Sunday, October 2, 2011

Writing blogs for me has been very much about getting a pat on the back for doing so. As soon as I made my blog public, then I sought to appear as if I were being true and honest and all of the "good" and "noble" ways of being are those which I wished to display. Some points of self-honesty, but with and underlying base of "look at me" syndrome. Obviously, that ego driven existence is not living here as who I am, but rather living for a moment that does not even exist, except within an imagined future scenario.

A moment within my mind in which I am hailed and praised for my "loyal servitude" and showered with the certain type of attention that I have sought. Like every time I have gotten a reply to a blog or a vlog, a distinct "feeling" of accomplishment, as if I am worth something now, because of my deep introspection. Well disguised ego, as it turns out. Maybe not even well disguised, but easy to believe as a being that defines himself according to what I have done, instead of who I actually am, here.

It really permeates virtually everything that I have done, and it is only missed because it is the bulk of what consists of "me" or who I believe myself to be. The basis for "who I am."

Are my blogs entries actually an action that is sorting me out, an actual expression of who I am, or is it just another ploy to give the illusion that I am something more than who I am? I know the instant that I am participating in this self-judgment, but have been living upon the hope that I am better than that.

So much attention upon the content of what I am putting out there, and whether or not it can be misconstrued or judged wrongly, and what it comes down to is that someone will actually see me for who I am. Which is what I have feared from the beginning.

Some of the reasons for fear of exposure are:

Fear of exposure, fear of changing, fear of commitment, fear of losing my life that I have gotten so accustomed to, fear of giving up certain comforts or luxuries, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of persecution. Each of these fears support the other fears to exist and are dependent upon on another to exist. So what it boils down to is that I fear the destruction of this being that I have come to know as "who I am." That equals fear of death, and oddly enough it also means that I fear life. The same exact fear in which I have separate definitions are the same thing. That is that i fear self, and self-exposure,because it means the death of "me."
Smother life so that death may not reach it. Interesting.

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