Sunday, March 29, 2009

I have met these people on the Desteni forum, and I find that I often seek their approval, because I judge myself on how I might be perceived by others. In the last month, I have participated on the forum less and less. There are numerous reasons for this decline, but much of it is because I have formed relationships with the people there and a personality has formed from it all. I have so desperately wanted friends that I can latch onto in my life, and to be liked and appreciated for being me. But herein lies the problem, where I have wanted to reach out to people, and it is mostly just reaching out because I have believed I needed people to express myself properly. To be seen and noticed has been the agenda for as long as I can remember.

I can't say that I have purposely moved away, it has just been what I have been doing. My starting point in all of this has become blurred, and my questing for whatever it is that I have constantly sought and tried to attain has taken a toll, because I have been allowing energy to move me, and that is not who I am. There is a feeling within me that wishes to explain myself, to prepare others for me and what I might next do, and this is exactly what I have been doing for my entire life. As if I need permission to be me. To explain so that I am understood. That way I have a hall pass and I am in the clear to be me.

Of course I don't need an excuse or an explanation of why I am doing what I am doing, but that has been my tendency. I have gotten a little tired of trying to lead people to the truth, when I don't even apply the truth of myself in every moment. Talk is cheap if it is only knowledge. Knowing it and not applying it is perhaps worse than ignorance. Which is really what I have been doing. Posting on the forum and You Tube has been largely about proclaiming that I know, or to get an attaboy.

I see that we all go through this process, and all have the same issues in which to deal, and I know that the answer is all right here. The forum has for me has been about expressing myself to an audience, wherein I have become a performer. So similar to playing music has been for me, I have wanted to be seen and heard. It has been just another outlet for me to attempt definition of who I am. What will it take for me to stand here as myself as all that I am?

To be here alone with myself, I have no choice, and all that I see is me. It's funny that there is an immediate response from my mind that wishes to say goodbye or explain why I might not participate much anymore, just so that I may justify or excuse myself, so that people don't get the "wrong" impression. My mind is so deliberately self-defeating, even comical.

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