There are definitions of each situation within the mind, which selects from within a "multiple choice" of definitions to make sense of the world. It is limited to that in which one has defined the world. For instance, to say that someone is mean, is choosing from within a definition that exists within the mind. Within choosing from this "multiple choice", one only expands one's own definition of what mean is, and reinforces the idea of 'mean' as an idea of reality.

Each idea is connected to another definition of reality.

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It is the opportunity for me here to embrace myself as I am here. There is an idea that I might not be noticed if I were to just be myself, without doing something out of the ordinary in order to be noticed. It has been my modus operandi; to step out of my 'ordinary placement' within this world. I have never embraced this situation, because I have longed for others to stand in awe of me. I wanted something more than myself here, and from this desire, became the manifested expression of non-acceptance of myself here.

If I am unnoticed...then I am unnoticed. To desire something else breeds only dissatisfaction and non-acceptance of who I am here. This is true of all desire. It is plain to see that one can never be satisfied by becoming dissatisfied with what is here. It is ridiculously obvious, yet it is rarely ever seen or understood.

If it is understood that, I am that I am, then to allow myself to exist within and as desire or dissatisfaction is truly the epitome of self-abuse.

Interesting...I sent out this email to Shauna, and I haven't a clue if it is even her email or if it is, if she even checks it. Hehehe. A year ago, I would have been in knots, waiting for a reply. But today, there is no "best" scenario. Any result is an opportunity to face myself within self-honesty of who I exist as here. I have to admit that I almost feel like jumping up and down in ecstasy because I see how little I am attached to a certain outcome. Also, I would have been hoping desparately that she wouldn't misconstrue what I had written to her. HA.

I see that within any situation, that it is all for me to face myself. This being said; I also see a trap that I have fallen into in similar situations in which I have taken for granted that I am a "greater" being now, so to relax and give myself a "break" from remaining here is something I can "treat" myself to. It is utterly ridiculous to believe in such a thing.

I wrote Shauna an email, and what came out of it was a placement of an agreement with myself that I accept myself for all that I am within self-honesty. I have had so many ideas of her as the most perfect person on earth. A commodity that one needs to trap and contain within a box of a relationship.

Perhaps continuous contact with her would facilitate myself to remain self-dishonest, which is unacceptable. I see that anything and everything supports me to stand as the self-honest expression of myself here. What she chooses is of no relevance to who I am here. How I had come to place an agreement in front of her was but myself expressing myself here as all that I exist as here. Whether or not she is willing to assist herself as the self-honest expression of herself as all as one as equal is largely an unknown, and yet another opportunity to prove to myself that I am able to trust in self here unconditionally.

I have been gone for so long, and I welcome myself to remain here. Thoughts of future outcomes are not welcome here. I am here. It is nice to be here within acceptance of all that I am here.

From this point of searching out acceptance in which I have based my entire life upon, I have created myself to become the manifested expression of non-acceptance of myself. Any time I have accomplished what I had sought, I have not gotten any more acceptance than when I had started, because when I had reached a point that I had believed would finally gain the acceptance that I so desparately desired, it was still nowhere within myself. I was already the manifested expression of non-acceptance of self here. Thus any exterior acceptance still did not exist within and as myself.

This is a major point to realise. It is the origin of who I have become and is key to remaining within acceptance of who I am here. I have pursued "perfection" in every aspect of my life so that the world would apparently have no choice but to accept me as I am; and the world has accepted me as who I am, which has been as the manifested expression of non-acceptance. All because I have begun the search in the first place, which only implies that that in which I have searched out does not exist here.

I find that my placement within this world is that of the extremely ordinary. This has sent me on mission after mission to prove to the world that I am anything but ordinary. As a small child, I had little interest in what my peers thought of me, but adults' opinion of me, I held in highest regard. From adults, I got praise for the things I did, but from children my age, I was hardly ever noticed. It was from authourity figures that I sought acceptance, because I was able to stand out as something "special".
This desire to be "special" has held my attention, maybe more than any other one thing within this lifetime. From within this starting point I have built my personality as it exists today. This personality is dependent upon others' acceptance of me. I have not realised that, I have searched and searched outside myself for acceptance that does not exist, because it has not existed within. Acceptance is not something that is gained, as I had believed. Acceptance IS.

I have existed as the mind, constantly watching myself from a mind's perspective; judging my every move in order to keep tabs on who I exist as. I have not realised that consulting the mind to explain to me who I am is but a reflection of who I actually am. It is a distorted view, tainted by the beliefs that I have allowed to be constructed within and as myself. From within this I create myself to be self-judgment, and self-acceptance is never realised. What has been accepted is self-judgment and what I have defined from within the mind as acceptable. I have not allowed self to participate here, because I have had no self-trust and I have not been aware that self even exists. Ideas have replaced self, and it is ideas that have been the director of my existence. "I" has not existed here. It is because the mind has been involved in every aspect of my being, and I have believed that I am exclusively the mind, and the possibilities I have allowed are all within the limitations of the mind's constructs and beliefs.

Reading Osho's words, I have realised that beautiful words are used to conceal the true nature of self. I have used the same strategy in being "nice". It is nothing but a mask of my true nature, in the same way that people display themselves to be "mean" to disguise the nature of themselves and present a tough exterior so that nobody goes past the exterior. This is all done out of fear of revealing who one really is.

Beliefs are barriers. Everyone with a belief, thinks their belief is the real truth. Beliefs have nothing to do with what is absolute. But rather all about a decision to live within a certain set of rules and remain within these cycles endlessly. Within this belief system there is not any avenue available to go beyond the barriers within that belief system. It is a closed loop, and remains so for as long as one continues to live through and as the belief system adopted. The belief system does not include seeing itself, because it is placed to maintain and upgrade itself to remain within and as the being that has lived through and as the belief.

As realisations are made, to allow these realisations to pass without hanging onto them in an attempt at turning the realisation into knowledge can be a real challenge. It is a fresh moment here that is real. Who one is within this moment is the only matter. Self trust is never called upon by hanging onto knowledge. It is fear of the future that causes us to listen to the mind's logic and go back to a past realisation of ourselves and bring that knowledge to the present. This strips us of any realisation of ourselves here. Because in bringing forth a memory to deal with this new moment, we choose "security" of the past, which is based upon fear of the future and lack of self trust here.

It is remaining here that exercises our self trust, and the only way that self trust can ever be realised as that in which we are. All other practices keep us enslaved to our minds. What we have defined as "security" is the post to which we have kept ourselves tethered; because we have believed that something other than self is required to remain here. Enslavement has become our security because we have no self trust that without being tethered to some belief, that we would have no basis and would lose ourselves.


The resistance that exists to simply remaining here within awareness of breath is lack of self trust. Because we want reassurance that we are living "correctly." This summons the mind to step in and take control. It is the belief that if we could first consult the reasoning mind to gauge ourselves to be absolutely sure that we can just breathe without any unseen consequences, then it would finally be okay to do so. Of course, this is practice in self suppression, since self is not the starting point of this situation, but self-distrust instead is called upon to be the director.

To remain here as the self honest expression of who I am, I am bombarded with thoughts and distractions. Security presents itself as of utmost importance. The fear that if I don't think and don't make sure that I am doing and being the "right" thing is at the forefront, and presents me with security "problems". This figuring and deciphering myself has been so thoroughly placed as myself, that I often engage in this habit without even being aware that I am supporting myself to exist as and through ideas of myself.

I am not an idea. I am here as the physical manifestation and expression that I have become. To be aware of myself here transcends definition. I am the physically manifested statement that I have allowed myself to become. It is within the parameters of my own beliefs that I have become so extremely limited by the beliefs onto which I hold.

It is within remaining here without defining myself or the experience within the experience. I am merely here. That includes everything and I become awareness of what is here.

I am faced with programming my mind to self honesty. How is this done? My thoughts are beliefs that I have of the world, and these beliefs are what bind me to the experience that I have of myself.They limit me to the belief system that I have placed within. Therefore nothing but the belief system and the consequences of that belief system in which I participate can ever manifest here.



The world today exists as it does, because we have made it so, through our own interpretation of reality. It is the experience of myself here that is the origin of creation. If I believe something to be true, then I have already made it so through my own belief. It is the limitation that I have placed upon myself. To discard my beliefs is to discard limitation.



