I am not quite sure how it started, but there is an underlying guilt reaction that I have associated with enjoying physical touch. A system within me that does not allow me to experience the enjoyment of feeling within this body. It has something to do with sexual expression and how I have associated sex with feeling. When I have been touched in a way that the body agrees with, my mind says "no, do not allow yourself to enjoy this moment." I have believed somehow that I do not deserve this or that I am not worthy of experiencing human touch, or even the touch or feel of my own body. Even enjoyment in general, I have had much aversion to expressing enjoyment to anybody. Interesting. Even the word "touch", I have even had an aversion about uttering the word touch, when referring to the human body. Come to think of it the word "body" is linked to the word "touch" in a similar fashion.
Somehow, I have associated the enjoyment of feeling or touch with perversion. Utterly fascinating! It stems from a belief that if I were to express that I enjoyed a particular way of being touched, then that would somehow, according to the world, mean that I was perverted, or be a lesser being if it were to be known. I have been so careful to hide any hint that I might enjoy touch in any way, especially when it involved a family member. It has something to do with vulnerability, and allowing myself to express vulnerability in any way. I have associated vulnerability with weakness, just as I have done with tenderness and gentleness. Enjoyment, in general, I have associated with weakness. Expressing uncensored enjoyment in any form has been considered taboo to me. Also certain ways of moving my body; I have limited myself to only those movements that are "strong". Anything that might considered "graceful", by anyone has also been avoided. Only "strong" and bold movement have I allowed to be expressed. Nothing vulnerable ever. I am flabbergasted!
Also, I have gone about hiding pain in the same way. I have very deliberately covered my body's expression in any way that I have defined as a sign of weakness. Oh man, what a mess I have created. No wonder I have found ways to express myself in secret. I have not allowed myself to accept myself as the self-honest expression of myself as who I am. In each scenario, I have meticulously censored out that in which I have believed is not a strong enough expression, or intimidating enough or powerful enough, or mature enough or masculine enough. I have not believed that I am enough of anything, so I have covered up, in every way that I could think of to cover my insecurities or dislikes about myself, and have spent enormous amounts of energy, proving to the world that which I have defined as myself to not be true.
I have wanted for others to believe that I am a perfect specimen, even though I could not believe it myself. I have known the truth of myself, yet I have done extensive work to cover up any aspect where I thought that I was inadequate. In everything that I have done, I have followed the most "natural path" or the path of least resistance to prove that the image that I wished to portray was recognized as the truth by the world.
I have known that I enjoy being touched, and I have known that I have covered my true expression with the image of how it was that I wanted to be perceived by others. Goddamn, it has been my physical expression that I have hidden from, the real me. This being here, this expression here is what I have been all along. Not what I thought I should or shouldn't be, only what I have been. And there is the voice inside that says to me, "you can't just be you, what would they think? What might come out if you do not constantly monitor each expression, then the truth of yourself may be exposed, and that is unacceptable."
Whoa, now this is some extensive shit, connected to every point within me. The extent that I can forgive myself is so far reaching, within every aspect of who I have become. That puts a new perspective on things. Hehehe. Extensive, yet simple. The physical. Me as this expression here. How could I have been so blind to that which has been here all along. Not what my mind says, but who I am here. Not an interpretation, what is here for all to see.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I might forget who I am. Who I am is who I am here. This physical being here. I only need to see me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind in an effort to "make sure" that I am "correct" that I am here. To "make sure" that I have not missed something.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as this physical being here within each and every moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must hang onto the realizations that I have had, lest I lose sight of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my understanding of the world and myself represents reality more accurately than who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I will go back into my mind and forget all about my physicality here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I may be just reiterating things that I have heard from Desteni, and have doubted that I am actually expressing myself, and instead have only memorized "correct" phrases, and that I really am just repeating what I have heard.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder where I must go and what I must do now to remain within the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others according to how much one understands, according to how I have perceived myself and others' understanding. Huh?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone reading this will think or show me that I am full of shit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider how I will be judged and base my worth upon that perceived judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing that I actually enjoy others' responses because I have feared being seen as someone that needs feedback.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to not give a shit whether or not someone reads or responds to my posts, because I have wanted to appear "strong" or self-motivated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as according to how I have defined myself, and not just seeing me for who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure that people stay far enough away so that there is little or no danger of being rejected or criticized for who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious about ridding myself of my mind. I am here, I express myself here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have an aversion to using the word "here" because I have feared that if I would be "incorrect" in stating that I am here, then it would look like I am full of shit, and then people would just write me off as someone who is mostly just full of shit.
Goddamn, fear of rejection is extensive. I have judged myself as unacceptable, and who I am has been hidden. I have rejected myself, and instead have created an image so that I could be accepted as an image instead of myself. My mind fears rejection, because it has rejected me, and it does not want to be rejected and exposed as the illusion that it is. So it does everything to make itself real through its existence through me as me. It has been me, I have wanted to believe that the image could be made real, because I have thought that just myself is not grand enough. I have thought of myself as too ordinary, too repulsive, too inadequate and have followed the promise of the mind that I could one day be everything that my mind had planned for me to become. From this starting point, I have been chasing rainbows, never here, always looking to validate myself in my search for glory. In this I have become the definition of self-rejection, always chasing something more than myself. Incroyable! I forgive that I have allowed myself to suppress myself because I believed that I have to be more. I allow me to be me. Just me. I thank myself that I have allowed myself to just be me. No judgments. Me. Here, this being here. Into me I see. What do I see? ME. okay.
I just breathe here for now.