I went to Smith Rock for about 3 days and I realised there that the more attractive a person is, the more influence they have over me. There was a girl there that looked very much like Angleina Jolie. She was very pretty and I found myself just wanting to look at her and imaginations of touching her and her body had my attention. I allow girls in general to have much power over me. I value their friendship because it makes me feel accepted. When a pretty girl likes me, I allow that to tell me that I'm worth something. The thought of being in a relationship with a beautiful girl has kept me enslaved since I was five years old or younger. Quite possibly, it has been my most secretive and most extensive desire that is within me. The desire for the loving touch of a beautiful girl has enthralled me. I pretend that I have no desire for this. That girls have no effect upon me, however, deep within it is truly the most extensive system of enslavement that I have allowed to exist within. Giving up the fantasy of a realtionship with a girl that has a beautiful body and beautiful face has been something that I have not allowed myself to forsake. I have absolutely clinged to the thought of the perfect girl. The best of every quality in a human being. Health, beauty, intelligence, understanding. and undivided adoration is what I have craved for years. These are all things I have sought outside of myself. I know that fighting the feelings that are within only compound the desire. So just being aware of those feelings without trying to hide them nor letting them direct me is how the feelings and thoughts can be stopped. Non participation within the mind as the mind. This goes for everything that I have let lead me around in search of happiness. The things that I like to do has kept me enslaved by staying just out of reach. To do as I wish when I wish has had my full attention. A continuous pursuit of the things that I have allowed to believe bring forth happiness. From rock climbing to guitar to women and a family of my own. Things that I recognise as not existing in vast amounts in my life. Also the things I have believed to be too plentiful in my life has also kept me enslaved by trying to escape that in which I think I need to be rid of to finally be happy. Things such as authority and oppression and bills. Which really is the same manifestation as searching for that in which I lack. Lack of freedom and control over my own destiny. These things keep me occupied by believeing that I cannot truly be me until I have eliminated these things in my life. Either chasing those things that I have felt I have lacked or running from the things that I have felt that exist in overabundance. It is all the same deception that keeps me participating within and as the mind consciousness system that I have allowed to exist within me by simply being a willing participant in the deception that I can eliminate the mind by being of the mind. Even the thought of freeing myself from the mind has also kept me enslaved. The mind is relentless and continues to exist as hunger and thirst for something more. Something more profound or better than the present experience. If I could only....then I could finally rest in peace. Peace cannot exist by allowing the thought of peace to direct the movement of myself. Just as love cannot exist by letting love direct the movement of myself. These things are manifestations of the mind. The illusion that these things are the things we must manifest in our lives to become happy is the very thing that keeps us enslaved. The thought that we can become more loving or more peaceful than we already are has us circling that which we already are. So we never give ourselves any chance of realising the true nature of ourselves. We instead exist as anxiety, fear, want, and need. Only by forgiving ourselves of the illusions that we have held as beyond who we are already do we realise ourselves as who we really are. Life as the essence of life as all as one being , equal in every way. All one or alone as who we are.
I understand that this can appear to be madness by those that have no experience of what I am talking about. Logic would tell us that we are all separate because we have no control over what other beings do. But in this very belief, we have already decided that this is reality. So quite naturally, this is how the world is experienced. Our past knowledge of who we have "proven" ourselves to be remains the image of who we are. We act on this "knowledge" of who we are, believing ourselves separate and only responsible for the things that we, ourselves do as the human body. We keep oursleves separate because we act upon the idea that we are separate, which reinforces the idea that we are separate.
There are times that I feel urgency to communicate certain points of realisation of myself to other beings. Thoughts and imaginations that a better experience of who I am actually exists moves me to become something more than I am through my acceptance and allowance that I am not already that in which I seek to exist as me. I have realised that those things that in which are sought are all manifestations of the mind. That I am solely already who I am in it's entirety, but those things that are not of me, that I have believed to be me have kept me from realising who I am as existence in it's entirety. It is not about becoming something, but about releasing all that I have allowed to exist as me. All knowledge that I have believed to be me and have allowed myself to become one with is all that has kept me from being simply me as who I am as all of existence as all as one as equal. I am only here. Anything else that exists within and as me is illusion. It is all the mind telling me that I am only the mind and that who I am is nothing. That who I have allowed myself to become is who I really am. That all that I have added to this being is my true self. That I must hang on to those things that I have become because I will surely cease to exist without these things.
I realise that some things that I express will not make any sense to those that are listening, because they have many thoughts as to what they believe reality to be. The things that I express as myself will sound like delusions of reality. That in concept maybe true, but in application within this existence cannot sustain me. The fear of death or starvation or of no security within this life will ring out as red flags that I have truly lost any concept of reality. Yes, my world will crumble before my very eyes in an attempt to get me to heed to the illusion of mind. But in reality, this will be how things must occur for me to realise the self trust that exists as me. There are already signs that my family and friends around me will not accept the things that I have come to realise as anything less than delusional beliefs or blind faith in concepts that have come from some source other than myself. By design, my world will increasingly put enormous pressure on me to come back to "reality". To do anything possible to help me to realise that I am mistaken and that they actually know what the truth is. They may believe that they are saving me from myself because I have become delusional. What they may not realise is the fact that their fears of me having nothing substantial to ensure that my future will be secure will produce all that they fear in my future. Yes, their very fears of me having nothing will manifest me having nothing. Their fears of me having great hardships to face will produce the very hardships that they so desparately fear for me. The worries that they believe will result from my lack of worry about the future will produce all that they worry about. What they may not realise is that their worry of future events will cause every event to manifest into the future. This might be what it takes for them to realise that they are the cause of the world that exists. As each of us here will come to realise that we are everything that exists within this world. Inside and out, we are truly everything and everybody, and that what is inside creates what is outside, because there is no inside or outside. There is only here as all of existence as one being. All of existence equal to that which is within each of us. All of us singularly and equally responsible for all that exists within and as this world.