It is to remain here without conclusions or interpretations of what is here. The experience itself is already absolute, with no need for understanding. Understanding takes place during the experience of oneself experiencing self here without explanation.



From a baby, we knew no limitation. But to connect with the human beings in this world, we were forced to comply with the views and beliefs that had been chosen by those that had gone before us. They had chosen to live within a set of beliefs and parameters, and have called it reality. We were taught to believe as they do, and to limit our experience to that in which they have believed to be absolute, but as it turns out, it is accepted self-inflicted limitation.



If I am to feel anxious then that is my own acceptance of myself to exist as such. I am why. I am the cause of my experience. Interpretting what is seen only limits what is seen to exist as an explanation of what is seen. I feel anxious because I allow myself to feel anxious. To look for reasons as to why I feel anxious is to disregard myself here, and seeks out comfort in reason.

The physical is absolute. It exists here. Who I exist as physically here is absolute and cannot be questioned. It is the I am. Within awareness of I am, illusion does not exist. It is an absolute statement of hereness with no room for interpretation, judgments or opinions.

Living as the self honest expression of self as oneness and equality is each and everyones' responsibility to themselves in being self honest. It is either through standing as oneness and equality here, or in manifesting self as the the dishonesties that one has decided to live within and as in order to see the consequences of self dishonesty upon existence. We have not stood as oneness and equality because we have hidden ourselves from the consequences that we create as self dishonesty. It has not affected us directly enough for us to actually care about the dishonesties we continue to live within and as. So we continue to choose our desires over oneness and equality.

Within choosing self dishonesty, we manifest ourselves as the suffering of the world, so that we may see for ourselves that our desires are manifested as self abuse. Until we have abused ourselves and have suffered extensively enough from the self abuse that we have chosen to create as ourselves, do we finally see. It is when we have had enough self abuse that we will finally say no more do I accept myself as self abuse, and a stand for and as oneness and equality becomes inevitable.

It is our own choice here that decides which path will be taken. Do we choose oneness and equality here, or do we choose to manifest self abuse until we finally see?

These ideas that we get from the mind are nothing but something we have allowed as our own beliefs to exist. It limits us to that in which we believe. If we believe we are too weak, then we manifest ourselves as "too weak". If we believe ourselves to be not able to stand, then that is manifested as ourselves. If we believe the mind is too powerful for us to stop it, it is because we have allowed that belief to exist.

It is common sense to see that when we believe in something, it places us within a condition that the mind has set up for us to live within and as. As an example I will use the example of the belief of being in a hole:

I am in a hole and need to find a way out: this is the belief system that has been set up.

There are various ideas on how to get out of this hole, and it has been said by many people before us that we must find a way to get out. There are stories of many people getting close. And even I, myself have felt very close to the rim, only to end up falling just I had reached what I had believed was the highest I had ever gotten.
But all of this attainment is nothing but an idea of elevation gain. By what others have told us and our experience of, when we get close to the rim, an overall sense of well being, which as it turns out is also just an idea of what we believe well being is.

All the while we have not realised that our idea that there is a way out is just an illusion and a belief that has been passed down from generation to generation.
The reality is that it appears as if there is a way out, but we have never considered that there is no way out and that it is not even a hole to begin with, but rather a cone that stretches into infinity, with one possible outcome. Which is, of course, that there is no way out, and what we have believed and based our enitre existence upon is an idea of freedom from that in which there is no possibility for escape, and we are stuck here.

I have continued to stab myself in the back, because I haven't not lived as the torture of myself to satisfy the mind that has taken great pleasure in my perception of agony. I have not stood up because I have not raped myself enough to satisy the empty hole that I have allowed myself to become. I have not given a flying fuck about anything or anybody but my own perception of myself. To exist as greater than all of existence has held my attention and my every move has been from this starting point. No, my life has not been of oneness and equality, no not an iota of oneness and equality has ever even been considered, because I have held onto my own self importance over all of existence.
So I declare here that yes, I have had enough. We have suffered enough because of my self promoting agenda. No, I am not sorry. I do not accept myself as being sorry. I do not accept myself as self preservation. I do not accept myself as a raping, plundering back stabbing manifestion within this world. I stand here for oneness and equality. I am not happy. I am not sad. I do not accept myself as happy or sad because neither stand as oneness and equality. I do not accept myself as anything that cannot stand as oneness and equality. I do not accept others to accept me, other than from the starting point of oneness and equality.
Tall words, and absolutely meaningless without application. I do not accept myself as hoping that I can live up to the words I speak because hoping is not of oneness and equality and from a starting point of saving face and cowardice. Yes, tall words I speak indeed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up when I have been able to stand as oneness and equality all along.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as believing that it is too fucking hard to stand for oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as not dedicating myself to myself as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait to stand until conditions were just right for me to stand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and not take responsibility for the suffering of the world that I myself have allowed and accepted as just the way it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as needing others to stand as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as making any excuse available to delay standing for and as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong.
Strong is not of oneness and equality, but a manifestation of polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as being "serious" about standing up this time.
Serious is a definition of myself and is of polarity.
I stand here as myself as oneness and equality for oneness and equality.
I am no greater or less than anything or anyone in existence. I am existence as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe I need advice as how I can stand for oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek being ahead or on top of process.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that process means the process of all beings and not about the process of an individual.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to look down upon individuals that do not understand process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to individuals as being "ahead" in process.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself as an individual being and have believed myself to be separate from anything.
There is one, and that one is me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be concerned with talking shit, so have kept quiet so I that I could remain a "man of my word."
I forgive myself that I have carefully chosen the words I speak so that I could appear as a "man of my word."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an image of reality.Ii forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being corrected by another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as allowing another as something other than oneness and equality, so as not to disturb their happy little illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that bliss is of oneness and equality.
If we are one, how can bliss exist in this attrocity we have created?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can exist outside the suffering of the world.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am the suffering of the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to look for a way out of this suffering so that I may live oblivious to the suffering of the world.
I am the world and the world is me and we suffer together as long as any suffer.

Standing as all as one as equal. What will it take for me to do stand? The hour is 12:00 and this preprogrammed existence has not stood as one and equal. We have chosen non-existence over self. To ignore ourselves and live as slaves to a predetermined program that we have refused to let go. Until the bitter end we cling to absolute predictability. There is a library of endless opportunity, yet from one book we choose to read over and over, because it gives us great comfort to be familiar with the story. We fear that what we may hear from another book, so it is from the book that we have read countless times that we continue read. Lifeless predictability, with no room for deviation into the unknown.

This robot works well alone, and as people come to recognise him, his programming gets haywired, and no longer knows how to behave. If it is something that others enjoy, then he feels obligated to become the source of their enjoyment. And yet when he is not recognised by others, his efforts are toward doing something that stands out from the rest, so that he may feel some self worth, by others' oohs and ahhs.

I've realised these things about myself, especially the alone part. It is as if I've been set up to remain on the fringe of society. A position that I have never come to embrace. It suited me well in my teenage years as a saboteur of social functions, but even then I sought notoriety.
So from this position of "just under the radar", how may I assist from this point as oneness and equality?

I've found that no matter what it is that I do, that I will never gain anybody's acceptance from something I do or don't do because it is the being within that is of the only importance. In my case the being within has been of trying to gain acceptance through a doing of something. To attempt to define myself by an activity, and have completely disregarded the being within. So in this I have not been here to even have any chance at acceptance, because the being has been non-existent.

For me to be a part of desteni has largely been for my own accomplishment. It is what I had seen as "the truth", and one of my greatest desires has been to know the truth of all things. Not for the sake of being one and equal with everyone, but rather to elevate myself into "the know" for my own well being, and sense of bliss. Other points such as feeling a sense of accomplishment and or being a key figure in the history of man also was much of my motivation. Oneness and equality was just an idea that cloaked my intentions of self gain. Image, ego, and comfort being the primary forces involved.
Nonetheless, it is who I am here that counts in every moment of every breath. It has taken me quite a journey to realise that it is not possible to go in and out of self honesty and somehow become the living, breathing, physically manifested expression of self honesty. But an unwavering dedication to myself to live self honesty in every moment of every breath into eternity. Then comes a point of no return in which all that one is is self, in which self dishonesty is no longer an option, because it longer exists within.
Still it is who I am here; this moment that determines the nature of my unfoldment. It is who I am here that is the microcosym of myself eternally.

