Monday, May 3, 2010

There is an existing tendency within to allow myself to be led by an idea of what I believe to be a "correct" way of being. Although, there is a "perfect" way of being, it is not limited to what a mind believes it to be.

That is comparing myself to myself: referencing a past idea of myself and applying that knowledge as myself toward the situation, to "know" how to act because I have bound myself to cling to something that does not exist, nor does it apply to here.

Like for instance today, I found myself falling into a habit of doing just that, when I saw Bill today, and I found myself having a need to impress him. I realized I was doing this, but I reacted again to almost make it a point to not fall into holding up a personality.

It was like I faulted myself, instead of just forgiving myself, and flowing into the moment. "Not trying" is the same clinging to the past, of which does not exist. Like saying to myself, "Shit, I fucked up, oh fuck why did I have to go and blow the image that I was building with this guy."

There is a particular way that I wish to be perceived, and that idea is what holds me to the past. It is regretting what I did, instead of just living the consequence, and moving through it, within this moment, anew. I mean how I should act? How could one "know" how to act. That is agreeing to walk in this particular fashion, which is all based upon the past. And IT DOES NOT EXIST, anywhere. Certainly not not here. Only the present is here.

Nor does the future exist, there is only HERE. I have planned far in advance for possible situations, and from a starting point of fearing a memory of the past, so that I can be prepared, so to speak. That makes my "here" somewhere else, and "here" is never actually lived, only prepared for.

It is HERE. That's it. I mean, how could I feel "strange"? I'm already who I am. In relation to what? There is only here, and I am that here. Simplicity. One.

Specifically for me, it has been gaining another's approval. If I do not have another's approval, what can I do, about it? There is only here, and i AM here.