Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I realised today on the way home from work that indeed there is a fear that exists within me to stand as myself, out of fear of what will happen to the relationship that currently exists between my mom and I. To just come out and say that religion is enslavement, has many scenarios that come up within my mind. Most of them are undesirable to me. Yet this fear keeps me enslaved to an image that I have intended to uphold as who I am. To project or portray an image that can be accepted by her. I have not even allowed her to respond to who I am here, because I have not been completely honest about who I am here. I have only allowed her to see certain parts of myself that I have believed that she may be able to accept as me. Which, although I have hinted at who I am, I have suppressed the actual true expression of myself, because I have wanted to keep her accepting me. Even though the me I have projected is not really who I am, entirely. Which, although it may seem close to who I am, it is common sense that even being 99 percent one's true self is still 100 percent deception of who I am here. One is either the self honest expression of oneself or one is completely and utterly deceiving self.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to curb the true expression of who I am here out of fear of upsetting mom.I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as tip toeing around the true expression of myself in an effort to remain in favor of mom.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mom's reaction to the self honest expression of who I am here.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being estranged from my family members out of fear of their reactions to being the self honest expression of who I am here.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being on the outside of the family looking in.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from my family.I am who I am, and if who I am is not accepted by my family members for being who I am, then there is no point in trying to hang on to something that comes and goes according to who someone believes me to be or how I am perceived to be. I stand here as myself as all that I am here.