see happen in my life and do my best to get others to follow so that I won't be alone in this process. So that I will be supported just in case I fall. To get people going in their own process so that somehow I can rely on them to save me.
Then there is the other extreme that also engages the mind. This is when I feel that I must forsake the world and all of the people within my world to find myself. Believing that I can't find myself as long as these people are in my life. That if I were to be away from everybody that doesn't agree with me then the obstacles that keep me from being me would be less, and that it would be easier to realise me. The mind continously tells me that it can't be as easy as just being here. I'm already here and I don't feel any different, and I don't have any more understanding about the cosmos than I did before. So I believe that I still must be misssing something.
It is only my own acceptance of the mind's ideas that keep me bound. My own acceptance that there must be something greater. Some higher understanding that I still need to attain. It is my own acceptance that I haven't gotten where I need to be that keeps me searching. The ideas of the mind, of enlightenment, or a higher truth, or some ethereal experience that I have allowed to direct me. It is just way to simple. The mind cannot remain as simplicity. The mind cannot exist if I am only here. This is all I have failed to realise. I have believed that the mind must exist for me to exist. I am only the expression of who I am in this moment. Everything is already included. Breathe.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

So I have judged myself by the thoughts that come up within me. I have believed in myself to be these thoughts, and have felt much guilt in allowing myelf to believe that I am the source of these thoughts. Instead of just observing the thoughts and letting them pass, I have tried to disregard these thoughts in an attempt to separate myself from them. It is true that I have allowed them to exist within and as me. However I am not these thoughts. I am beyond thought and consciousness and I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am the source of thought. I am only here. I have no hand in the thoughts that present themselves as me. It is not my purpose to fight the thoughts that manifest, but only to be here as me. Fighting or ignorng these thoughts only causes them to expand within me. I only need be aware of me. I am here.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Yes there are many manifestations of the mind that remain within me. One is the anxiousness that arises to communicate as one as all as equal as and within my human physical body. The anxiousness exists because I somehow have a preconceived idea that I would be able to communicate to those that know me as my human body. However I have realised that this is another mind manifestation. So I forgive myself for feeling this anxiousness to become realised in order to hurry the process. I am here. I release this anxiousness, from existing within me and as me as it serves no purpose any longer. Be gone, and I shall remain as me as one with all of existence. I also have held onto fear of being incorrect, for doubts have entered my mind as to how I can know these words I speak. So I forgive myself for doubting the true expression of life as me as all as one as equal. I am all of existence and I stand as all as one as equal. I am here in this state of experiencing me as me in this moment. I am the manifestation of self honesty within this very moment, and with this I release all fears and doubts that exist within me. So shall they be gone for I have spoken it to be so, as I am truly the source of all creation and existence and in this moment I no longer allow fear and doubt to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have sat back and watched as the horrors of this world persist. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have no power to stop the rape, murder, war, molestation, and utter destruction of myself as all as one as equal. I forgive myself that I have allowed desires to exist within and as me as secret fantasies of domination and power over other beings. I forgive myself that I have not stood up and said this stops NOW. I forgive myself that I have waited for others to stand up out of cowardice of facing myself as who I had allowed myself to become within. I forgive myself that I have killed innocent creatures of this planet and defiled the very nature of who I am as all as one as equal. I forgive myself that I have blamed the outside world for every act of violence, rape, molestation, and oppression of life as all as one as equal. I forgive myself that I have allowed secret desires or fantasies to exist within and as me, that has caused the rape and murder of our precious children. I stand as all as one as equal with the innocent nature of the children that we slaughter out of our own shift in blame to those who commit those crimes, instead of taking responsibility for my own participation in allowing desires of perversion to exist within and as me. THE CHILDREN. THE CHILDREN. THE CHILDREN. We have raped and murdered our very children with our thoughts and secrets that we harbor inside. I stand alone responsible for the perversions that exist within and of this world. I stand and say NO MORE will I allow these attrocites. NO MORE do I sit back and say it is anyones fault but my very own. NO MORE do I cower at the evil in the world. I stand as all. I am all. The children have suffered needlessly out of my own cowardice to face myself. NO MORE do I sit back and pretend that pornography is normal. I remove this from within me. NO MORE do I sit quietly with my feelings of guilt within. I have been the cause of every last act that has ever existed and I STOP NOW. It all ends NOW. I have been the guilty party in all of this horror and I end it now with the words I speak. I no longer sit back and wait for the children to save us. I stand with the children as all life, as the expression of purity and innocence, as one being. We together stand as one and equal. We are limitless freedom. We are one. We are equal. WE ARE LIFE!
