Thursday, July 30, 2009

When we adhere to an idea of what it is that we are supposed to become or do, it is the ultimate limitation. Because we lock ourselves into a certain pattern, and are not able to be in the moment, freely and spontaneously. Everything becomes omitted from consideration except for that which fits in with the idea. This is self-enslavement to self-imposed rules and outcomes. So instead of riding the wave, with the wave, and as the wave, we become rigid and struggle not to be influenced and controlled by the wave, instead of remaining free to move self as the movement that is occurring. Being one and equal to the wave.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Using the example of driving a vehicle as something that I know; it is not necessary for me to be conscious that I know how to drive before I know that I know how. It is also not necessary for me to define who I am before I know who I am, because I already know, it is in my being as my being. Thoughts are not necessary. There is who I am, and there is who I believe I am, which is a manufactured imitation or representation of who I am, and requires a process of formulation of a conclusion.
Searching for a conclusion is the first step in thinking, and is not here directly. It is limited to the constraints of time, and only serves to dilute a pure experience to a polluted stream of delusion. A messenger is not needed to explain me to me. I am already here, and that needs no explanation. Nor can it be explained without fabricating a separate reality.

Monday, July 27, 2009

This being that I've become is driven by wants, needs, beliefs, feelings and emotions. In particular, beliefs are taken and made to prove that my belief is valid. It is a limitation on what is actually true. As a simple example, one may believe that hugging a rock is the best way to climb, and is the only valid method of climbing. Because a person has been successful using the method of hugging the rock to complete a route, it is not even considered that there may be a more efficient method. This leads to more beliefs, such as, the reason a route cannot be completed is because there are not sufficient handholds, and because it is not even considered that maybe the methods employed are flawed or less than ideal.

This same basic structure of belief is how I have become so limited to self-imposed rules and boundaries in this existence. By taking for granted that what I believe is true, I limit myself to those beliefs, and act within the rules of that belief system.

Some beliefs that pop up for instance is the belief that I know better than most people. Or the belief that I need to know, or that there is something out there that still needs to be figured out. They are old habits, and they give me a sense of security to cling to my old ways. It is scary to drop my beliefs, because without them, what do I know? It is the belief that I will not know how to move or where to go next. In this, there is no trust in self movement, but instead my trust is placed in what I think I know.

Knowing is when beliefs and thoughts are not here. It is instantaneously here. This instant, what do I know?... Nothing that has to be explained or figured out, or anything that I have to tell myself, for what I actually know is lived and not calculated; nor is it something that can be clung to. It is here as myself as I express myself here. Knowing and unknowing is really just the same thing: awareness.

Friday, July 10, 2009

A girl named Jessica sparked my interest today. I wanted there to be a special connection of some kind, because she was petite, attractive and confident. I was already looking to form a relationship with her. I wanted to capture her before anyone else had a chance. All self-interested behavior. In this world, I have found that I have very little capacity for forming relationships, but it is something that I have so desired for myself. Who I have become is fucked, from the perspective that I can not, as this being that I exist as here, make any difference within this world, because I have separated myself from the whole of existence and placed myself in a bubble of my creation as a being that cannot ever get satisfaction. Continuously observing myself as not getting exactly what I want. Judging and comparing myself to everybody and everything. This judgment has become me, and it is this very thing that I have become that I must not allow any longer. And it is not something that I can all of a sudden be rid of. It is a systematic process of not participating in this 'me' that wishes to continue existing.

This 'me' will always be self-interested, and there is nothing that can be done about that, because I already exist as exclusively self-interested. It must be proven that I will not allow this being to ever be summoned under any circumstance, by confronting, and systematically disconnecting each circuit that transfers energy to it, until access to any and all energy has been severed.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

For a while, I've been watching myself and the ways that I participate in self-image enhancement. What I have noticed lately is that, even my attempt at not participating, has been largely about proving to others that I am not participating in self-image enhancement. Thus, still participating. I've only recently become aware of this, and I find that it is actually much, much simpler to just watch to see if I am participating. That is as far as it needs to go. It is actually not going anywhere, but rather just being aware if and when I involve myself in thoughts of 'how do I appear?'

Also, I find that it is simpler and more direct, to instead of telling myself how I should act, to simply skip that step altogether. It is entirely unnecessary, plus it only breeds confusion and limits myself to rules and constraints that I have inflicted upon myself.

For instance, telling myself that I should not judge people anymore. Well, that act of telling myself such a thing, subjects me to becoming unaware of what I am here participating in, and it is not me directing me, but a self-imposed rule that I have confined myself to.

No baggage. No space for rent here. No vacancy, because I occupy me entirely. No tenants permitted to occupy me. Only me allowed here.