Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I expressed that it would be nice to get rent from Spud on time. Of course he blew up and tried every means to prove that I was wrong for expressing that. If what I express happens to cause someone to react in such a manner, obviously it is how someone chooses to live. So what happens as a result of me expressing myself here, is an unknown factor. If anything is taken into account other than who I am within a particular moment, then it is nothing but looking toward something that I have no control of whatsoever. To censor the self honest expression of who I am in any moment because of how someone may react to what I have to express is suppression of who I am in that moment. If what I express is contemplated and the outcome is weighed against expressing who I am in a moment, then it is no longer who I am, but an idea of what is acceptable for me to exist as. If who I exist as here within self honesty does not agree with those that are in my life, then it may not be suitable for those to be in my life in that moment. To censor the expression of me in any given moment to appease those within my life is an act of self deceit. Furthermore, I deceive all of existence. This is complete nonsense, yet it is the way that I have chosen to live for most of my life. So I have chosen to no longer deceive humanity with a watered down version of who I am. If this conflicts with others emotions or feelings, then it is something that will either be accepted as who one is here or it will be a conflict within themselves that will be dealt with however one chooses to deal with it. It is not I that is to budge as who I am, nor should any other budge as who they are. This is how we can be honest with ourselves within every moment. It is not defending oneself, nor is it in justifying self. It is only in complete self honesty of who one exists as here. It is to see self here. To accept what is seen. To forgive self for allowing self to exist as such. Not to be attached to who one was or is, just an acceptance and forgiveness to allow oneself to live free of any notions of what is right or wrong, or good or bad. Because within trying to change self, one enters into a cycle of ups and downs, and acceptance of self here is never realised.