Today I have realised that all that exists, exists in support of me as who I am as all as one as equal with the entirety of existence. I am all that exists. Every last bit of it. Including the mind consciousness system. As it only exists to support me in the realisation of who I really am. I have accepted that it is a separate manifestation. However, I now realise that is I who has separated myself as the mind. Defining myself by the belief system that is the mind. I now release this mind from directing me as me. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself by the mind's interpretation of who I am.
I forgive myself for allowing the mind to have power over me and allowing it to tell me who I am as separate from all of existence.
I forgive myself for not realising that the mind is here to assist in the realisation of who I am, along with all of the mind's manifestations such as frustration, anxiety, fear, doubt, ideas, opinions, beliefs, limitations, greed, hate, love, lust, anger, sadness, happiness, logic, and all knowledge of who I have believed to be who I am. I am every manifested expression of existence that has ever existed. There is nothing that exists that is not myself. We are all one. Limitation and separation has only existed for me to understand the limitlessness of who I really am. I am all that could possibly be thought, all that could possibly exist, including all forms of limitation. Only by experiencing limitation has it been possible for me to understand the limitlessness that is me. Only by experiencing the finite nature of this world, have I come to understand the infinite nature that is myself. There is no frustration or lack of anything. As this has only existed for me to realise that all that exists is within me. When I have discarded all that I have known to be me is the moment that I become one with all of existence. Within me as me and in everything simultaneously. But until then, this process is here for my own awareness of who I really am. I forgive myself that I have felt need or want in search of who I am. I forsake this search for myself, as I am here to experience me as me in this very moment of my own realisation. This moment is here for me to experience the limitations I have allowed myself to believe. I neither try to escape or hold onto this reality. It is my destiny and I cherish this very moment as the experience of who I am. As this moment is forever the last moment in existence.
I forgive myself for feeling frustration, for I realise that this frustation has only existed as me out of my own permission to allow it to exist as me. I release this frustration from within me. I no longer accept myself as frustration. I do not allow anger to exist as me. I do not accept limitation to exist as me. I am thankful for every moment that has ever existed as I am thankful for this very moment in existence. I forgive myself for accepting fear to exist within me. I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear ceasing to exist by giving up the idea of who I have become. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define my existence as defined by the limits of my human physical body and all of the limitations that I have allowed the mind to define as me. I forgive myself for allowing myself to run from the realisation of myself out of fear of what I may realise. I forgive myself for not realising that I have been all of the greatness and ignorance that has existed by allowing the mind to define me. I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that this world has been created by a higher power than who I am. I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am not responsible for everything that has existed in and within this world. I forgive myself that I have played the part of a helpless victim of this world and put my hope in a higher power to save me. I forgive myself for believing that there is any other power than who I, myself have always been. I forgive myself for believing that being something other that who I have always been would benefit me or all of existence. I am me, and I stand as me as all of existence, as the creator of all of existence and all of this world's manifestations. All of the good. All of the horror. All rape, murder, sickness, war, deceit, separation, greed. I myself created god and the devil and all that has ever been. Me alone. I am responsible for all. I stand as all. I am all.
I no longer accept what I have created to exist. What I have allowed is unacceptable. I do not accept these manifestations of polarity any longer. I am life, the living word. I only accept those that along with me support life as oneness and equality with all of existence. Any that do not support the expression of life will be removed from existence until only I as all as one as equal remain. This is the living word. So shall it be.

Friday, May 2, 2008

There is some resistance in this process of self realisation. As people judge the words I speak with prior knowledge of what they believe the truth to be. How could I, who had been so lost just a few weeks ago, be so sure about the statements that I make? As if I'm making claims to knowledge that I believe to be true instead of my expression of who I am in the moment that the statements are made. There is a slight frustration within me as I struggle to just be in the moment and not try to justify my statements as "correct". To just be here in every moment of every breath. Yes the stakes seem to get higher as the world that has been manifested by me, confronts me on every level. This only assists me in releasing the frustrations that exist within me, however, and is only opportunity to be one and equal with all of existence. I am quite aware that the doubts that exist within myself are manifested within my world, and only come at me to practice trust in who I am. Yes, I have many doubts as to who I really am. I have no answers as to the truth of all of existence. Only what I know to be the true expression of who I am in every moment. This is not knowledge; only expression. The experience of myself as the world that exists within me. The awareness of breath is a key tool in remaining here in every moment. Although very trying, to remain silent within, I recognise the importance of awareness of myself. Becoming tired is another obstacle that confronts me as the frustration that exists within me is so persistant in trying to emerge to direct me in my actions.
