Wednesday, March 2, 2011

This relationship thingy; the desire to be desired and be treated as the most important thing on the planet is so ingrained. I see it within almost every thought that comes up. It's a desire to cultivate others' opinions and ideas of me; which is an attempt to give myself worth, according to the world's view of worth.

Buying into the idea that opinions are real and have real worth.

Really, I've seen potential relationships with beings at Desteni as being more important than the process of self-realization. It is almost comical that I didn't catch it from the start, but honestly, I put too much value into the prospect of having 'real' friends, to realize what I was actually doing.

So I find myself in what I see as a sort of paradox; I want support, but with support, I find that if I am not aware, that the "relationship potential construct" is activated and process takes a back seat, while presenting self as "worthy" becomes the main focus.

I've previously recognized that I was creating a codependent relationship with my sister, a few years ago, in which I could call her up and she would "be there" for me to talk about how difficult it was to be me.
It gave both of us a sense of worth. Her for "being there" and me for being a "deep, sensitive, introspective" person. Obviously, that same system is still in place.

Relationships based upon the image that I have wished to portray unto the world. This is at the core of the self-judgment construct. A constant monitoring of "status" within the relationship goes hand in hand with self-judgment.

For instance, if I were learning to walk, and someone was there to assist me in learning to walk, then walking would take a back seat, because having someone there to support me would be given more value than actually walking.

So this "learning time" becomes my modus operandi, and actually walking is something that will never happen, because it is a closed loop, and 'walking' is not a part of the loop. Actually walking would imply that "learning time" is over, which translates to the end of a relationship. This whole construct is based upon building and maintaining realtionships, and within that construct, I will never walk, because I am not willing to "give up" on the relationship in order to do so.

Who I am here has been totally disregarded because what I 'have' or 'don't have' has held my attention instead.

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