Sunday, April 27, 2008

So I realise that desteni is here to assist and support me in the realisation of who I am. What's more is the realisation that I may honestly express myself on desteni. Something I've never been able to do with those who "know me". Maybe it is my own fear of judgement from the people that "know me" that keeps me from being brutally honest with them. Actually, there is no maybe about it. It IS fear of judgement. I realise that desteni is here to assist and support me as who I really am and I am eternally grateful for such network of beings to exist as the manifestation of support of my own self honesty. Although I know that one still must stand alone as himself, fear of being alone in my path of self realisation has kept me from taking the necessary steps to truly be myself.
I have been very careful to not reveal my association with desteni to my friends and family out of fear of estrangement from them. The fear of friends and family thinking that I'm blindly following a belief system or a cult of some sort. The fear of them not listening to the words I speak as who I am, because they think that desteni has somehow brainwashed me. That I just listen to everything desteni tells me as if desteni is some sort of new age religion. As if I only believe what desteni tells me, rather than what I experience myself. The fear of having to justify my actions to seek their approval. To have to explain why I have seemingly forsaken everything in this world for what desteni "stands for". The fear of being thought of as a cult "member", a weak-minded individual that no longer has a grasp of reality. The fear that when I speak as who I am, that they will think that I'm somehow trying to convert them to "my religion", or that the words are just puked out words or verses that I've memorised from a desteni handbook or something.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear judgement from my family and friends because of my association with desteni.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like I need approval from my family or friends to be who I am.
I forgive myself for not standing as who I am out of fear of judgement.

No comments: