Monday, October 27, 2008

I have realisations of myself and automatically, there is an expectation that I should become more stable. But even the idea of stability is only an idea, and the thought of stability implies that there is none within me as who I exist as here. If I were truly stable, then there would be no thought of this stability, but only I would exist as who I am, and definitions would be no more, since all that would exist is simply self. The desire within to gauge my progress, and to look at how far I've apparently gotten is another indication that I look toward a definition of myself to explain who I am. As if to pat myself on the back and say "good job self, you are getting there", also implies that I have no self trust that I exist outside of a defintion of who I believe myself to be. So I breathe and remain here with me and see.
What I see is a being that searches and searches out more defintions in an effort to convince myself that I can be defined in some manner. Because there is a fear within that if I cease to define, then surely I will cease to exist. It has not been enough to see, because from a mind's perspective, there must be more to it than what is seen. There is no defintion here, and the mind cannot be satisfied with the simplicity of oneness.
"Am I doing all that I can do?" Again, just a ploy to send me off searching for something that is already here. I've always been here, but the mind is not interested in self, because self is absolute, which would mean that the mind stops, and I remain.
It is simply amazing that I have waged this battle against an image of myself that I have created to act as myself. I have fought this image as if it is greater than me. But it is only I that has breathed it into existence and have come to believe that it has had life other than the life I have given it.

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