I have accepted and allowed programs to run as myself within each moment of breath. The programs that run are the programs that continue to run into the future. So those programs in which I participate are those that I have accepted and allowed to remain within.

Maybe that sounds confusing....uh....For instance, if there is a desire within for sex, it is there because I have allowed that program to be installed by my participation in that program.
Periodically that program will flash on the screen in a pop up window and say:
"desire for sex? please click the option you'd like to be carried out."
Then there will be a list of options like :
"Masturbate-call girlfriend-go to bar-fantasize-remind me later."
So no matter what line of action is taken from this desire, it will still be from the starting point of this program directing me.
We've become the programs in which we have participated.
Run program "breathe".
Run program "self-forgiveness"
Run program "self honesty"

I seek or run from relationships because I fear non acceptance and fear of being left alone. I have a need within for support from others to stand as myself, but common sense shows me that it is alone that I am able to stand as myself. It is a concept that if I were to have support for a little while, then I can learn to stand here as self. This is just an excuse that can be made to remain dependent upon the relationships that I have created for myself.
There's a desire within to express oneness and equality, which stems from my own need to be accepted as something valuable by others. For the words I speak to be insightful to those who hear so that I may have some evidence of my own self worth to the world. This goes back to me as a child, when my desire was to please my parents, to be seen and accepted as a "good son" and to hear the words "I'm proud of you son." I have done all that I have known how to do to be accepted by the world, and it is all for nothing, because I have not accepted myself here. I have looked to the world to tell me that I am good enough or that I am doing enough, and still I gained no more acceptance. I have gone largely unnoticed by the world, and it has been a great desire of mine to be seen and accepted for anything by anyone. I have constantly cried out to the world "hey, look at me! Am I good enough to be accepted? Am I doing what I need to do to be accepted and noticed?" This all because I have looked for acceptance in the first place. Thus, I've created myself and the world around me to become the expression of lack of acceptance of myself. Can I say goodbye to the world and say hello to myself? It is for me to reveal.

So this program, which is me, runs continuously. It is what I have accepted as myself to exist as here. Any movement within is a program that has been installed through my acceptance of it being installed. If this movement or program is acted upon then I have become the program, and each program that has been installed continues to upgrade to a newer version.
There are ideas of myself that keep me existing as the program of ideas. For example, to judge myself as either nice or mean because of something I do is a program, and it gets me to make a move from the starting point of judgment of what my programming consists. In my case, my programming has moved toward an image of being nice, so that program has been running in order for me to seek out the definition of "nice" and manufacture myself as that image of niceness. This nice image is connected to another program that seeks relationships to reinforce my image of being a nice person. The relationships we seek are nothing but a program that seeks to turn self into the ultimate image that one has believed is the ultimate self. The idea of the ultimate is a changing idea, thus what one seeks is uncertain and always just out of reach.
We are already the ultimate product of our programming, and we have gotten here by the programs that we have existed within and as. So if ideas are programs, and I exist as a program then it is to program ideas out of myself until ideas and concepts no longer exist within. It is not from a starting point of who I think I should or shouldn't be, but from who I am here. Because it is who I am here that is not a concept or program, but an actual manifested being.

I'm of the impression that it might be necessary for me to be completely alone in this process. Of course, that is the case, but for me to actually live the self honest expression of me, nuclear holocaust and me as the only survivor or something like that comes to mind. Hehe. Or maybe a little less drastic scenario in which I am completely ostracised or abandonned by friends and family. Why would I say such a thing? When I have seen avenues that can be taken in lieu of standing here as myself within self honesty, I have gone down those roads that have allowed me to compromise myself, and in this compromise, I have no self awareness. Self has been the last resort when all else fails. The point that I haven't realised is that self is where it starts and where it ends. I am the origin, but I have not lived within this awareness because there has been nothing to force me to live as such.
I have friends and family to apparently "cure" my loneliness. I have been accepted as the image that I have projected or believed myself to be. If the world suddenly changed and did not accept me as the self dishonest being that I have come to be, then I would have no choice but to live within and as self honesty.
Thoughts of removing myself from society often come up, because from a mind's perspective, it would stand to reason that I would be "alone". I know lots of things from a mind's perspective and yet it does nothing for myself to stand as one and equal with existence. It has been the few times in my life, that I have apparently lost everything that I have been able to live within self forgiveness. It is the mind that tells me that I actually have something to lose.
Janis Joplin in "Bobby McGee" said that "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose", and it is when I have either lost everything or given up everything that I have no choice left.
Which one it will take for me to live as the expression of oneness and equality is a mystery.

I have realisations of myself and automatically, there is an expectation that I should become more stable. But even the idea of stability is only an idea, and the thought of stability implies that there is none within me as who I exist as here. If I were truly stable, then there would be no thought of this stability, but only I would exist as who I am, and definitions would be no more, since all that would exist is simply self. The desire within to gauge my progress, and to look at how far I've apparently gotten is another indication that I look toward a definition of myself to explain who I am. As if to pat myself on the back and say "good job self, you are getting there", also implies that I have no self trust that I exist outside of a defintion of who I believe myself to be. So I breathe and remain here with me and see.
What I see is a being that searches and searches out more defintions in an effort to convince myself that I can be defined in some manner. Because there is a fear within that if I cease to define, then surely I will cease to exist. It has not been enough to see, because from a mind's perspective, there must be more to it than what is seen. There is no defintion here, and the mind cannot be satisfied with the simplicity of oneness.
"Am I doing all that I can do?" Again, just a ploy to send me off searching for something that is already here. I've always been here, but the mind is not interested in self, because self is absolute, which would mean that the mind stops, and I remain.
It is simply amazing that I have waged this battle against an image of myself that I have created to act as myself. I have fought this image as if it is greater than me. But it is only I that has breathed it into existence and have come to believe that it has had life other than the life I have given it.

I have been running from the thoughts that have become me. There is nowhere to hide from all that I am. To run only denies that I exist as such. I have been scared of the thoughts that come up within me because I have separated myself from the thoughts that are me. The thoughts and definitions are not something separate from me. They are me. It is to see the thoughts as myself and to forgive myself that I have limited myself to thoughts and definitions that I have placed myself within and as. It is to embrace all of me and to live within self forgiveness that I have allowed all these things to manifest as myself. I have been running from myself for a long time, and I have realised that I cannot escape. I can only live me as this breath within self honesty of what I see.

