I've been going through cycles of having a willingness to stand for life and then not giving a shit, and then letting my mind take over control. The energy that I would have to stand would lose its power. This, because I have been using energy to attempt to become something greater than myself. Myself is myself under all conditions-no energy needed. This is a major point that I catch glimpses of every now and again. But actually remaining here sans energy directing me is something that I have not trusted. I have put my trust in what I "know", in order to feel safe. Much of what I realize and read and see that pertains to reality, has been steadily reverted into knowledge, and I have based my actions upon this knowledge. In other words, I have traded myself for knowledge.
"I must" is energy. "I need" is energy. " I should" is energy, and it all fades away. And so, if it fades, let it be gone. I am still here, and have never needed to be found, but this energy that keeps me struggling and searching, is the very thing that causes me to be lost. Lost in the search, because I have become a -search here- for what is there. This search or desire or striving or anything of that nature has become me, and I have feared losing that, because it is what I have come to believe that I am. So I stop here. For what? For nothing. I stop because I stop. I do not stop, because there is something I wish to attain. I stop because I realize that searching gains me nothing, and that I already have nothing. I am here, and there is nothing else.