I have realised that I fear not existing as who I have believed myself to be. I was faced with this fear of existence being swallowed as what I have defined as existence. I fought to stay attached to this existence that I have believed to be the end all, as defined by the mind. I was relieved to find out that I was not swallowed into the void that I had believed was a void in which I could not exist. I have defined myself as finite, as having a begininning and an end, and I have formed my entire being around this idea of limitation. I fought to make sense of something in relation to knowledge of the past. I have allowed myself to become enslaved by such definitons of what I have allowed myself to believe as concrete ideas and realities. Do I dare face this again, or is it my desire to realise some higher truth that I allow to direct me in this process? I have not yet let go of who I have believed myself to be. As there are many definitions that I hold onto to apparently keep me grounded. To not lose myself. Which is a certainty that I have defined myself as something that can be defined, either finite or infinite, it is still just a concept of the mind, a reason of rationality that originates from a point of knowledge. Which is nothing short of utter limitation and enslavement to a creation that I have decided is real, and I have so chosen to live my life according to the rules of this creation and the belief system within it. I have chosen to live as the mind, as a belief of reality.
It is the fear of losing the things that I have experienced to be desrieable that has kept me bound. The fear of the unknown, the fear of finding out the truth of myself. I have defined myself and have grown to be attached to that in which I have defined myself to be. It is the fear of actually seeing me as something different than what I have defined as me that has kept me from the actual me. The fear that I wil be disappointed or the fear that I will not like what i see. So instead I have hung on to this image of "me" because I have judged it as acceptable and fear what I might see if I actually see me. So I have chosen not to see me. I have turned away out of fear of myself.