What I see as who I am is someone that is deathly scared of realising something about myself that maybe true, but I am unwillingly to see. I have not been self honest with myself and it comes out often when I talk about others' fuck ups. In this pointing out others' dishonesty, I am extremely scared that that is exactly who I am. So it has been my way of hiding from myself the truth of myself. I know myself through and through, but admitting to myself that I am the manifestation of self deceit, will kill the being that I have held so dear. To see that I have not stood as myself, when I believe that I have been doing that, means that I choose self deception and manipulation over self honesty. I fear the hard life, so out of this fear and self interest, I choose the "easy" path. I have chosen to wait until the bitter end to stand as myself, which means that I will not stand as one and equal unless I am forced to do so.
I forgive myself that I have waited for something outside myself to force me to see myself as who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ego to control my every move.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as the ego that I have been so scared of losing as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to use excuses to justify not standing as myself as one and equal with all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see who I am here, through self deception and ego boosting manipulation of myself and the world around me.
I forgive myself that I have believed myself to be a concept of who I think I am in any given moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in my own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted the comforting feeling of believing that I am doing what I can to stand one and equal with all.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that even a little self deception is still complete dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am close to a concept of self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to conclude that I am pretty fucking close to being self honest in every moment when I still choose self deception over self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view self honesty as a concept.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that self honesty is a practice and not an idea.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being self honest some of the time is enough to get me by.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that self honesty here in every moment is self honoring self with self participation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to a comparison of others in their process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paint a wonderful image of myself as something I'd like to believe of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself existing in and as beyond others in their process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as neither here nor there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the definition of non existence of self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as fearing going through process "the hard way".
I forgive myself that I have I accepted myself as fearing myself remaining the manifested self that I have become.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be intimate with myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define self intimacy as a lonely existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace myself, and support myself as who exist as here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to forgive myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as desiring support from others in my own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run as fast as I can toward self realisation out of fear of a painful existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I have attacked self honesty from the starting point of fearing the manifestaion of me as self dishonesty.
I breathe.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I am deathly scared of being alone, and have done everything in my power to convince myself that I am immune to loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am the manifestaion of loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that hiding loneliness from myself only supresses myself as the loneliness that exists.
I embrace me.
It will all pass, all that I have become through the embracing of myself and the self honesty that remains here as all that I am. All that I am or who I have believed myself to be will pass. For I have become all that I am. Therefore all that I have become shall be undone. It is to embrace me self honestly, and to forgive all that in which I see. For who I am is nothing but a definition of who I believe myself to be. Good, bad, and all polarity that I have defined as myself will pass and I will be left without definition of who I am. Which is exactly what I have feared most. For I exist as a concept of myself and this gives me what I have defined as security. Security that needs constant reasurrance that I exist as who I have believed myself to be. Only when nothing that I have defined myself to be exists, will I truly be here as that in which I exist as indefinitely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear expressing myself for fear of not living the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being held acountable for the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to justify not standing as who I am here, because I have justified to myself that it is normal to half ass it.
I forgive myself that have allowed myself to fear being challenged or shown by another that I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear to be self honest when I know that I am really just half assing this whole process.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to fear criticism because I have feared hearing what may be true of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself to see that I run from the loneliness that is me.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that my preference for being alone is just a defense mechanism that originates from the fear of being abandoned.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is myself that I have abandoned.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am punishing myself for the guilt within that I have denied exists.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as not worthy of life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I hide the pain that exists within me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have judged my pain to be weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace the pain that I have come to exist as.
I forgive myself that have have allowed myself to hang on to the feeling of happiness out of fear of pain and suffering.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that happiness is just the other end of a cycle that I have allowed myself participate.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that fear of myself has been the directive force that I have called god.
I forgive myself that I have allowed fear of myself to direct me.
I forgive myself that I have not taken responsibility for all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I have created all that I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I have become exactly that in which I have allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that by embracing myself, I accept responsiblity for all that I have become.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is I that have given the directive principle of self away to the manifestations of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is all me.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself to be anything.
I forgive myself for running from all that I have created myself to be.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I am the conflict that I have created myself to be.
I forgive myself that I haven't realised that I am one with the conflict that I have created.
I forgive myself that I haven't unconditionally accepted self as who I am here.
I breathe.

To reassure myself that I am a certain type of being, is lack of self trust. In defining myself to be a certain thing, I have closed the door on all that I am. Looking at the future and all of the outcomes that I see as possible, and what I must do in a particular situation implies that I have no self trust that self remains here under all conditions. For if I already trust myself, then no thought would exist as to how I should behave. I would already be the living self trust here as myself.
In fearing that I may do the "wrong" thing, and ultimately choose to "cover all bases" as the mind, I have already forsaken self trust, to allow the comfort of ideas and concepts to take the place of self trust. Thus, self is never present to face what is here, and self trust will never exist. Until self remains here absolutely, under all circumstances, self trust cannot be proved and remains as a mere concept.
In a sense, at this point, not even self trust exists, because self trust is all that remains. At this point only self remains as one and equal with existence.

I visited Shauna last night. I haven't seen her in many months. Some thoughts try to entertain me with possible future circumstances. There is a desire within me to be in a relationship. There is an idea or concept that would have me believe that it would be so much nicer to have someone that relies on me for affection and also for me to express my affection toward a being. The thought of making someone happy or being someone's sunshine is deeply seeded within and as me. These desires would have me in pursuit of dreams that I have viewed as the good life. Shauna fits the ideas that I have had of what the perfect someone for me entails. This is how I have defined her. I used to believe that she would bring out the best in me, this is a reason that I had fallen for her so hard. I see that the "best" of me is simply me as all that I am here. It was only a personality that I had created to act as I believed I should act. To be seen as a "good" man, honest, sensitive, hard working, caring, strong, confident, loving, expressive, creative, intelligent, masculine, etc. Who I had become was someone that was out to prove that I was all of these things, instead of just remaining here as myself. To convince someone that I am a certain way instead of just being here as all that I am, for all to see.

There is a desire to gain a concept or a definition of who I am. An interpretter that needs to explain the situation. It is in need of endless information in order to come to a definable conclusion. To continually gauge "where" I am in this process. I have found that I allow this movement within to move me. It is to be busy with the concerns that arise, so that self remains inactive and unnoticed. This task master has had me following its every whim, and has sparked my interest in it through curiosity and visions of a "higher" quality life experience. This searching for something different or greater has become my great addiction. I see it throughout every aspect of this existence as myself. What I have seen as a negative or non existent has moved me toward to the flip side to apparently gain what I have not. Which manifests me further as all that is lacking, because I have engaged in an activity that demonstrates how one that lacks something exists.

So sometimes I write...just to write and my blog is the place for me to do that. So apparently there is a conflict within. Mostly, I just type in my blog...but since I was informed that to be involved in PF, I had to post a certain number of posts within a certain amount of time, I feel a need to post my blog there too??? I must admit that it feels like homework or something of the sort. Although I enjoy writing to extract these hidden conflicts within, I have felt no real need to advertise my struggles. As I write these things, I realise that there is so much connected to a mind conscoiusness system, that has prevented my from posting on Desteni. For one, I haven't wanted to clog up the forum with loads of garbage, and endless ramblings about problems that all have the same application of process. Which so happens to be self forgiveness and self honesty and self application. So I have felt it to be redundant in nature to just go blah blah blah blah blah...self forgiveness, self application within self honesty. Is this just self judgment? I also have realised that what exists within, is created and manifested in and of this world as myself. So it is within and as myself that I walk this process. So once again to be blatantly honest, I sometimes say to myself, "I don't get it...why must I do certain things to remain on private forum?" and from a mind perspective, I understand that it is me assisting me, yet the conflict at hand is some sort of construct that feels threatened to be told what to do. Something that I have seen akin to my parents telling me to clean my room, or waking up every morning and going to work at a job that I don't like. Not that I don't enjoy participation, but when it is demanded, an automatic reaction wants to come alive and say "fuck off, I do what I want, when I want, and how I want mutha fucka!" Hahahaha. OMG! These constructs are so deep rooted, and I still view them as who I am. But I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am a defintion of a "free thinker" or the definition of "one who can't be placed into a box." Hehehe. Such ego have I allowed to have power. I have also found another construct that cannot stand to be told what I already know. This would stem from a fear of misjudgment. Which would really be a desire to be judged as who I have believed myself to be. So supporting this image I have held so dear to me. It is really nonsensical when seen in common sense to want an image of self to act as self or to interact with others as self, while self remains dormant and hidden beneath. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing an image that I have believed to be me to act in place of the self honest expression of who I am here. and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen in a certain light and have loathed being seen in what I have defined as undesireable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I would clog the forum full of redundant and meaningless ramblings on and on. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to consider how I might be judged if I were to post on Desteni Universe "too" often. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to miss being on private forum. I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to wonder if I will ever qualify for private forum. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I were being forced to do something. God, that's a tough one. I have really grown accustomed to resistance toward those that I have believed are telling me what to do. Man, it is strong within. Its favorite expression is "Fuck off!" Hehe.

Usually I have written in my blog...Anyways, there is this conflict within me that begs to be tended to. Yet I see its influence upon me hasn't the power I used to give it. Self honesty comes more naturally as ego fades into non existence within. I trust in me more each day as I forgive myself for allowing myself to become so self deceitful and judgmental. This morning Lucy dog looked like she had become arthritic over night. She was eating her dog food, and dropped to the ground to eat while lying next to her bowl. She tried standing three or four times, but finished up lying. I was struck with a sadness, to see her so crippled up. On our way to work, scenarios of her death, and the apparent loss of her from my world worked to gather my attention. I surprised myself at my own self awareness and being hereness. There have been times when she had hurt herself in which I was utterly frantic and in emotional turmoil. This personality was lurking to take control and direct the movement of me and I could see it there, titillating its indulgence. So we just enjoyed ourselves together in the truck and said no thanks to the emotional ride. The word "enjoyment" has taken on a rather different meaning than I have previously defined it to be. It's more along the lines of acceptance of here. Not necessarily happy, or any certain thing in particular. A beingness of here.

