Tuesday, August 18, 2009

One of the many ways that I have limited and suppressed myself is by fearing that by being myself, that I will be rejected as who I am. So from that starting point, I have only allowed from within me, that in which I have believed will be accepted by others. I have only allowed myself to express myself within the "safety" of not being rejected. This has been extremely limited, because not all people accept the same personalities. So I have looked for a personality in which I will be accepted within everybody's opinions. Essentially, nobody. Not standing as myself, but only first calculating the acceptance level within a given circumstance, before acting. Then acting in order to be accepted as an acceptable personality.

To not act according to a belief system. Exactly how is this done? Simply do not allow beliefs. To which one may say "how can I not believe in anything?" Through participating exclusively within and as what is here. It does not require a belief to be here and to act here. I am here. Not a belief or conclusion. But merely what IS. Awareness of what is here. So can I act without believing anything? Certainly. Here, within every moment of every breath. Seeing is not a conclusion or belief. Awareness of what is seen. Belief is acting upon a memory or assumption of what is here, based upon knowledge of the past. It is rigid and lifeless, and is bound by its own structure and cannot act here because it exists only within the mind, constructed and based upon the past. Never here.

So to take it a step further is being honest with self in what is currently taking place within and self. If it is seen that self is abusing self or another, then stop, and no longer allow that from self. Because self IS that which one is in participation of, from within.

Tendencies to react according to how a program has been designed for me to act have continuously stripped me of awareness of self within every breath. It is what I have allowed because I have believed that I am nothing more than thoughts, beliefs, and definitions of myself and of the world around me. Entertainment for the mind to remain active and existing. To exist within thoughts so that I am completely unaware that self even exists, and that I allow it all to manifest as myself by my participation in abdicating self-responsibility of all that in which I participate. When I am within thoughts, I am completely unaware of that in which I am participating, because it is a program, and the program is not designed to include self-awareness. Self becomes drowned out in a cacophony of noise and distractions, as thought process.

In general the tendency to find out where I am in relation to something has been the most prominent stumbling block. For instance, when I have awoken in the morning, the tendency has been to reassemble my memories and definitions of "where" I am. As if that is at all necessary to begin the day. As if it is necessary to remember that my dog died so that I can remember to be distraught about the perceived situation, for instance. As if I am required to remember "who I am", so that I can remember how to act, before I can act. All of that is limiting myself to one possible outcome, which is doing exactly as I have been programmed to do.

Who I have thought myself to be within all of my definitions and judgments has enabled a personality, that can only act within the boundaries of that defined personality. A robot with a specific program to remain existing as that programmed personality.

As the program, I will at all costs, protect the robot and the program to carry out what I was programmed to do, which is to use and abuse self for its continued existence. This is why it is vital to stop allowing myself to exist as a programmed personality. As the program, I can only abuse myself and others, because self-abuse is how the program has been designed to remain existing.

No comments: