Wednesday, April 23, 2008

What I'm realising is that my entire life has been about acceptance. Everything I have done or participated in and the intensity in which I've done everything is only to gain aceeptance from those in my world. There is very little that I have actually done for me as me as who I am. Constantly I have made sure that I am not misunderstood and that people know exactly why I do what I do. Simply expressing myself is not enough. Everyone must know how I am before I do something before I can actually express myself , so that I may feel safe in expressing who I am. For the sole purpose of supporting everything that I have created in my life that is not of me but I have come to know as me. What I have created is an elaborate shell that resembles life. I'm so sick and tired of caring about everything but me. I've taken great pride in what I have created. A healthy body, a good mind, good intellect, a caring person, very well rounded and well liked by society. A good climber, a good guitarist, good blacksmith, hard worker, sensitive, truthful, and all of the bullshit that I've come to believe is who I am.
What is worse still is that everybody supports this false me because that is "who I am". If I were to actually just express who I am, people might think that Lloyd has lost himself, or that I need assistance in finding myself. What a crock of shit. I've had enough bullshit. I'm all about assisting and supporting others, but if it doesn't support who I am, then you all can just Fuck off, because I'm finished living for you people. I stand as ME for ME as ME. I am here. Judge and make assumptions all you want. I'm tired of being nice all the time. You know what happens to nice guys? Yeah, damn straight. They finish last. So you all can find another sucker to uphold you're pretty little world. Get real. Be Real. Do you have a problem with that? I don't care either way. Do what you have to do and let me live my life that way I want to. The Lloyd I've created is dead! Fucking Dead! I'm not living for you people any longer, see?!! This life is mine and I live for ME. Yeah that's right buddy. ME. Not you. ME.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be so goddamned obsessed about keeping other people happy. Lovely.

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