Saturday, April 4, 2009

So continuing on the relationship thing...I have noticed that when someone has expressed delight in me, then I have moved in order to maintain this or to secure my relationship with that being. As if to handcuff them to me. More often then not, it has been when someone has been impressed by something that I have done, and I have worked toward proving that there is more of the same where that came from. This all comes from the idea that I lack notoriety in this world. It has been what I have sought. To be a god of something. Like a superhero with certain powers.

So, at this point, it isn't that I wish to run and hide or stay away from people, but the effort that I have previously put forth in gaining and maintaining friends and acquaintances in my life by presenting myself in the way that I would like to be seen has shrunk. I am aware that it still exists within, and I know that it is up to me whether or not that cycle will continue.

It almost seems as if I have forsaken the world, because the concern I have for the relationships I have had has dwindled. But I see that new relationships interest who I have become. Especially if that someone is of the female variety. This ego maniacal tendency to act in accordance with what my idea of what it is that people would like to see from me, lingers nearby. I have believed that who I am might make someone feel uncomfortable, so I have hidden. I have believed that who I am might make someone think that I am cold-hearted or callous, so I have hidden. I have feared that I would be completely alone, a stranger to all, so I have hidden.

But if these things are to happen because I am being honest with myself, then so be it. I have been running scared for so long. Running from myself, because I have not wanted to be alone. I am tired of running. I have never embraced the darkness, the unknown. So I have never allowed that from myself, because of my fear of it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being myself, because I have feared the unknown consequences of being me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed presumptions of what will happen if I am to be myself to direct me.

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