Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Something subtle has changed about me. I can't quite put my finger on it...It has something to do with self-honesty and repeating the same cycles over again. Oh is a developing self-trust. Because I know that I've already been down the road of looking to the mind for reassurance and I know that it only leads to more extensive systems. There is actually some stability here. Something that I cannot remember ever being present in my life. Like I don't have to define something to be able to identify it. As if leaving out a step that I always had believed was necessary for understanding. But I'm finding that I can know directly without having to weigh the pros and cons of a given situation before I make a move. And I just move me to where it is necessary for me to be.

This has been something that I have sought for my entire life only to see it forever just out of reach. I have caught short glimpses and spells of it, yet I always feared that I would lose it, and upon that starting point I would base my actions only to find myself completely lost in a maze of illusion. This is not how I had imagined it to be as in, all of a sudden I am a completely different person. And it is not as if I have reached some ultimate pinnacle of existence. It is more like a flowing experience with no certainty in where I will be, but a trust that I will be me when I arrive. It almost seems stupidly obvious, that I will still be me. But because I have believed that it takes concentration in order to stay on track, I have missed everything, because I have limited myself to an idea of what I should be doing.

It is not a hurrying to get somewhere, because I am already here. I am grateful to be here. And it isn't some emotionally charged grandiose realization or an all knowing existence, in which case, in the past, I couldn't wait to see the results of the new, improved me and my interaction with the world outside. No, it not climactic at all. Just me saying, "Hi me."

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