Wednesday, October 28, 2009

There is a point or belief or definition/judgment that I am more able to express myself honestly to women/girls. The "sensitive" me anyway. That which I have normally hidden from the world. There is an expression that I have believed requires a females presence in order to express that which I believe I am in short supply. Myself, that which I have not done for me is allowing myself to be intimate with me. At least partly because of the "negative" things that I would have to confront, from a self-definition perspective. I would have to admit that I am not the image that I have portrayed myself to be. That I am simply here as all that I am. It is humbling, yet I rid myself of carrying that baggage. There is nothing to live up to, as in what I must do to maintain a personality.
I have wanted people to accept me as the personality that I accepted as myself. To create a "better me", yet all of this requires energy to maintain, therefore it can not be me, because I am already me, without maintaining a personality. It is a waste to allow that to exist, by feeding it and upgrading it to the latest version of personality. The energy expenditure spent worrying about how that my personality is being perceived by others. Acting within a limited range of possibility, to achieve success, as a character/impostor, because who I have been is self-interested. So of course, I have gone around hiding who I am, because I know that I have devious intentions.
It is amazing that anyone could somehow ignore their own deviant behavior, and instead follow a system of beliefs to act according to what one chooses to believe about themselves. We look to our neighbor and see how dishonest they live, therefore it is easily justifiable, because "I am least not the worst case of dishonesty." As if that is any reason to allow self to continue deceiving existence with a personality.

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