Sunday, December 20, 2009

I've working with the point of self-judgment, and in an SRA session, it was indicated that the word piousness was related to the main way that I judge myself. I looked it up, and it means diligence. I will say that achievement or the appearance of achievement has held my attention greatly.

The system functions from the starting point of proving to the world that I am worth more than I believe myself to be. Because I have been pretty convincing in my charade, and when the image that I have portrayed begins to be accepted by the world, I know that what I am being accepted as is merely what I have pretended to be, and so from this, I find myself striving to maintain the "superior" image that I have created to act as me.

The pressure I put on myself to achieve exists because I know that who I am does not match the 'diligent' image construct that I have pretended to be. So, hiding the incongruency of my image when compared to that of who I actually am, or who I believe myself to be, has been a priority for me. This also reveals some of the reason that I have bounced around so much in my activities, which is because within a given activity, I have wished to display the illusion of diligence. So when I have been confident that my diligent image is secure, then that is when I have moved onto creating the next illusion.

The word pious, after reading more on the definition, is associated with religion. A devoutness or dutiful.

Who am I primarily concerned with appearing pious?

Desteni? No

Family? Yes

Is there a particular member of the family that is the primary intended recipient of my projected image? YES

Mother? YES

It is really a clever little system. I have believed that I could place the image out there as myself, and that if I could get people to treat me as that image, that it would somehow change me into that image.
In a sense, it is somewhat true that I would become the image, because if one interacts as an image, then self is being denied, and illusion and deception are nurtured, while self lies inactive. In essence, dead or nonexistent.

From my mom, I have sensed great hopes and expectations for me to become something or someone special, and in my mind, I have fallen short of those expectations. Seeing approval on her face has been my greatest treasure. Gosh, I'm such a hurt little boy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that who I am will always fall short mom's acceptance of me as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself for so long.

I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be unacceptable, and have allowed myself to try and 'make up' for who I am by creating an image in which to be judged by.

I forgive myself that I have not even allowed myself to give myself and the world an opportunity to accept me for who I am, because I had already decided that who I am would not be enough to be accepted.

I had already defeated myself before I even began. I expose myself, all of me here. ALL OF ME.

The image is a ploy to present such a believable image of diligence, so that way I can say, "I try my very best, and I am such a good person, but the world does not recognize my 'specialness'". Subconsciously, creating situations in which I am a victim of circumstance to get sympathy. In that way, I have sought out 'hardship' so that my 'piousness' can be recognized against the contrasting situation. They call it Munchhausen Syndrome, when somebody purposely hurts himself to gain sympathy from other people.

It is the "no risk" method of success. So that if I succeed, then great, but even if I don't, then the illusion is placed there as an "alternative" success, because at least I "tried" my "hardest" against such difficult conditions. The reward is "love" and admiration from others, which I have held in highest reverence.

Since I've become more aware of this self-judgment construct, I've noticed that I've been able to 'forget' about maintaining an image, and show myself as ALL of who I am here. It's cool in a "the jig is up" kind of way. I've been lying this whole time, and it's time I show the secret that I've been hiding, which is me. Funny as it seems, I've also used "honesty" as a defense mechanism and "self-awarded" image booster.
I remember walking into Bartlett High school, after my "enlightenment" with LSD in Oregon, where I peered "honestly" into the eyes of a kid, in order to display my newly acquired confidence. To my delight, his eyes quickly avoided mine, and I could not wait to show everybody how fucking awesome my new image was.

What I have viewed as the single most influential event in my life(LSD enlightenment) has been once again, just another scheme to be loved and admired. I caught a glimpse of a shadow of equality, but the allure and importance that I had placed upon being loved and admired easily gained priority status. I knew the whole time that I was only presenting an image, and even though I thought that 'bringing out the best in everybody', was key in bringing about paradise, the fact was that I was only concerned with being recognized as one of the GREATEST who ever lived.

No more. I do not allow myself to support the existence of myself as an image. I am here to share me as who I am, for all to see.

1 comment:

Alex C said...

thanks for sharing!