No more private forum...It is strange, although I enjoy visiting the site, for me to rush and try to get back on doesn't do much for remaining here. As if a support leg has been kicked out from under me, there is a tendency to gain back the leg that I have apparently lost. Where I go from here, I haven't really a clue. Rushing back to desteni isn't necessarily the thing that will support who I am one and equal. Yet running the other way isn't either. So when and if I ever qualify to be on private forum is an unknown. To realise that I am completely alone in my own process is a bittersweet realisation. I can't help but laugh at myself. There is such contradiction within. This simultaneous feeling of rejoice and regret that campaigns for my awareness. To get me to make a move from either point, which of course both lead me to where I already am.

In the moments that I have stood as the self honest expression of who I am, I realise from this that I uphold existence as the self honest expression of myself. Which as it turns out, I have never stood here as myself one and equal with existence because I have never stood as all that I am in every moment. Sometimes, I may have been able to actually stand for a moment, but as I was faced with certain circumstances in which I have stood down, existence of me has been created as one who is dependent upon certain circumstances to exist for me to stand as myself. Really, not standing at all, just moving in and out of self honor. To honor self in standing as self is gifting myself with self presence. To want anything else is dishonor to self. It is to say that self does not exist. That what exists is everything except self. Which is self deceit. So it is created that I become one and equal to self deceit, because that is all that I have ever existed as. If anything exists within, other than self honor, then it creates a world of deception, for it is what I have chosen to exist as. I have manifested myself as the god of self deception, and I have created myself to exist as the creator of this world of deception. Nothing but deception. I have never stood as the self honest expression of myself because I have allowed something other than self honor to exist within. Till I exist exclusively of self honesty will I be one and equal to the existence of self as self honesty. This is when only self remains, and self is expressed in and as oneness and equality with existence.

I dreamt last night that I had lost my truck in a malfunction of a dam or a levy of sorts. The water washed it away and I was left without it. I had no money to get a new one. Upon seeing my family afterwards, they showed me no pity, or even hinted that things would be difficult for me without a vehicle. I wanted to show them that I had no worries. But they showed no worry for me, and in this, I found that I was looking for people to see how courageous I was that I had no worry. Yet, I found that I felt left out or that they had no concern for me, because they already knew that I would make it through this hardship. So I can see that I still wish for people to act a certain way toward me. To baby me, to feel taken care of by them. So point seen and taken. This helplessness that exists within me is something that I have hidden from myself, because of an image that I have wished to believe is me. The image of a no compromise attitude, and that nothing can get me down. An image of courageousness. Yet this is only an image, not actually who I have been living as. I have sought to manipulate with this image that I have projected as myself. To get the people around me to give to me, because I have showed them that I am this image of no compromise. That I will not follow the rules, because I don't compromise myself. Easy to allow myself to believe that that is really who I am. But I see that it has been only an image that I have wished myself to be, and wished for others to see me as this image. This is nothing but desire to enslave others to me. To feel obligated to extend generosity toward me. Such manipulation I have lived as!

I expressed that it would be nice to get rent from Spud on time. Of course he blew up and tried every means to prove that I was wrong for expressing that. If what I express happens to cause someone to react in such a manner, obviously it is how someone chooses to live. So what happens as a result of me expressing myself here, is an unknown factor. If anything is taken into account other than who I am within a particular moment, then it is nothing but looking toward something that I have no control of whatsoever. To censor the self honest expression of who I am in any moment because of how someone may react to what I have to express is suppression of who I am in that moment. If what I express is contemplated and the outcome is weighed against expressing who I am in a moment, then it is no longer who I am, but an idea of what is acceptable for me to exist as. If who I exist as here within self honesty does not agree with those that are in my life, then it may not be suitable for those to be in my life in that moment. To censor the expression of me in any given moment to appease those within my life is an act of self deceit. Furthermore, I deceive all of existence. This is complete nonsense, yet it is the way that I have chosen to live for most of my life. So I have chosen to no longer deceive humanity with a watered down version of who I am. If this conflicts with others emotions or feelings, then it is something that will either be accepted as who one is here or it will be a conflict within themselves that will be dealt with however one chooses to deal with it. It is not I that is to budge as who I am, nor should any other budge as who they are. This is how we can be honest with ourselves within every moment. It is not defending oneself, nor is it in justifying self. It is only in complete self honesty of who one exists as here. It is to see self here. To accept what is seen. To forgive self for allowing self to exist as such. Not to be attached to who one was or is, just an acceptance and forgiveness to allow oneself to live free of any notions of what is right or wrong, or good or bad. Because within trying to change self, one enters into a cycle of ups and downs, and acceptance of self here is never realised.

Those that fear their children's death...We all die, so where does this fear originate? Is it really just their own fear of separation from their children? The emotional bond that many define as love is based upon fear. Fear of loss, fear of emotional turmoil, fear of the future. These things are based upon instability, and teaches their children to also base their lives on nothing of substance. To always pray and do as god would have them do, lest they be cast into outer darkness. All fear based existence. Are we so blind that we cannot see that it is here that we create our existence. If we base our existence here upon fear, then we create a world of fear for us to live in. Who we exist as here is the existence that we manifest for ourselves to live within and as. See self here, because it is as would continue to exist here as long as we are participating as the existence we have chosen to live as here.

Family and friends continue to come up as points that need transcended. Yet I know that I will not be accepted as anything but who they think I am as based upon past images that they have of me. It is understood that we hold onto past events, and relive these moments in our minds in an attempt at defining the world and people of this world. It is to define ourselves as a concept or idea so that we may feel as if we understand something of ourselves. We look at the actions of other beings to define the why of their actions. It is nothing but an effort to explain our own existence here. We believe that knowing why a person does something will help us explain ourselves. Yet when something or someone cannot be defined, our mind jumps to conclusions so that we feel comforted that we still understand something of this existence. It is generally not accepted that everything cannot be explained and defined. Often when beings fail to make sense of something, they will follow an idea of the mind and tell themselves that they understand so that the world in which they have believed in, may still exist as they have believed. Otherwise, the alternative would be to admit that they actually know nothing of this existence. This brings points of fear to the forefront, which is generally avoided at all costs. It is self as self exists here that so many of us have feared seeing. So instead we have listened to the mind's definition of self, not actually seeing self, but choosing deception and illusion so that we may feel in control.

It is only when one is willing to see self here as all that self exists as here that one may see self. In seeing self within and as self honesty, one sees also the existence of all things as they exist here. Not just a mere fabrication of the mind, but seeing as things actually exist here. Each must do this of themselves. It is dedication to self, to no longer base understanding upon past knowledge, but a willingness to see what actually is. It is without judgment, or definitions. Only seeing what is here. There is no need to explain or make sense of it. It is simply accepted as what is here.

The dedication to myself to remain here as myself in every moment of every breath. Seems like a daunting task. But is there anything else that is of any value? To allow polarity to pull me around in all directions that lead nowhere but away from who I am here is existence as a slave to the mind. It may take years or lifetimes to remain here in every moment, but is there anything else that has precendence over self honor? To allow oneself to be pulled in all directions is suppression of self here. It reduces self to a voiceless expressionless being that does not stand as self, but exists as not existing as self. In this there is no self, only fabrications of illusion and all that is not here. It is common sense to see that in remaining self here, self gives all that exists here to self. Giving up the things that we have for so long believed holds the key to our happiness, grants us ourself in entirety. In this we inherit existence as self here. The illusion that we actually give something up is complete nonsense. For self does not exist, until self is here. To think that we give ourselves a treat by indulging in desires of the mind is to ignore self as the self honest expression in which one actually lives for the first time in existence. To think that that is treating oneself to something of any value is self deceit. A raping of self by self to remain enslaved to an existence of suppression and betrayal.

The egomaniacal image of self that has existed as me, has fooled me of my own accord. I have allowed this to continue because I have believed that I will somehow become greater than me. It is the logic of greed within that I will somehow have gained something for nothing. Yet the price of this is nothing short of discardment of my entire self in return for a fading existence. To exist as unstability and unsubstantiality. To hide beneath mountains of images and desires until self is longer aware that self even exists, but as smoke and mirrors. It is only to stand as self here in every moment within self honesty and self forgiveness of what one sees. It is to remain here as self that allows uncompromising honor unto self to exist here as one and equal to the self honest expression of existence as self.

