Friday, July 10, 2009

A girl named Jessica sparked my interest today. I wanted there to be a special connection of some kind, because she was petite, attractive and confident. I was already looking to form a relationship with her. I wanted to capture her before anyone else had a chance. All self-interested behavior. In this world, I have found that I have very little capacity for forming relationships, but it is something that I have so desired for myself. Who I have become is fucked, from the perspective that I can not, as this being that I exist as here, make any difference within this world, because I have separated myself from the whole of existence and placed myself in a bubble of my creation as a being that cannot ever get satisfaction. Continuously observing myself as not getting exactly what I want. Judging and comparing myself to everybody and everything. This judgment has become me, and it is this very thing that I have become that I must not allow any longer. And it is not something that I can all of a sudden be rid of. It is a systematic process of not participating in this 'me' that wishes to continue existing.

This 'me' will always be self-interested, and there is nothing that can be done about that, because I already exist as exclusively self-interested. It must be proven that I will not allow this being to ever be summoned under any circumstance, by confronting, and systematically disconnecting each circuit that transfers energy to it, until access to any and all energy has been severed.

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