Monday, March 2, 2009

Today, I was talking about how we force our personality upon people in order to prove we are a certain way or being, and the ridiculousness of such and act. My cousin stated that he isn't like that, which only proved that he is exactly like that because he was doing exactly as he had said he doesn't do. Later he attempted to prove he was right and I was wrong about a method of putting up siding. Once again, doing exactly as he has said he does not do.

I must admit I allowed myself to become annoyed at such actions. Seeing the dishonesty within a person has been difficult for me to not react with various degrees of annoyance. Which in all honesty is only self-abuse. For me to allow myself to allow my actions to be directed by the circumstance is giving away any directive action to something outside of me, and in this I become a slave to circumstance to tell me how to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the dishonesty of other people, by becoming annoyed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to see that I am right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the one that shows others how wrong they have been.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that beings will finally see who they actually are, because in this I have accepted myself to be the hope that there is something more than who I am here.

The future is such a mind fuck, as if I would actually make a difference in who I exist as here. Like as if in some magical way that I would all of a sudden transform into some glorious being other than who I am.

I have looked for a savior of myself, to absolve myself from that in which I have allowed myself to become. For someone to fix that in which I am...I exist as me because I have allowed it. There is no mistake about that. Because I have been the origin of what is allowed within me to exist, it is only I that has any say so in who it is that I become.

If I base my starting point on any knowledge, then I am bound by that knowledge in which I have based my actions. Which inherently is bound to that knowledge. Knowledge is limitation, because it is based upon rules and is never a fresh starting point. It is already tainted with something other than what is here. Concepts and ideas of what it means to live "right". In this, there is no self-trust because trust is contingent upon that in which I have accepted as truth. Which in reality is a past event, and has no spontaneity of life, but only a concept or an idea of what life is, or what it is that life is contained within. Life is all encompassing, and permeates every fiber in existence.

It is that in which I give life to that allows life to exist as it does. All energy that is allowed within existence is an energy that life has allowed to exist. Energy is the destruction of life. For how can energy exist if there is not already something in which to consume? Yes. it changes into another form of matter. But is our existence of mere consuming and transfer of what already is into another state of existence? Must what IS continuously transform to be alive, or is matter already itself alive? Does it take a process of consuming to prove life's existence? Can life be consumed? Only if the expression of life is consumption. In which case, all will be consumed and life will cease to exist, except for the expression of consumption.

We have lived to consume, for thousands of years, because what has existed has not been enough. The thought of no longer existing has kept us bound to consuming, out of fear of no longer existing. Thus our expression has been that of consumption, and not life at all. We have been destruction of life, yet life continues to exist. We have feared that if we do not consume ourselves, then we shall cease to exist. In this, we have never lived, because we have chosen death as our expression of life. Fear of death as our expression of life. Never have we chosen ourselves as life, as the origin of life. We have been all except what life is.

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