I have dishonesty points about needing people. About proving that I need no assistance, that I can make it on my own. As if to tell the world that I am independent. A smugness to say that I am too good to need any help from anyone. An idea that I can make it anywhere under any circumstance. To say that I can take all the punishment that you can dish out.

But what does this say about me? That I fear being a burden to anyone. "Ignore me. I do not even exist. Forget that you knew me." I"ve been hiding myself out in the open.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear letting people down.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear intimacy with other people.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear showing vulnerability, and hide it by displaying vulnerability, to make sure that people will not invest in me.

I have some subtle addictions. Addiction to excellence, a well-rounded excellence. Addiction to extreme balance of obsessiveness and fear of commitment. I have often obsessed over something, and later become obsessed with something else. Swinging from one extreme to the other in some sort of balanced mayhem. Extremely lukewarm. Addiction to non addiction, commitment to non commitment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being less than excellent, because I fear that someone may want to help me and get too intimate with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by my emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing vulnerability in another person because they may want to admit/confess their dishonesty to me, and express intimately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire privacy, and have done everything imaginable to maintain my privacy by making sure that people maintain their privacy.

I have kept people at arm's length, and have lived within a semi-cloudy bubble. I have shown myself but only through a blurry window. I have wanted to be mysterious so that I am able to remain slightly unclear, or not completely understood or available for close up inspection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people showing me what I already know about myself, but I am unclear about, because I want to do it on my own, my own way, alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be an island, completely uninfluenced by suggestions, because I have given more worth to finding out by myself, without any help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncovering how I can best assist others, because I fear that I may do a less than excellent job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my best may be only mediocre.

I see that I have been fearing mediocrity, so I have stayed within a bubble of comfort, and only participate in activities that I am confident that I have the ability to be excellent.

So what would be something that I would be really mediocre at doing if I gave it my best?