Sunday, August 24, 2008

So I just bought an AR-15. The reason that I bought it is still unclear to me. Maybe out of fear of the future. It just seemed like the practical thing for me to do at the time. If food gets incredibly hard to come by, then the best way that I have seen for me to obtain food is to hunt and fish. If it gets that bad, then what food that I will have in my garden or the food that I have in my house will last for a week at the most. Buying this rifle was to give myself more options or avenues in which to keep this body alive. Is this any different than storing up food in an event that it becomes hard to obtain food? Would this be done out of fear of the future also? Or is it possible to prepare for the future without fearing it? Is it all based in fear? Is being self sufficient based in fear? The question would be, did I move me or did my fear move me. I've been looking at getting a nice survival knife also. So am I doing this out of fear or am I doing it to move myself into self sufficiency. If I buy a fishing pole in case of a food shortage, is it because of fear or is it moving myself toward self sufficiency? It would all depend upon my starting point of whether or not I was here in self honesty or not. I bought a firearm and I am all that exists, so if the money and the firearm exist here as me, then I am one and equal to both of those manifestations. Does it make a difference if the rifle is in a gun store or in my house?
Was there a conflict within when I decided to buy this thing? In everything we do there is a choice that one makes to either act as and within a conflict to move toward an illusionary resolution to this conflict or to remain as all that one is here. If I continue to buy food from a supermarket, then I act within this manifested existence of money and participate in my dependence upon supermarkets to remain here for me to purchase food. If I live within this society and participate as a part of this society, then I maintain this society's existence as it is. Is it even possible within this manifested reality be completely free of the world that I have helped create? I live in this city and pay my taxes. Doesn't this maintain and support the city as existing as it is? Is there a way out, in an instant? Must I forsake this entire way of life here? If I run into the woods, then I am runing from all that I exist as here, which once again is a means to some illusion of resolution. So I still have no answer. If I study martial arts, is it out of fear that I might get attacked or would I be doing it because that is the self honest expression of who I am here? Why I bought the goddamn thing has no bearing on who I exist as here. It is only the mind that wants to know. So to continue to search for an answer keeps me bound to the past as something that I had done as defining me as who I am here. I feel no different for having this firearm in my possesion. It hasn't changed who I am. I have no added sense of power or feeling of more security. To try and decide if what I did yesterday supports the mind in the past and who I exist as here becomes there and then. Not here.

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