Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Talked the John Demaree and Milo today about some things that I could have never have talked about before. The fear of being judged as a certain type of person would have scared me away from actually expressing the thing that I talked about. Things like the portal and Anu and sexual expression and really things that I haven't been so candid about, except on the internet. It is nice to just express who I am. There are still hang ups about exposing too much of myself, but to find myself actually voicing the self honest expression of who I am has rarely happenend within this lifetime. In the past, much of what I have said has been ambiguous on purpose. In this way, what I had said could fit into one's belief system and I could avoid contoversy, while at the same time, could lead one to believe that I believed much of the same beliefs. This was done out of fear of being rejected, fear of being confronted or ridiculed, and fear of standing as myself.
I find that as I express myself honestly, that it encourages others to do the same, as John had shared some sexual experiences he had when he was a boy, that he has told very few people about. My entire life has been about hiding who I really am behind an exterior image or illusion.
It is foremost in releasing the image of myself that I have projected as myself that will fade into non existence as I remain as I am here unconditionally. Rarely has anyone showed their true colors to me because I have never shown my true colors. So this world of secrets and hiding ourselves has been compounded according to my involvement in this charade. I am finding that it doesn't have to be controversial to stand as myself. Although the self honest expression of myself may seem controversial to the mind I have allowed to suppress me, withholding or supressing myself only breeds more suppression of existence, as others project an image of who they are unto the image that I, myself have projected as myself unto them. So it ends up being two projected images of ourselves in a relationship of self dishonesty, our actual selves buried deep beneath an image we had created to act as ourselves.

No comments: