Sunday, November 9, 2008

I seek or run from relationships because I fear non acceptance and fear of being left alone. I have a need within for support from others to stand as myself, but common sense shows me that it is alone that I am able to stand as myself. It is a concept that if I were to have support for a little while, then I can learn to stand here as self. This is just an excuse that can be made to remain dependent upon the relationships that I have created for myself.
There's a desire within to express oneness and equality, which stems from my own need to be accepted as something valuable by others. For the words I speak to be insightful to those who hear so that I may have some evidence of my own self worth to the world. This goes back to me as a child, when my desire was to please my parents, to be seen and accepted as a "good son" and to hear the words "I'm proud of you son." I have done all that I have known how to do to be accepted by the world, and it is all for nothing, because I have not accepted myself here. I have looked to the world to tell me that I am good enough or that I am doing enough, and still I gained no more acceptance. I have gone largely unnoticed by the world, and it has been a great desire of mine to be seen and accepted for anything by anyone. I have constantly cried out to the world "hey, look at me! Am I good enough to be accepted? Am I doing what I need to do to be accepted and noticed?" This all because I have looked for acceptance in the first place. Thus, I've created myself and the world around me to become the expression of lack of acceptance of myself. Can I say goodbye to the world and say hello to myself? It is for me to reveal.

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