I forgive myself for allowing frustration to have so much power over me.
I forgive myself for believing that frustration has any real power over me to just be here in every moment of every breath.
I release this frustration and choose to be here as who I am as one and equal to all of existence.
I stand as me and remain here as the breath of life.
I experience myself as who I am in this moment.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience frustration, which is nothing more than a system that I have allowed myself to believe needs to be present within me.
I forgive myself that I have believed that I need to compensate for this frustration by changing the minds of the people within my world.
I forgive myself for believing that changing the minds of others will do anything less than perpetuating their minds.
I forgvie myself that I have not realised that I myself have perpetuated this frustration within me, and have directed my attention to fixing the world, instead of just being here in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is within me that the world is created, and this frustration within myself is the frustration that I, alone have allowed to exist and direct me instead me directing myself in this very moment.
I am thankful of this forgiveness process, as it is key in my own realisation.
I forgive myself for believing that if I could just get people to realise their own self honesty, that it will do anything to assist me in releasing the frustration that exists within me.
I forgive myself for allowing this frustration to remain within me, as it is not necessary in the realistion of myself as the expression of life within self-honesty.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Why is awareness of breathing so important? I have come to realise that in breathing one remains here as the expression of oneness and equality as who I am. As realisation upon realisation come to pass, this ensures that the expression of life is not reduced to an expression of knowledge and information. It is just too easy to base your actions on prior realisations, knowledge or judgement. This is a stale existence. Mechanical. Acting in a mathematical fashion. If a=b, then c. This is the fashion in which the mind works. It is nothing more than a system. Just endless equations. The mind is never satisfied, only more equations keep it existing. Only when the mind stops, do we become free to express ourselves as the oneness of all of existence.
Then through self forgiveness, we are able to release this mind, that we have believed is who we are. These thoughts, feelings and emotions are all of this mind consciousness system. There is love, money, and fear to name a few of the systems that the mind has employed. For me, it would seem that love has been what has enslaved me more than any other system. The need to be loved, the search for love, the fear of losing loved ones, the need to spread love.

Taking a closer look at love reveals the true nature of this manifestation. We desire love because it makes us feel good inside, both for the giver and receiver. So we become dependent on this love to keep us feeling good. We believe that we can't live without love. That this love keeps us whole inside. We cannot stand as oursleves, independent. We are addicted to the feeling. It is a temporary feeling, that cannot be a constant condition of who we are. So we use this creation to mold our children into what we think they should be. Punishment when they are bad. Either hurt their feelings our their bodies. They run too us for comfort, and we are delighted to see that they depend on our love to make them feel good because it keeps us feeling good. It's just a method to make sure we will have an ample supply. Punish when they are "bad' and distribute when they are"good". This keeps the value high. For if they were free to honestly express themselves, there would be no need for the love that is inside of us, because there would be no need to feel better. This would make us feel unloved by our children and thus unworthy as parents. If the child has no need for our love, we feel hurt inside because there is no love for us inside the child. So we have withdrawl symptoms and this makes us despise the child for being independent, and "withholding" their love, or being stingy. So we lash out at the child until he finally gets with the program. Only when the child is completely dependent on us for love are we happy. This is also the same in any relationship. When a someone in a relationship angers another, the method of punishment, is withholding their love. This ensures the other will feel withdrawl symptoms and soon do as the other pleases, so as to gain their love once again. Of course this makes the originally angered person happy to feel loved once again. The concept of supply and demand is all it is.
I forgive myself for believing that if only someone could love me, then I would be forever happy.
I forgive myself for alowing myself to fall for love's promise of happiness time and time again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to be loved by pretty women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that a pretty woman in my life would make me happy.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that being in a relationship would do anything but assist me in staying enslaved by more systems.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to constantly desrie love and admiration from the world.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel a need to show the love inside of me, to attract more love into my life.
I forgive myself that I have used love to keep others enslaved and dependent on the love that exists within me.
I forgive myself that I have desired to be loved by the beautiful people of the world, and have repelled those that aren't pretty enough or good enough for the love that exists within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to appear outwardly loving in order to be loved by the entire world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be directed by the love that exists within.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ruled by love.
I forgive myself that I have used love as a reward/punishment system in order to force people or animals into being as I would like them to be.
I forgive myself for allowing love to become my god.
I forgive myself that I have always gone the extra distance, just so that I could be more loved for the things I do well.
I forgive myself for allowing love to exist within.