Becoming something great or someone that I can be proud of is the endless pursuit that keeps me from the self realisation that I so desparately desire. The desire for more only keeps us enslaved and separates us from that which is sought. To become anything more than we already are is just illusion that keeps us occupied with the belief that we can be more than who we've always been.
Yes my biggest desire has been self realisation and my biggest fear has been not realising myself in this lifetime. Not so much for myself, but for recognition. To be great. To make a difference, a legacy to leave behind to glorify myself so that others can oooo and aaaah at my wonderful self. Because who I am has never been good enough. It's quite amusing, really.
Can I not just be here instead of chasing myself in circles? I have this recurring thought that things will be fine just as soon as I realize myself. All of my stock in a future event that may or may not happen. This is obviously erroneous, as all thoughts are of a mind construct and based on past knowledge, which is nothing less than judgment. Holding on to a preconceived idea of what will happen and all of a sudden I'll have arrived. Can I just let go of this mind construct and be free to direct myself? Very sneaky, this mind I've let rule my life. No thoughts. Yeah, but what will I be without these thoughts? Fear of the unknown. For I have believed that I am my thoughts. Can I function without thought? Of course the mind tells me no, and I have allowed myself to be deceived by this mechanism. Yes this is a process, but attachment to outcome keeps me enslaved. I keep yielding to this thought of "I must achieve..." So am I ready to realise who I am or do I fear what I will realise? Am I scared of myself?
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear self realisation from a thought that I must become something greater than who I am so that I won't be ashamed of what I'll come to realise.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to continually listen to concepts and ideas of what self realisation is.