Thursday, January 7, 2010

Okay, next point, fear of confrontation, where I am concerned with being the definition of a nice guy. The most frustrating thing for me has been trying to get people to hear. So, I see that I am scared of losing relationships, and it just occurred to me that a relationship is based in the past, a definition, attached to a concept of who a person is perceived to be, and in which "he" is defined by the terms of the relationship, itself. Maintaining a relationship, holds both people within a repeating pattern of boundaries, treaties, and mutually accepted self-dishonesty.

Since I feared losing a relationship, I have compromised who I am in order to establish rules, which is an agreement that we will both allow each other to live within specifc limited ways of interacting that allows us both to deceive ourselves, and fortify the enslavement of the other. In that way, we become intertwined within a repeating pattern, and eventually get sick and tired of the living within the boundaries of those limitations and self-abuse. Because the relationship is based upon suppression, before long, someone breaks one of the rules or boundaries that were established. This creates animosity, followed by spite, and voila; a variation of of the same cycle is born.

The initial aim starts as a conquest to enslave another being to me. Of course, I also enslave myself in the process, and because I am so disgusted in myself for not standing as myself , the relationship goes toward the downswing side, and I just want out of the abusive cycle. So then I look for ways out of this cycle, which leads to more abuse in the form of sabotage. Within this mindset, apparently I am getting revenge for taking advantage of my "kindness". While in reality, I started the cycle of abuse upon myself to begin with, by my allowance and agreement of it to begin.

This appears to be the beginning of the end of my relationships. Self-dishonest beings do not wish to be exposed, and self-honest beings expose dishonesty, so resistance in hearing what is actually being said is inevitable.

The relationships I currently have will all fail, because I do not allow limitation of self by participating in the pre-existing pattern, that has been established from the beginning. This will leave leave me with nothing left to lose of a relationship, so that I can establish a new agreement, which is self-honesty in every moment of every breath.

But the relationship only exists within myself, as a defintion in which I am clinging to. The moment I let go of the effort required to maintain a relationship is the moment that the relationship is dead.

It is frustrating for me when I perceive myself to be waiting for a person to see. In my impatience with the natural outflow of events, I find that I become restless, instead of realizing that I am this physical HERE. For some, it will require that the physical conditions become so unbearably uncomfortable, before they will realize that the physical reality is the only issue of any substance. Conditions will have to reach to a level of universal economic collapse, so that the physical suffering is significant enough to be felt by the elites of this world, and an equal money system is agreed upon.

Until we can all agree that the physical is who we are, and that what is allowed within the physical is what we allow ourselves to become, we will all continue to suffer.

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