Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Bernard finally replied to one of my posts, and I see by my reaction of elation that I have wanted to impress him, to seek approval and acceptance. This has been my starting point of much of what I have done at the Desteni forums. Because he has replied to me, I see a habit of wanting to uphold my standing with him, and impress him with my diligence, yet I know that this starting point only leads to more extensive systems within. It is for me, because it is me, self-honesty is me directing myself as myself and nothing more. The want, need, hope for recognition is a huge part of my programming, and I have let it creep back into my life. Not that I had ever rid myself of it, but that it has mearly upgraded itself to another level, that has been so hard for me to detect because self-honesty has not been my starting point.

It is such an automatic response to want to impress others, that it seems uncontrollable and excusable. I have become frustrated at this relentless system, and have wished it gone without applying the necessary tools to dismantle it. It is laughable, yet very significant, that I continue to experience this system. I have wanted to show that I am aware that these systems exist within me, but awareness of its existence is not a solution in and of itself. It still takes corrective action to not engage.

For instance, I see that the idea that I now have Bernard on my side holds my attention on impressing Bernard, and from that I cannot exercise self-honesty because it does not come from the starting point of self-honesty.

He just made another comment that in reply to my comment "so transparent am I". He says "transfer parent", and I realize that my spite was initially a learned behavior mainly from my mother. The way in which she used to hold us in contempt for doing things contrary to what she wished us to do.

I have not really examined in any depth the ways I am like my mother, because I have not wanted to admit that I would be so spiteful and treat others with harshness and fury either openly or in secret. So this I have hidden from myself and others by hiding it beneath an exterior shell of "niceness" and generosity. I have allowed myself to believe that this fury does not exist within me. Which largely has contibuted to the secretive and manipulative person that I have become.

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