The many things to be transcended are to be transcended here. It is in taking this moment and living here as this moment takes place. The ideas of so many points to face and so far to go continue to attempt to discourage me to just give up because of a mountain of an idea that is to be faced. Things appear unmanageable if seen as a mountain. Yet this moment here can be dealt with here as who I am in this moment within and as self forgiveness and acceptance that it is I that have allowed myself to become this attrocity through my own participation within and as polarity. Allowing myself to be moved by ideas of moving toward something better or away from something that I have been in fear of becoming or some desparate attempt at convincing myself that I am different than who I have allowed myself to be.

The portal has closed today, and I wondered at the difficulty for me ahead. Yet I know it is in remaining here that will see me through whatever should confront me. It is these ideas that I am giving something of worth up for a life of hardship and sacrafice. The sex system in particular lingers within me, just waiting for a moment that I will yield to the power I have allowed to control the movement of myself. The desire to be in a relationship confronted me earlier today. All the things that still exist within, continue to approach me with ideas of something better. To face each and every one of these points within is inevitable for each of us to face until only self remains. To wish that I didn't have to face the things that I have allowed to exist within is an absolute waste of life here. As I know it is within facing these things that I am able to realise myself as self trust. This is the only way. I have allowed it, and now it is time to face all that I have become. To forgive myself for allowing such things to exist within and as myself. Forgiving those that are so lost in their own self deception is also a way in which I may stand as myself as one and equal to existence. There is a self righteousness within that jumps up every so often that I have chosen to exist within and as judgment of the existence that they have chosen to be one and equal to. This is all tied to comparing myself to others. The desire within to be greater than everybody, which is nothing short of the desire to be the owner and master of existence. The desire to be worshipped and praised and loved and desired. These desires have been the design of my enslavement by my own choice in allowing these desires to exist within. By nurturing them until they have become one and equal with myself. So it is through self forgiveness that I may release myself from the desires that I have protected as myself. The very thing I have defended so dearly, has been the enslavement that I have chosen to allow.

Feeling tired and bored of the things that I do only distracts from who is here. It is here that life is. Seeing others continue to protect the images and ideas that they have defined as self has indeed turned me into a frustrated being. Also, another distraction of who I am here. It is here that I live. It is I that lives here. It is I that exist as I choose the being that exists here. The choice is self honesty here or all of the myriads of ways of being that exist in so many faces of self deception. One choice. Self honesty. It is either awareness of the self honesty that exists as I exist here or there is no self awareness, but only deception of self by allowance of something other than self as self honest awareness of self.

There is a lingering feeling of sadness that attempts to pull me away from who I am here. To separate me from this sadness. It is in the moments that I can accept this sadness as one and equal with who I am that sadness dissipates into an acceptance of myself as I am. An intimacy with myself remains here and the freedom to move me from a point of seeing myself as all that I am. The self honest expression of who I am here. This sadness exists in my participation of wishing that we could all be honest with ourselves and one another and that we could all just drop what we believe to be true and just remain here within self honesty. But this can never happen as long as I participate in this running after some greater existence. For how could I ever be truly here if I continue to chase after something that the mind can always deem as something better? That only fuels the idea that I could possibly grab hold of something greater and better than who I exist as here. This idea that I could somehow ascend to some point that all will be done and I can finally accept myself as all that I am. That can only be done here as self acceptance here within self honesty and self forgiveness. To remain here with myself as myself as all that I am here. It is not in trying to help people see their delusions. That would imply that something is wrong with what exists here. It is in remaining here as the self honest expression of who I am here. That is how I can assist and support others as myself. Self honesty here. The self honest expression of me here. Self awareness. The awareness of self honesty here in every moment. The mind bombards me from every angle imaginable so I that I may see self here in every moment. Self trust that I remain here indefinitely.
What can remain indefinitely? Unconditionally? It is undefineable. Definitions are of a concept of the mind which consists of thoughts. Thoughts come and go and therefore exist conditionally. Emotions come and go just the same, and have never existed here unconditionally. If it something that must be obtained or sought then it cannot exist unconditionally. What is unconditional is all that exists here always unchanging. To form an idea or opinion or thought is of a temporary nature and is not of the unconditional. The feelings and emotions that come and go are conditional. If it can be turned on then it can be turned off. Engaging in temporal things is to engage in all that is not of the unconditional nature of self. It is in being what one is and always has been. Energy of any sort is conditional. Energy depletes and is finite. Who self exists as here is unconditional, no matter who or what self is.

Do I refuse to see all that I am? Have I not accepted myself as all that I have become within self forgiveness? Is there conflict within that I am attempting to resolve through participation in conflict? I am here as what, I have not a clue. What I exist as, I have not a clue. Good or bad, I don't have a clue. I exist here as all that I am. I am not proud of who I am. I am not happy to be me. I am not sad or do I regret being me. I am just me as I am as that I exist as. To try and define whether or not I'm doing the right thing is an exercise in judgment. Who I am here within self honesty of all that is seen within acceptance and self forgiveness of all that is seen is who exists here. If I look I will not see. For looking is not an instant realisation of what is seen but an effort to draw conclusions that make sense to the mind. It is within acceptance of each and everyone as an expression of all that we've allowed ourselves to be one and equal to within forgiveness of each and everyone as myself for allowing this world to exist as it does. And I forgive this mess of a world that I have participated in bringing about and I forgive all those that have also partcipated as and with me to bring this world into existence. I am equal to all that exists, and therefore I cannot blame me for being me. I have not chosen to be me. I am all that I am and I forgive myself for allowing myself to try and be something or someone other than who exists here.

So I just bought an AR-15. The reason that I bought it is still unclear to me. Maybe out of fear of the future. It just seemed like the practical thing for me to do at the time. If food gets incredibly hard to come by, then the best way that I have seen for me to obtain food is to hunt and fish. If it gets that bad, then what food that I will have in my garden or the food that I have in my house will last for a week at the most. Buying this rifle was to give myself more options or avenues in which to keep this body alive. Is this any different than storing up food in an event that it becomes hard to obtain food? Would this be done out of fear of the future also? Or is it possible to prepare for the future without fearing it? Is it all based in fear? Is being self sufficient based in fear? The question would be, did I move me or did my fear move me. I've been looking at getting a nice survival knife also. So am I doing this out of fear or am I doing it to move myself into self sufficiency. If I buy a fishing pole in case of a food shortage, is it because of fear or is it moving myself toward self sufficiency? It would all depend upon my starting point of whether or not I was here in self honesty or not. I bought a firearm and I am all that exists, so if the money and the firearm exist here as me, then I am one and equal to both of those manifestations. Does it make a difference if the rifle is in a gun store or in my house?
Was there a conflict within when I decided to buy this thing? In everything we do there is a choice that one makes to either act as and within a conflict to move toward an illusionary resolution to this conflict or to remain as all that one is here. If I continue to buy food from a supermarket, then I act within this manifested existence of money and participate in my dependence upon supermarkets to remain here for me to purchase food. If I live within this society and participate as a part of this society, then I maintain this society's existence as it is. Is it even possible within this manifested reality be completely free of the world that I have helped create? I live in this city and pay my taxes. Doesn't this maintain and support the city as existing as it is? Is there a way out, in an instant? Must I forsake this entire way of life here? If I run into the woods, then I am runing from all that I exist as here, which once again is a means to some illusion of resolution. So I still have no answer. If I study martial arts, is it out of fear that I might get attacked or would I be doing it because that is the self honest expression of who I am here? Why I bought the goddamn thing has no bearing on who I exist as here. It is only the mind that wants to know. So to continue to search for an answer keeps me bound to the past as something that I had done as defining me as who I am here. I feel no different for having this firearm in my possesion. It hasn't changed who I am. I have no added sense of power or feeling of more security. To try and decide if what I did yesterday supports the mind in the past and who I exist as here becomes there and then. Not here.

