Friday, September 26, 2008
Usually I have written in my blog...Anyways, there is this conflict within me that begs to be tended to. Yet I see its influence upon me hasn't the power I used to give it. Self honesty comes more naturally as ego fades into non existence within. I trust in me more each day as I forgive myself for allowing myself to become so self deceitful and judgmental. This morning Lucy dog looked like she had become arthritic over night. She was eating her dog food, and dropped to the ground to eat while lying next to her bowl. She tried standing three or four times, but finished up lying. I was struck with a sadness, to see her so crippled up. On our way to work, scenarios of her death, and the apparent loss of her from my world worked to gather my attention. I surprised myself at my own self awareness and being hereness. There have been times when she had hurt herself in which I was utterly frantic and in emotional turmoil. This personality was lurking to take control and direct the movement of me and I could see it there, titillating its indulgence. So we just enjoyed ourselves together in the truck and said no thanks to the emotional ride. The word "enjoyment" has taken on a rather different meaning than I have previously defined it to be. It's more along the lines of acceptance of here. Not necessarily happy, or any certain thing in particular. A beingness of here.