4-13-08

In being honest with myself, I ponder how manipultive I have been. Although presently I'm being honest, I had spent so much effort on creating illusion, often I wonder if I've been so clever as to fool myself into believing I'm being honest. Quite honestly I have little sense of my whereabouts in this process of self realisation.
The mind is very adept at tricking us into believing we are something we are not. Just as I've allowed myself to mislead others into believing I'm something I'm not. So although I believe I'm tickling my own self realisation in its entirety, it is very possible that I've missed something so very minor that will keep me enslaved while the bulk of humanity awaits my transcendence. This may be my biggest fear. The mind would have me believe that I'm just a little more qualified than most.
People have always told me I'm excellent at everything I do and that I'm gifted. As a kid I was always head first into everything I would do. At 5 years old I can remember as I lay down to sleep at night, my mind racing in every direction imaginable, falling asleep took incredible effort. Constantly thinking...I remember being frustrated at myself for thinking so much. "why can't I just go to sleep? Fuck!"
I have also believed that I was less than others socially and much of my energy was spent on convincing others of my normalness. Aspirations of greatness to gain acceptance. We moved often as a kid and I would latch onto one best friend. I enjoyed co-dependency. At seventeen I moved back to Oregon from Alaska and searched for something to immerse myself in. I started hanging with the "stoners" and getting stoned was my new hobby. So, true to my structural resonance I frequented the library to study all of the many drugs that were available. Hours upon hours spent reading about drugs. I found that LSD had the things I was looking for and soon thereafter it manifested in my life.
Long story shorter, during my 2nd acid trip, somehow I remembered hearing that if the world was down to one, then he would become God. So, similar to Anu believing he was the creator of existence, I believed that I was the creator of my world, and as I tested this, it seemed to hold true that I am what I project. Of course with all of these new revelations I became increasingly adept at manifesting what I wanted in my world, which as it turns out much of what I wanted was acceptance and for the world to marvel at my wisdom, cunning, or just me in general. Yes, marvel at me. See me as God.
Well it's plain to see that this path was flawed. But for 2-3 months I enjoyed a feeling of extasy as my every move was deliberate and my awareness seemed to be beyond human understanding. Well as my inevitable fall was quickly manifesting into my world, I desparately tried to hang on to all of the knowledge and sense of well being that had been attained. That was 18 years ago and sorting things out has been, quite naturally, one extreme to the other. So here I am. What ever it takes to transcend illusion and systems is my aspiration. I really like that word, aspiration.