Those who have already decided to believe in what constitutes truth have chosen to filter out what does not fit in with their idea of truth. From this point, one can never see. One only looks through their own scope of vision to base their entire existence upon what they choose to view. How does this affect me? A frustration desires to emerge and manifest as controversy and rebellion. To attempt to wake people up, and to somehow find a way to illustrate the deception that they have directed at themselves. The overwhelming majority hasn't even one iota of truth within, for they have chosen to believe in consensus knowledge as gospel. The only basis for their perceived truth is that other people have said that it is the truth. So they have gone about their lives in an attempt to prove to themselves that what they have believed is true, instead of seeing for themselves that they exist as complete and utter self deception. For the fear of seeing who they exist as here keeps them enslaved to the ideas that they have based their entire lives around. To see oneself is to admit that everything that one has done has been based upon lies and deception. It is the fear of realising that self has chosen lies over self honesty. People would rather be "right", than see themselves honestly. They choose to tell themselves what they would like to hear, rather than what actually is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist as and within frustration that people fear seeing themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I need to show people that they exist entirely within and as self deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless and powerless to illustrate peoples' deception of themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is very unlikely for people to stand up as themselves within and as self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in the minority for standing as myself within and as self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my existence here as a struggle to spread truth to the masses.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted myself as who I exist as here in every moment of every breath.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that it is not about what other people do, but only about who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am not already here as all that I can ever possibly be here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence here as either closer or farther away from an idea of some higher truth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be getting closer to self realisation, as if self realisation is some point that one finally reaches and becomes some sort of enlightened being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive Bernard as some sort of higher being, and that one day I can be such a being through some sort of process of becoming interdimensional.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive interdimensionality as some sort of attainment or degree of self honesty and self realisation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as 'less than' until I become aware of existence interdimensionally.
I am here as I embrace my existence as who I am here.

So we become the manifested demons that we have allowed ourselves to exist as. This makes it simple to see what one has allowed of oneself. It takes brutal self honesty to face what one has allowed and accepted as oneself. If one is even slightly self dishonest, the demon that one refuses to accept as being one and equal to, compounds into a more grotesque being until it is impossible to deny as who one has become. All of the turning away and denying will do nothing but allow the demon to thrive. It is in accepting the demon that one has allowed to exist as self that the process of self forgiveness can be applied to release the demon that exist within and as self. Until one faces all that one has allowed of oneself, this process is useless. Until one sees all that one has allowed of oneself, can this process begin. Self honesty here. What demons do I currently exist as? If I am not clear on the demons within me, they will make it known unto me by expanding within me until I can see them clearly and can no longer hide it from myself. Thus it is inevitable that I will see. It is inevitable that I will release all that exists within me until only self remains. I either choose to realise self here or I am forced to see by all that exists here as me.

Talked the John Demaree and Milo today about some things that I could have never have talked about before. The fear of being judged as a certain type of person would have scared me away from actually expressing the thing that I talked about. Things like the portal and Anu and sexual expression and really things that I haven't been so candid about, except on the internet. It is nice to just express who I am. There are still hang ups about exposing too much of myself, but to find myself actually voicing the self honest expression of who I am has rarely happenend within this lifetime. In the past, much of what I have said has been ambiguous on purpose. In this way, what I had said could fit into one's belief system and I could avoid contoversy, while at the same time, could lead one to believe that I believed much of the same beliefs. This was done out of fear of being rejected, fear of being confronted or ridiculed, and fear of standing as myself.
I find that as I express myself honestly, that it encourages others to do the same, as John had shared some sexual experiences he had when he was a boy, that he has told very few people about. My entire life has been about hiding who I really am behind an exterior image or illusion.
It is foremost in releasing the image of myself that I have projected as myself that will fade into non existence as I remain as I am here unconditionally. Rarely has anyone showed their true colors to me because I have never shown my true colors. So this world of secrets and hiding ourselves has been compounded according to my involvement in this charade. I am finding that it doesn't have to be controversial to stand as myself. Although the self honest expression of myself may seem controversial to the mind I have allowed to suppress me, withholding or supressing myself only breeds more suppression of existence, as others project an image of who they are unto the image that I, myself have projected as myself unto them. So it ends up being two projected images of ourselves in a relationship of self dishonesty, our actual selves buried deep beneath an image we had created to act as ourselves.

I realised today on the way home from work that indeed there is a fear that exists within me to stand as myself, out of fear of what will happen to the relationship that currently exists between my mom and I. To just come out and say that religion is enslavement, has many scenarios that come up within my mind. Most of them are undesirable to me. Yet this fear keeps me enslaved to an image that I have intended to uphold as who I am. To project or portray an image that can be accepted by her. I have not even allowed her to respond to who I am here, because I have not been completely honest about who I am here. I have only allowed her to see certain parts of myself that I have believed that she may be able to accept as me. Which, although I have hinted at who I am, I have suppressed the actual true expression of myself, because I have wanted to keep her accepting me. Even though the me I have projected is not really who I am, entirely. Which, although it may seem close to who I am, it is common sense that even being 99 percent one's true self is still 100 percent deception of who I am here. One is either the self honest expression of oneself or one is completely and utterly deceiving self.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to curb the true expression of who I am here out of fear of upsetting mom.I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as tip toeing around the true expression of myself in an effort to remain in favor of mom.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear mom's reaction to the self honest expression of who I am here.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being estranged from my family members out of fear of their reactions to being the self honest expression of who I am here.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being on the outside of the family looking in.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from my family.I am who I am, and if who I am is not accepted by my family members for being who I am, then there is no point in trying to hang on to something that comes and goes according to who someone believes me to be or how I am perceived to be. I stand here as myself as all that I am here.

Mom called me today, saying that Amber is concerned about me and how she thinks that I want her to quit going to church. It is this chasing a greater existence that religion teaches, that has kept us so completely enslaved. Never are we good enough. Religion teaches us that we are lowly and we must continually be unhappy with our current existence here because something greater exists beyond who we are here. Not until god saves us from ourselves do we become happy and paradise is reached. This idea of a greater existence than here; all of our troubles somehow are supposed to vanish and we will be finally in this kingdom of heaven, where all is wonderful. So we must earn our way to heaven by suffering enormously in this world and constantly strive and toil until we finally reach this promised land. Then all will be fine and god will rule over us, since we can never be as good as god. The bible teaches that Jesus died for our sins, and that he has payed the price for all man's sins past and present and future. Yet we must earn our way there. So there is this reward , which is heaven, that is greater than we can imagine. Greater than who we are here. So naturally we are inclined to be shameful of who we are here, because we are bad, even though god created us this way, we are forever in debt to god because he is supposed to save us from who we are. So if god is all knowing, and god is all good and perfect in every way, how can god create something that is less than perfect or bad? If god consists of nothing but good, how can he create something that is not good or not of god or less than that of which consists of god? If god created all that exists, and god is only good, then how can anything exist that isn't good? How can evil exist unless god, himself, created evil? So if god created evil, and god consists of nothing but good, then evil is also good and of god. All that exists is of god, because god supposedly created all that exists. So if I am evil, then I am exactly as god had created me. So how could I ever be any different than god created me? How could I ever change who I am if god created me to be as I am? All of the striving to become something other than who I am here, is simply an impossibility. So if god wants me to continually beg for forgiveness for my shortcomings, then it is god's creation of me as a less than him that he has created me, and I am only begging god to forgive me as he has created me. But it is not I that has created me to be as I am, so why would I have any responsibility in who I am? Why would I beg to be forgiven for something god has done himself? Asking god to forgive me for being less than perfect, even though it is exactly how he created me, would be nothing but asking god to forgive me for being exactly how he wanted me to be. So why would god need or want me to beg for his forgiveness for something he had done unto me? This is complete and utter nonsense.

Talked with Amber today about the my "path". Being understood by those that have been in my life, or those who apparently know "me", used to be so important to me. It has been fear of being alone in this existence that this desire of being understood has been so extensively sought. Obtaining security of some sort, so that I can feel as if I am not alone in this process of realising myself. But of course this line of action is nothing but continued dependency to not stand as myself in every moment; relying on a certain set of conditions that seemingly make it easier to stand as myself. It is in these relationships that we hold so dear, the things we fear losing the most that keep us bound to this existence of and as separation from all that we are.
There is a lingering idea that "things would be so nice when..." Yet this never happens when these ideas are entertained. Some past or future event that takes us away from who we are here. Something better than here has always been what has kept us enslaved by the continuous pursuit of what we deem as more than or a better off scenario than what is here. It is here that we exist, and if we choose to look at things that do not exist here, then we choose illusion and deception as our existence. It is admitting that who we exist as here is not enough. That somewhere else is where we will finally be complete. Common sense shows us that this is utter nonsense. This is what breeds this world of polarity. This striving to become something greater than who we have always been, and who we will always be.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist in separation of myself by choosing to view here as less that what could be.
I forgive myself that I have chosen to see here as something that must be escaped out of fear of remaining here as all that I am here.
Here is the opportunity to stand and remain here as all that I am and have become through my partcipation in pursuing some illusion of a greater existence.
Here is what I exist as here. This is the constant. This is all that can remain indefinitely. I embrace what is here. I am here.

