Saturday, April 23, 2011

This process of writing in my blog should be about me discovering me. I've noticed that I've been reserved when it comes to just writing without censoring what it is that I actually am going through, because of a perceived need to be correct in what I say.

It's conditioning from far back, like when I raised my hand in class and got the correct answer. A sense of accomplishment for being correct. I am better than the others that 'don't know' mentality. A general feeling of superiority.

Much of my aim behind doing blogs has been that same drive to show the class that I am "smart," and therefore superior. So it has been mandatory to make sure that I only raise my hand when I'm really sure that I have the correct answer. Logically speaking, the more that I answer correctly, the more everyone will see that indeed I am one of the smartest.

I can think back to maybe fifth grade when Mrs. Marsh would give us opportunities to answer questions, and I would raise my hand on almost every question, and that made me feel special. That specialness that warrants special treatment from others, which is the core of my relationship patterns.

That is key, because it is what I have been seeking within my interaction within the world. Literally, every move has had the goal of "proving" that I'm special, and that has been the prime motivatior in regards to my involvement with desteni.

Seeking acceptance and approval from desteni, so I've done things to 'show' that I am onboard, but that means that the starting point is seeking acceptance and approval.

The only acceptance is self-acceptance, and I have yet to remain here as who I am, because I have believed that who I am here is not enough.

Not enough? A ridiculous notion, because I am exactly that which I am equal to. Equal to EVERYTHING that exists as I exist here.

How can one become a different program from within and as one's current programming? Impossible- the base program supercedes any new programming that one attempts to introduce because one is already running within and as the base program.

None of the old can be trusted, because it has proven to be unreliable at best. This programming, the values I have given to anything, my hopes, wants, and fears, my interpretations, likes and dislikes, all of it, I've accepted and allowed to direct my every move. The things that have driven me, what I believed to be freewill, is nothing of the sort.

What I believed to be my individuality are really strings, each one allowed to exist, because I thought they were the things that kept me free from restraint. How ironic it is when one realizes that all of those hopes, dreams, fears, etc. are the things that keep people enslaved.
"Love" for instance: Is there anything within this world that possesses a being, and dictates their every move more extensively?

For christ's sake, they even have movies and romantic literature, that apparently shows how much someone loves another because they are driven to suicide and or murder for various reasons. Is that any different than a heroin or meth addict?

Before they met everything was fine. Afterwards, could never be apart, otherwise, great sickness, physical discomfort, murderous and suicidal tendencies -all common side effects.

It's generally recognized as a serious medical condition for drug addicts. But for those "in love" with the same exact symptoms, it is regarded as acceptable, and even noble to feel so deeply for someone. Bullshit. I've been "in love", infatuated, and I know how miserable I was. All I could do was think about 'her' fears of losing her, etc.

I actually believed that I would not be able to live without her. As if she were as important to my existence as water. Is that any different than a junkie?...I can hear the arguments now, "yeah, but that's different..."

"Yeah buts", in my experience, are people defending their way of life and or belief system. People just do not want to hear anything that requires actual change. Of course, I am speaking of myself.

As the system that is currently my base programming, rule number one is to preserve itself above all any attempt at hacking into the programming will be met with emergency procedures that prevent any major alterations of the base program(s).

As I'm looking at it here, approval/acceptance construct emerged from within the belief that I am "less than". Self-judgment virtually every moment of this life. Never satified, because it has all been viewed as "in relationship" to something else, in order assign to myself a specific value.
It's all meaningless, yet I have not yet proved that to myself, because I have not stopped assuming that life can only be experienced by and as measuring and assigning value to myself and each experience.

The image of a guy running around measuring everything in existence in order to understand it comes up, because it's literally the same meaningless pursuit.

I mean, okay now that I've catalogued the measurement of everything in existence, do I really have any more understanding of existence? Absolutely not, it's just a bunch of information, even if the measurements are correct.

Does knowing the heighth of a mighty Redwood really explain to me the experience of visiting the Redwoods? Likewise, does knowing my heighth in relation to a redwood, change either myself or the redwood?
Answers to these questions are to be lived as oneself. Answering questions is theory. What is lived is law.

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