Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I dreamt last night that I had lost my truck in a malfunction of a dam or a levy of sorts. The water washed it away and I was left without it. I had no money to get a new one. Upon seeing my family afterwards, they showed me no pity, or even hinted that things would be difficult for me without a vehicle. I wanted to show them that I had no worries. But they showed no worry for me, and in this, I found that I was looking for people to see how courageous I was that I had no worry. Yet, I found that I felt left out or that they had no concern for me, because they already knew that I would make it through this hardship. So I can see that I still wish for people to act a certain way toward me. To baby me, to feel taken care of by them. So point seen and taken. This helplessness that exists within me is something that I have hidden from myself, because of an image that I have wished to believe is me. The image of a no compromise attitude, and that nothing can get me down. An image of courageousness. Yet this is only an image, not actually who I have been living as. I have sought to manipulate with this image that I have projected as myself. To get the people around me to give to me, because I have showed them that I am this image of no compromise. That I will not follow the rules, because I don't compromise myself. Easy to allow myself to believe that that is really who I am. But I see that it has been only an image that I have wished myself to be, and wished for others to see me as this image. This is nothing but desire to enslave others to me. To feel obligated to extend generosity toward me. Such manipulation I have lived as!

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