It is in judging myself as I would see others might judge me according to what they have seen in the my actions or words that I have spoken. If it is an acceptable image of who I believe they have judged me to be, then I have acted to uphold that judgement that I have seen as more advantageous to me. To get people to "understand" me. It is all based on the past; an image that I have believed that they perceive me to be. So my actions get based upon this assumption that I am percieved a certain way, and I have chosen to to reject or accept this personality that I have perceived as how I am defined by the definer. This is all just my own self deception of who I am here. For if for even a moment I have acted upon this thought, I would have already begun to prove or disprove the validity of their perception, which is nothing less than self deception.

So some forum members' parents have started applying and investigating the desteni website. I was very surprised to hear this. It stems from my own expectaion of what will happen in my life with my family. I have believed that the chances of any of them doing anything besides trying to hang on to their belief systems has been highly unlikely. I have geared up and "forseen" or projected my expectations of how they will act based on my knowledge of who I have defined them as. Judging people from an image that I have allowed myself to accept as who they are. I have carried an image of everybody that I have come in contact with. The more history that I have as "knowing" someone, the more their image has burned into my consciousness as "who they are". It is this accepted image of who I have believed them to be, that I have continued to limit myself to the parameters or defintions that I have placed as them upon them. Allowing only a set of rules that I have established for us to follow as a relationship in which we have silently agreed that we will stay within a predetermined boundary or familiar conditions of who we believe each other to be.



I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this world and the people within it as limited to what the mind believes is possible.



I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to continually calculate probability equations of what may or may not happen; and base my actions upon this prediction that I had believed to have been the probable outcomes of an event.



I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to unconsciously limit or create the circumstance by allowing and accepting myself to expect a certain outcome instead of just being here.

I have accepted myself as being worried or concerned that if i say things as i see them, that i might be judged as being a nitpicking know it all. So I have only spoken when I "feel" I am "correct". And just in case I'm not "correct" I have had tendencies toward limiting the expression of who I am by omitting the honest expression of who i am by silence. This way, I have felt that I can always be right and that nobody can say that i am full of shit. This is how i have suppressed the self honest expression of who i am. This all stems from a fear of not being accepted as who i am.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to allow myself to, within and as the mind, fear judgement of who I am by attempting to "cover all bases" so that i can always explain my actions as being "correct".

This is not self honesty, but self deception. Nothing but limiting myself to "acceptable" statements that cannot be disputed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear disputes.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to suppress myself out of fear of disputes.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that any disputes that exist, exist as the mind, as all that I have allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings questioning of my intentions.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear being not liked by everybody.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as here as who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to analise my moves or actions and judge myself from and as a mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit myself to "correctness".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being incorrect.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit and define me as correct or incorrect.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry about others perception of me as being less than.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge and limit myself to definitions of more than or less than me.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am all that exists, and that which exists within manifests within and as this existence as myself.

Possibly a redundant theme is that I am what I am. Ideas that emerge as something greater than who exists as me, here, separate me from who I am here. If these ideas are entertained, and attempts are made at becoming this greater being. I remain a slave to this idea of some higher self, an awakened self. Truly the only awakening is when I remain here as I am in complete acceptance of who I am. Not in becoming anything...only remaining here. For how is it possible for one to ever remain as oneself by practicing and engaging in a search of some sort? It is the idea that I must somehow transcend all of my "shortcomings" that plagues me. Because I don't feel any different or have any great "truths" to communicate, I am told by my perceived self that I haven't "made it".
It is here that life is. Yet my perceived self, or the mind, moves to analyze my "level" of awareness in an attempt to remain existing. A continuous struggle is what fuels the mind. Without a struggle or conflict within, the mind cannot exist. The mind cannot be still. It is movement from who I am here, that has kept the mind existing. All attempts at understanding myself into greater detail, or trying to find some basis to explain or define myself is all the mind. To remember some golden rule or something to base my entire existence upon. It is the mind's way of becoming stable. If this stability is shaken or removed, the mind immediately seeks another point of stability. Grasping for anything in which to continue working as definitions and rationalisations. It is the mind that panics when nothing makes sense. It is the mind that believes itself to be close or far from complete understanding. This all to continue to the quest for existing. No movement equals no mind. It is remaining here that the mind cannot conceive. It is remaining here that removes the mind from existence. No longer a reflection of self exists, only self. Gaining anything can only be of the mind, as all that exists is here as self. There is no "close", only here.
The mind presents itself as me...for if I believe myself to be the mind, surely I will not destroy what I believe to be myself. So it is this partcipation in the mind's presentation of who I am as myself that has kept it existing as who I have believed myself to be. Yet this struggle is all for nought, for only I can exist infinitely here. The mind will succumb to the nature of who I am.
The mind cannot exist infinitely, as the mind is conditional to movement. To stop the mind removes it from existence, which is inevitable. Whether I choose to do it by no longer participating within and as the mind here or I continue living within and as the mind until it no longer exists and I have no choice but to face myself here. It is done either way.

So I have found myself to be existing as the mind, to find more that I can do to further my process. More self forgiveness or more than remaining here. It confuses the mind to search for nothing. To remain here makes no sense. To be here. No concept. Remaining here within each breath. It's not in diligently remaining breath, as this implies that it is somehow something that must be strived for. It is in letting go of all that one feels or thinks that he must do in order to become something or some way of being. It is in being. Being all that one is and has accepted oneself to become within self forgiveness. To face self as self within self honesty. To see oneself as all that one has believed self to be within self honesty and self forgiveness, here. It is in remaining here that one can realise self trust, as the mind dissolves into non existence, and only self remains.

I have realised that I fear not existing as who I have believed myself to be. I was faced with this fear of existence being swallowed as what I have defined as existence. I fought to stay attached to this existence that I have believed to be the end all, as defined by the mind. I was relieved to find out that I was not swallowed into the void that I had believed was a void in which I could not exist. I have defined myself as finite, as having a begininning and an end, and I have formed my entire being around this idea of limitation. I fought to make sense of something in relation to knowledge of the past. I have allowed myself to become enslaved by such definitons of what I have allowed myself to believe as concrete ideas and realities. Do I dare face this again, or is it my desire to realise some higher truth that I allow to direct me in this process? I have not yet let go of who I have believed myself to be. As there are many definitions that I hold onto to apparently keep me grounded. To not lose myself. Which is a certainty that I have defined myself as something that can be defined, either finite or infinite, it is still just a concept of the mind, a reason of rationality that originates from a point of knowledge. Which is nothing short of utter limitation and enslavement to a creation that I have decided is real, and I have so chosen to live my life according to the rules of this creation and the belief system within it. I have chosen to live as the mind, as a belief of reality.
It is the fear of losing the things that I have experienced to be desrieable that has kept me bound. The fear of the unknown, the fear of finding out the truth of myself. I have defined myself and have grown to be attached to that in which I have defined myself to be. It is the fear of actually seeing me as something different than what I have defined as me that has kept me from the actual me. The fear that I wil be disappointed or the fear that I will not like what i see. So instead I have hung on to this image of "me" because I have judged it as acceptable and fear what I might see if I actually see me. So I have chosen not to see me. I have turned away out of fear of myself.

To remain aware of each breath taken here. This is a wonderful tool to remain here empty of thoughts. The in breath is taken in full awareness of the in breath until the out breath is required. Then it is to remain aware of the outbreath until it is completely finished. This is crucial for me to understand. As this maybe the only thing that will get me through the toughest of moments when all things seem overwhelming. To remain here as breath brings focus here as myself. The only stable thing left in this world when it all turns to shit. So to practice remaining here as the breath will develop my awareness of myself as stability, no matter what the circumstance. 21 days days awareness of each breath taken one breath at a time, moment to moment. Breath to breath. Self freedom to move as myself in complete awareness of myself in every moment. From this moment I breathe, here.